The Dark Knight XXX

The Dark Knight "Rises".

Hello fellow readers, and welcome back to SPAM-Alternative. Today we return to our "Porn Parody" section, introducing another major addition to the apparently profitable super hero goes porn business. So, enter "The Dark Knight XXX, a Porn Parody" Vivid's take on the latest Batman trilogy. Axel Braun is a regular with Batman as he already filmed his take on Batman '66 so a fresher look into Christopher Nolan's Batman seemed to be the natural choice. However, Braun's take is way different with what Nolan had in mind on his original trilogy, and the differences are not only in terms of the hardcore sex scenes, but also on the characters we see in this parody, therefore  the first sex scene is based on The Killing Joke masterpiece comic book, and when I say that "it's based on", I mean that it's a full-on homage, right down to the Joker's goons locking a naked Commissioner Gordon (Tom Byron) in a cage in a creepy funhouse. The only thing it doesn't have is a musical number about the benefits of insanity.  

Instead, viewers are given a scene where Batgirl (played by blonde hottie Penny Pax) is forced to have sex with the Joker (a fair portrayal of the character by Brendon Miller) to save her father's life, which she does, looking absolutely miserable the entire time (a good performing as it is supposed to be a rape). And then to make The Killing Joke homage complete, the Joker shoots Batgirl in the spine with an actual gun, just like in the original comic book.

Batgirl and her ready for action suit.

Far be it from me to tell anyone else what they should and shouldn't find arousing, which I guess is the actual point here, and to be fair, the DVD box does promise "a Joker that's creepier than the late screen legend," which they certainly delivered. I don't know, maybe there are people out there who came away from Alan Moore and Brian Bolland's original story and thought "you know, that could've used a little more rape," and if so, this is most definitely the movie for them.However, if you are watching a porn parody just because you want to have fun laughing your ass out, this scene may be a downer for sure, I mean you get most of the elements from the original comic book, but forcing Batgirl to have sex and after she's swallowed her foe's last cum drip seeing her getting immediately terminated by a merciless shot in the back will not look and feel as entertaining as you might think. And if you're watching the film with your girlfriend (a real one) it may also interrupt the foreplay.

Batgirl sacrifices her ass for his daddy's life.

"You have a tight ass Batgirl"

"Swallow it Batbitch"

To paraphrase Achewood, I ain't Frederick H. Vivid video or anything, but I do have a pretty solid understanding of how parody works. When you promise "geekgasmic film spoofing," that sort of implies that there's going to be a level of lightheartedness and comedy that's just completely absent when your movie opens with a woman being raped and paralyzed in front of her father by a psychopath in clown makeup. You can't really come back from that.

I was so put off by it that I almost tapped out after the first few minutes, but I ended up watching the whole thing out of curiosity over what direction Braun was going to try to go with. And the answer is that he went insanely dark with his story, to the point where it's kind of fascinatingly non-erotic despite the presence of attractive people shtupping each other. So wankers, you've been warned!

Batman's suit looks amazing.

The plot (which can be experienced as a 21-minute "Non-Sex" cut that's included) is particularly interesting, because it's very obvious from the start that Braun was trying to piece together something that would mirror The Dark Knight Rises, based on information gleaned from trailers and early reports. With the effort of trying to get Dark Knight XXX released at the same time as its big-budget Hollywood counterpart, Braun is making a parody of a movie he hasn't actually seen, which is seriously intriguing, despite the fact that it's about as far from my taste as it possibly could be.

Case in point: The whole Batgirl/Joker fiasco is presented in a flashback as one of the reasons that Batman (Giovanni Francesco) has put away his costume and retired from crime-fighting, instead opting to spend his time on a mountain living the life of a rich retired  man who apparently has gone in hiding from society. Of course, that changes when Catwoman pays a little visit to the Wayne mansion to talk business.

Catwoman's twat.

Poison Ivy's pink.

The other reason, far less reprehensible but somehow even more mystifying, is presented in another flashback, where we find out that Poison Ivy (Dani Jensen) has apparently seduced Nightwing (Brian Street Team), while also developing a plant-based cure for "all diseases". For some reason, Batman's really mad about this, which leads him to confront his loyal sidekick Nightwing and then zap him with a tazer and carry him off. To his credit, Batman waits until after Nightwing has fucked the shit out of Poison Ivy, so at least he's observing proper bro code, even if he does follow it up by throwing a batarang that makes Ivy's panacea explode for some reason, taking Ivy with it in a fireball after she announces that she prefers death to going back to Arkham. Probably this scene is a homage to Joel Schumacher's 1997 film Batman & Robin, as there was a scene where Batman actually fights Robin for the love or maybe sex, of Poison Ivy.

Even giving Batman the benefit of the doubt that the Ivy's cure is actually some dastardly plot -- something that we're never actually given a reason to do beyond "he's Batman," which I guess is as good as anything else - this is still a movie where Poison Ivy dies in an explosion thirty seconds after her sex scene is over. This thing's Eros to Thanatos ratio is jacked up all to hell, for real.
 
Anyways, Batman saves the day and avoids Poison Ivy's evil plan of blackmailing the world by selling her panacea.

Poison Ivy fights Nightwing's cock.

Nightwing fights back Poison Ivy's wet pussy.

Poison Ivy needs some cum for her recipe.

After the Nightwing V/S Batman scene, Catwoman (played by Aiden Ashley) shows up in the Wayne mansion to tell Bruce about the new kid in town Bane and convince him to come back and fight him -- you can guess how she does the convincing -- which he does, but only after stopping off to see John Constantine and Zatanna first (what the fuck have you just read? yes, John Constantine & Zatanna)

If you're wondering what the hell are John Constantine and Zatanna doing in a parody of The Dark Knight Rises, your guess is as good as mine, as they have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the plot. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe we'll find out in the sequel, but that's pure conjecture. Maybe Axel Braun was just a big fan of Alan Moore's run on Swamp Thing in addition to The Killing Joke, although he missed that "Constantine" is meant to rhyme with "wine" instead of "teen."

Bruce Wayne gets to shag  Catwoman (finally)

Catwoman likes to suck millionaire's cocks dry.

Catwoman's pussy is a creampie!

Either way, their scene is easily the best of the movie, if only because nobody actually suffers horrible trauma or death during that one. Instead, we see Zatanna (Christy Mack) performing for a bored, mostly-empty bar full of Gothamites, which I actually kind of like. Of course these dudes wouldn't be impressed by seeing actual magic performed on-stage. They live in Gotham City. They've seen it all.

Constantine (Clarke Kent) (yes, really) is also a highlight, possibly because he's one of the few characters that you can believe beyond a shadow of a doubt would show up in a porn version of the DC Universe. Kent honestly looks like he just stepped off a page of Hellblazer, and I'm going to go ahead and say it: This is the single best performance of John Constantine that has ever made it to film. Maybe he'll get a spin-off movie with the rest of the Vertigo characters.Hell, Braun might even be able to get Alan Moore to sign off on that one.

Anyway, Batman eventually confronts Bane (Derrick Pierce), who has kidnapped Kathy Kane (Andy San Dimas, who is here as "Bruce Wayne's ex-fiancee," rather than as the original Batwoman). Quick side-note, Bane's opening line is "Welcome back to Gotham, hope you like what I've done with the place," and Batman responds with "I'll send you a picture in Arkham," which makes absolutely no sense and thus becomes the only truly fun line in the entire movie. But alas, Batman is betrayed by Kathy and Catwoman, gets his ass kicked, and is then left for dead while Bane and the ladies go off to enjoy themselves at length. That's how the movie ends.

I will say, the actual Knightfall-style backbreaker that Bane drops on him during the climax (no pun intended) actually does look more convincing than its big-screen counterpart, but I'm not kidding: The Dark Knight XXX ends with Batman being paralyzed and left for dead, twitching once before we cut to credits. What is even happening in this movie?!

Lucky Bane gets to fuck both Catwoman & Batwoman.

Batwoman likes facials as much as fighting crime.

Get a load of this Batman!

The whole thing is just unbelievably grim, which is even more bizarre given how cheery and likable everyone is in the Behind The Scenes feature, in which Francesco talks about collecting action figures. It's at this level where it's just impossible to figure out just what they were going for.

At this point, it's not a surprise that there's a porn parody of Nolan's Dark Knight films. But the fact that it's even more dark, depressing and utterly hopeless than the source material? That boggles the mind, and let me quote Jor El's words "the father becomes the son, the son becomes the father" That is exactly what happened with this parody, which takes the word "dark" into a whole new level. Perhaps, that is the plus about this parody that doesn't follow the established patterns of regular parodies out there.

So, if you want to see hot girls being fuck like mad, this is definitely your movie, but take into account that Batgirl & Poison Ivy die after they have sex, and that alone can kill any boner. However, porn parodies aren't films you would watch with your girlfriend to get the party started if you know what I mean. And if you're looking for entertainment, as parodies are supposed to deliver entertainment, you may get a little of that with The Dark Knight XXX, but if you're just curious about it, watch it then!

Here's the movie trailer:

Condorman

A hero like everyone else's hero.

It's been a while since the last update so today's entry will make it up to you, I promise. Comic book heroes are not always born in a comic strip, sometimes they're born in the big screen just like today's entry. The year 1981, the movie Condorman and believe it or not, this film was made by Disney and in a way it is one of the earliest spoof films that became so widely popular in the late 90's. Condorman is not meant to be taken serious, it is an entertaining film that makes fun of spy films & superhero films at the same time.

If you're like me, once you've seen one spy movie, you've really seen them all. They're all the same, with different details. Spy movies, the normal variety, are highly overrated. The same is true with super hero movies, comics, cartoons, etc. Once the original Superman, Spiderman, etc, are introduced, nothing is ever original after that, and it's just so much hogwash that takes itself far too seriously.

Slightly inspired by DC Comics' Hawkman.

When is this nerd going to fuck me?

Enter the spoof, or the farce. This delightful genre of movie or TV show takes something known to be serious, and makes it silly. The fun in watching something like this does not come from thinking "wow, this really could have happened, it's so realistic" but rather from thinking, "Aha! They are making so much fun of James Bond in this scene, it's just hilarious!" A spoof is a variation of a farce-- a farce is a silly story that no one could really expect to happen, but a spoof is a farce that makes fun of something that people take way to seriously. Other popular farces and spoofs have included Get Smart, Gomer Pyle, USMC, The Inspector General, Mathnet (on Square 1 TV), The Princess Bride, Robin Hood Men in Tights, and all the Monty Python adventures. There are many others.

Condorman is just such a spoof. It is meant to be funny. It is comedy first, romance and drama second. It appeals to a wide range of age groups because children actually think it's cool (if they're not already spoiled with too many brain-numbing robot and ninja cartoons to be able to appreciate true comedy) and adults love the stabs and jabs taken at the serious spy movies and superheroes.

I'm helpless & dripping!

I may not be Hawkman but I sure can fly.

Once again, we have a film about a cartoonist (or writer or filmmaker) who is drawn into his own work. Conceptually, the notion is rich: one gets to support two simultaneous levels and play with the notion of self-created narrative. We've seen a few experiments along these lines that are intelligent. This one is along the lines of `Misadventures of Margeret,' `Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle' and `Monkeybone' which fail because they take the cartoon end too seriously.

The most interesting element is what drove Disney to explore such an approach. The second most interesting feature is the casting of Barbara Carrera. She is a fine example of what defines spy movies: exotic appearance, damsel in distress, obvious acting deficiency deliberately engineered to produce a characterless sex object. She is perfect, in fact, I'll see if I can find her anywhere else after this. 

The hero gets the girl.

The girl gets the hero's facial.

and they both get the getaway car.

Yes, Condorman might have been better with a bigger budget, and maybe a little more effort could have been put into some of the plot, but I still love it and I think it is by and large one of the most satisfying and memorable films ever made. They don't make anything like it any more-- it's of the same ilk as Strongest Man in the World, and Herbie. Maybe Don Knotts would have been a funnier Condorman, but I still think it was great. I never noticed the wires holding Condor man up or the poor American accent while I was a kid-- come on, you people still watch the Wizard of Oz! For overall watchability, I think this is one to keep on the front row of your DVD collection just make sure where you look for it because the DVD it's out of print and that means its price has gone up since then. 

Man how I loved his car back then.

the Condorboat!

This is a great movie to watch if you want to let your brain rest awhile. "Phantom of the Opera" alumnus Michael Crawford plays a carefree comic-book writer who inadvertantly ends up helping a Russian spy (played by Barbara Carrera, the definitive 007 femme fatale from "Never Say Never Again") defect to the West. The film is helped by beautiful location photography in Paris, Monaco, and Istanbul and two awesome chases (one is a car chase in Yugoslavia and the other is a boat chase in Monte Carlo) But there are some parts that try to be humorous but fall flat. Overall, though, "Condorman" is a pretty cool movie. 

80's Bush, hairy doggy style.

Bond girl.

On a side note, when the world found out Disney was planning to buy Marvel Comics everyone scared the hell out, maybe they thought Disney would turn legendary heroes into their updated rendition of Condorman. Thank god they didn't. 

Here's the movie trailer: 

Here the best moments of the film: