Transformers 4, Age of Extinction

Don't go to the theater to watch this crap.

OK, so Mr. Michael Bay returns to the world of the highly profitable Transformers, how good is this? The answer obvious to many, doubtful to some depends on how old are you and how much you like the work of Bay himself. First, these movies were not made for 80's nostalgia lovers, these were merely made to allow Hasbro to sell their toys to newer generations of kids (well, adult collectors too) thus allowing the marketplace to grow and foster the development of further Transformers products. Inevitably, the original Transformers fans (count me in G1 lovers!) would be turned against their will to go straight to the theaters to cure the cravings for seeing a dream come true: Live action Transforming Transformers!

Years went by and after two rather acceptable movies and a disappointing third installment the unexpected happened: Another sequel!

Transformers: Age of Extinction is a disaster. I was thrilled to get the chance to see it before most of the world (an online copy leaked, I wouldn't waste a nickel on a ticket for a Michael Bay flick) but ended up being thoroughly disappointed. The movie is 165 minutes of incoherent nonsense and if you thought that's what the previous movies were, well, you might start appreciating them after seeing this.

Oh my god! G1 Optimus Prime!

...And, it's gone!

First of all, it has that god awful Michael Bay humor that we saw in the previous movies. It's not funny at all and there is so much of it so often it makes you cringe. It's like watching a senile old man running naked on the street. It's sad and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

But that stuff was there before as well. What I loved about the Transformers movies, or what anyone loves about them, was watching the robots transform and fight. The previous movies had memorable moments. I still remember the scene from the first movie where Ironhide jumps up and shoots missiles mid-air in slow motion as the woman is screaming below, and Starscream jumping and transforming mid-air and flying off, Sideways getting sliced in half by Sideswipe, Scorponok rising from the ground, and the brief scenes with Demolisher and Devastator in the second movie and finally the Shockwave sequences and that time Bumblebee transforms with Shia LaBeouf (terrible actor) still in the car from the third movie.

But nothing of that sort happens in this movie. Other than Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, there are three other Autobots in the movie, all of whom are new. They try to come across as interesting but you don't really give a damn about them. Bumblebee is so seldomly seen on screen you forget he's even there in the movie. And Optimus Prime goes through his usual routine of getting his ass thoroughly kicked in the first half of the movie, only to rise again later, something which has been a common theme of previous movies. This is why I don't feel particularly strongly about the movie version of Prime because he fails so often and so hard in combat it's difficult to take him seriously as a leader.

Useless human beings with great surviving skills.

Fake Steve Jobs and her Chinese associate.

There are plenty of action sequences in the movie but the first half has about 10% of them. And considering the first half is about 90 minutes long it means you are treated to a lot of talking and other stuff that is either plain stupid or just boring. When shit does start hitting the fan later, it's just a bloody mess, with so much happening at once that you don't care about anything and none of it is particularly cool or memorable. There is also the nausea-inducing shaky camera technique being thoroughly abused here, which actually makes it hard to see what's going on because everything is shaking so god damned much all the time. Except when there is a product placement going on, then the camera is absolutely still so you can see the brand name clearly.

The only redeeming aspects of this movie are the exceptional CGI with some stunning 3D and the incredible sound. The movie looks and sounds fantastic and if you do make the mistake of watching it, do it in IMAX like I did because otherwise there will be nothing there to enjoy. (This film does have the highest amount of IMAX footage I've seen in any movie, with practically half the movie being in IMAX. However, I did not like the way it constantly keeps jumping between IMAX and non-IMAX footage between every other scene. This probably won't bother you as much as it bothered me and if you watch it in a regular theater then you won't see it at all.)

Retro Bumblebee.

Transformed Bumblebee.

OK but, what is there anything new on this film?

Transformers, Age of Extinction is about the same plot that we watched in the previous films, so the answer is a thunderous smashing NO! If you think I'm being too hard on the film, please check the following list I made while watching it:

1. There is a random family story of a group of human beings that will randomly become entangled with the transformers (we saw that already in the previous 3 movies!)

2. There is a secret agency plotting to destroy or at least control the Transformers (yep, it happened three times already)

3. There is a powerful business corporation trying to profit out of the Transformers technology (it happened already on Transformers Dark of the Moon)

4. The Transformers have been long enough with us on earth. Even before us.(it happened already on Transformers 2 & 3)

5. There is a conspiracy involving the government, secret agencies, powerful business men and aliens AKA Transformers (fuck! it fucking happened already for god's sake Michael Bay!)

6. Megatron must be fucking immortal! (he's been killed three times already and he keeps coming back!)

7. The presence of a sexy looking girl who adds nothing to the plot (my god!)

Yeah, Even I don't know why I'm on this movie.

Nicola Peltz in the flesh.

Alright, I admit it, there are a few new things and I also made a list:

1. The military are nowhere to be seen on this film. Not even when the robots are fucking blowing sky high a city. Perhaps, they quit their jobs and move on to some more interesting activities like crocheting with grandma. 

2. None of the original cast from the previous movies are here. Not even a cameo.

3. Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Megatron transform into new cars/trucks so that you can get the new toy (they transform into old vehicles and then newer vehicles, so you have to buy them both, what are you waiting for! go now!)

4. The Dinobots! (why the fuck weren't they summoned in earlier films?) Get those toys boy!

The latest internet meme is here!

Overall, Transformers: Age of Extinction is a horrible mess of a movie and a complete waste of time and money. The previous Transformers movies were a guilty pleasure and scratched a very specific itch for a very specific audience but this one doesn't even do that while inheriting all the flaws of its predecessors. It takes a special kind of idiot to mess up something so simple but Michael Bay does it with aplomb. Hopefully, the title "Age of Extinction", will lead to Bay quitting film making. I for one, got my fingers crossed...

Here's the movie trailer:

The Wraith

He's not from around here.

The world of movies has always suffered from the rip-off illness, and today's entry wanted to be the cure for that pain, since the carsploitation genre became a gear heads-only interest it was a matter of time to see the genre decrease quality and fall into VHS video club obscurity...

The past entry was about, probably one of the most iconic carsploitation movies (along with Vanishing Point) However, the idea of an evil vehicle following you for no reason, as well as endless car chases for whatever reason, wore off very quickly. Nevertheless, Mike Marvin came up with a brand new idea to freshen up the genre and appeal to the 80's youth in revolt.

The Wraith is a 1986 action/science fiction film, directed and written by the above mentioned Mike Marvin. The film was later featured in an episode of Cinema Insomnia. The movie is dedicated to the memory of Bruce Ingram, a camera operator who died during the filming of one of the car chases.

Illegal racing, yeah!

Scary and cool at the same time.

Anyways, the film introduces us to Packard Walsh (Nick Cassavetes) who is the ruthless leader of a criminal gang that steals the cars of people they intimidate into racing. The entire town fears him, including his "girlfriend," Keri Johnson (Sherilyn Fenn), whom he sees as his own property. However, Keri actually despises Packard and stays with him out of fear so that he will not harm her. The town knows that Packard murdered James "Jamie" Hankins (Christopher Bradley), Keri's former boyfriend, since he was opposing him and also wanted Keri for himself, but the police cannot convict him of the murder due to the absence of Jamie's body, since Packard had him buried in the desert with his gang. Packard controls the town with his evil power.

As Packard organizes the races in the outskirts of the town, his tyrannical control of the races is suddenly at risk when a phantom-like black and grey Dodge M4S Turbo Interceptor called "The Wraith" unexpectedly arrives in town. The driver of this car is covered from head to toe in a racing helmet and futuristic black body armor that conceals his identity. The armor is adorned with metal braces resembling those worn by victims recovering from severe physical trauma. He starts to appear at Packard's races, where he kills his gang members one by one...

 

A hi-tech avenging angel.

This super Dodge car really existed.

If someone asks if The Wraith is worth watching, I can not help but laugh when all you find on the internet is bad reviews about it. No one claimed it as a classic that would win awards or prizes for depth of storyline etc. What The Wraith  does have is earnest performances, fantastic FX, amazing score and very pretty photography that will make you believe you're actually in the 80's again. Besides, the theme this flick depicts may appeal to many different kinds of viewers, not just gear heads or cult fans. a young Charlie Sheen portrays the mysterious new guy in town who happens to have a crush on the wrong girl. Now what does this new kid on the block have to do with the mysterious black car that shows up here and there?

This movie is totally innovative, nothing like it before or since and there are a lot of techniques used in this movie that I haven't seen improved/enhanced since then. The bit where Jake's scrambler breaks into 4 meteorites still looks great, the tasteful re-animation of the Wraith mobile after crashes (nowadays that would probably be done using reverse photography).

Yes, laugh at the shadow of the camera (in the days before monitors) during the race scenes, at least they bothered to use real cars on real roads at high speed, unlike pathetic CGI cars (fast & the furious saga and the gone in 60 seconds  remake) with crap physics.

Bad dudes.

Bono is the bad guy.

The action scenes in Mad Max & Mad Max 2 are sped up and look ridiculous. (Watch the bit in Mad Max 2 just before he crashes his Interceptor...you'll see.)

The acting is pantomimish (baddies=very bad, goodies=very good) but that is the style of this movie. We know that these actors are capable of more in-depth characterizations, but this is a shallow b-movie. That's all it's supposed to be. Anyone who watches this movie and expects anything other than popcorn fodder is an absolute idiot. Moaning about technical problems and poor acting only makes you look like an idiot. And let's face it, even today's biggest blockbusters are chock full of mistakes and glitches.

You don't watch a Carry On movie and then say "Oh, that was quite unrealistic, and the acting is bad." That's the point. It's silly farce. You're not supposed to take it seriously!

Strangely enough, I'm surprised that this movie was not seized upon by the pompous comic book brigade! I guess, if it was a little more Gothic and The Wraith was brooding and had a troubled back story it would have been more accepted. I'm glad it didn't and wasn't.

If it was made now, it would have stinking CGI FX and too much back story.

Care for some fingering my pussy, unknown guy?

Yeah, bush was popular in the 80's.

All in all, The Wraith is a bubblegum movie. You don't like it, don't watch it. As a b-movie for it's time, it is a technically superior easy watch which still towers over many newer movies of the same genre.

And for people moaning about rubbish acting, check out Matthew Barry's performance when Billy Hankins realises Jake is his brother. It's an amazing, emotionally charged moment. I dare you to disagree and if you do you must be tripping.

Here's the movie trailer:

The Car

What evil drives!

Whenever someone talks about a horror film with a murdering car as the lead role they instantly think of Stephen King's Christine film adaptation or his From a Buick 8 novel but, long before Mr. King set his mind on writing about evil cars there was this wonderful 1977 horror flick simply known as The Car. Perhaps, Mr. King took the inspiration from this classic carsploitation horror flick to write one of his most popular horror novels (well, aren't all of his novels popular?)

Some critics dismissed The Car as a "Jaws on wheels", and it was also lost in the wake of Star Wars' release pouncing any other films out at that time. The general audience was a bit befuddled by the more cerebral aspects of The Car and just weren't sure what they were watching. That's what makes this film one that has made a nice comeback on VHS/DVD for collectors who appreciated all the elements that made The Car unique.

Yeah, I'll have a pizza with everything on it...

While the film Christine was more of a commercial success, it was a much cruder telling of a story and didn't have a sense of wonderment that drew us into the fantasy. The Car was, as New York Press writer Jim Knipfel wrote, "If Ingmar Bergman had made a horror movie about a murderous automobile, he would have made The Car." The philosophical edge didn't turn the story into a joke, but rather gave some weight to a fantastic and desperate situation, balancing the dread and the actions of the townspeople.

The Car is visually stunning, the desert location is used in a very scenic way instead of vast empty spaces that usually are obvious for film economics. Here, the locations are all over, bridges, mountains, and yes, open spaces...all are used well and keep the beauty in contrast to the sinister element driving through and plowing people down. Excellent camera work keeps this one a notch above even more mainstream films.

"Hi, I'm the car and I like killing people on my spare time"

I've always though that cars up through the 1970s had faces on them, mostly expressions of anger or sinister intentions. The most beautiful cars in the world could just be so frightening if you look right at them. This black sedan custom made for the film could just sit there and do nothing (well, it does sit on dark streets sometimes) and you'll get chills.

Combine the scenery with the deadly car and the various personalities of the characters, and you have something more profound than just a movie about a mysterious car running people down. These people have purposes, ideals, and obviously problems, and put those against the situation they're faced with...this film is chock full of substance. In a way, like an "art" film, it is true as Knipfel also noted that Ronnie Cox (the alcoholic deputy) is weeping a lot and is seen mostly in doorways and windows. James Brolin (the sheriff) does tend to stop and stare at walls as if to find answers, and Kathleen Lloyd (the school teacher) decides to get in a debate with the Car as it has them trapped in a strangely placed graveyard.

Hands up car!

While you won't be terrified out of your seat, you will definitely feel some goose bumps and find yourself with a serious look on your face as you gaze at several scenes. Yes, there is something about this film that transcended the typical horror genre. I have a first printing of the paperback novelization by Dennis Shryack And Michael Butler (Dell Books, May 1977) and the book does go a bit deeper into the why's and how's and such of the Car and the mysticism involved. But the film does a fine job of entertaining, even if you want to say it's schlock, you can't deny it's much elevated above the other B-horror efforts of the time.

Many, many horror films like the pretty-teens-in-peril ones being manufactured ad nauseum are pretty much forgotten after the initial video rentals die down. Then there are films like The Car that have been sought after for years and celebrated when it arrived on VHS/DVD for the first time since its theatrical release in 1977. Films as unique as The Car have held their own because there was care put into their production, more thought to its intention, and a long-lasting affect on those who have understood it and appreciated it.

Run kiddo, run.

Sure, a horror film doesn't have to be full of "importance" to be a fun and scary experience, but when film makers take that chance to make something more unique, then good for them! Long live The Car!

here's the movie trailer:

The Cheerleaders

Cum and huddle.

If you were to introduce someone to the sexploitation genre  I think today's entry would definitely be the proper choice. The Cheerleaders, (UK theatrical title: The 18 Year Old Schoolgirls) is a 1973 comedy film directed by Paul Glickler and starring Stephanie Fondue and Denise Dillaway. The film's success spawned a series of sequels during the 1970's.

The film courted controversy due to its plot and subject matter: the titular cheerleaders are seen seducing, amongst others, the football coach, a female gym coach, and the school bus driver. There was also female on male rape when the cheerleaders kidnap and then have sex with the members of the opposing football team the night before the big game. In areas where the age of consent was 18 at the time, or where the laws on consent prohibited under-18s having sex with over-18s, there was controversy over statutory rape.

Re-releases of the film have been renamed as "The Eighteen Year Old Schoolgirls" in some regions, presumably so as to remove at least part of that particular controversy, as the exact age of the girls was never stated within the film.

Yeah, right.

I see where this is going.

The plot was--well, let's be serious here--nonexistent, but the campy nature of the movie won me over. I immediately thought of "Night Calls: The Movie" and its sequel when I watched this film. Then again, it reminded me of "Debbie Does Dallas", without the real sex scenes.

The story is elementary--a group of cheerleaders....um....er, what are they doing again? I'm sorry, another one of them just had sex with a football player, or in a guy's car while the car is in the car wash, or a guy wearing nothing but a jockstrap...etc. This was what a cheerleader movie was supposed to be, guys. A bunch of horny girls having sex with anything remotely resembling a man.

The central character is a youngish looking girl looking to lose her virginity. The other girls look at her in shock. The rest of the movie follows her exploits as she looks to "make it" with a guy for the first time.

These girls like to show off.

I'll give you a free burger but...

If someone dares question the acting quality I tell you, these girls make no attempt to be actresses; in fact, I thought this was a porno when the film started (better yet, I actually thought I was watching "Debbie Does Dallas"). The guys in this flick are all looking to get laid (We all are, aren't we?), and our faithful cheerleaders happily obliged them. What was their big scheme right before the big football game? To sleep with as many players on the other team as possible in order to tire them out. If only my old high school cheerleading squad was THAT accommodating, maybe we would have won the state championship.

I watched the other Cheerleaders movies before this (..Swinging & Revenge) and expected this would be tame in comparison..boy was I in for a surprise. This movie is essentially a series of executed fantasies. Down through time most or many of us have pondered the idea of making sweet love to a cheerleader. While I found myself particularly uncomfortable watching a girl sitting up in the lap of a much older, grinning-from-ear-to-ear bus driver(..missing some teeth), as he attempts to keep from hitting cars parked in the neighborhood, or the scene where a middle-aged father gets the ride of his life, seemingly in heavenly bliss, these are obvious dreams come true, printed to celluloid. We even get a lesbian encounter between Patty(Kimberly Hyde)and her cheerleader coach. The Cheerleaders is another exploitation feature which perfectly embodies the uninhibited spirit thriving during this decade after the summer of love overflowed it's sexually free ways, spilling into the 70's. The girls seem absolutely fine in shedding their clothes at any given moment.. Especially tasteless fare, directed and acted embracing the joyous nature of love-less sex. Yeah, I enjoyed it. The camera spends a great amount of time observing the cheerleader squad's derrière, and we often get long pans up and down their bodies. The uniforms are ridiculously short (..thanks guys!) so that even when they aren't naked, they might as well be. 

Lesbian workout.

Yeehaw!

If we had to discuss the importance of The Cheerleaders, we'd had to say this film was a precursor to the teen sex comedy genre that would become popular a decade later. However, the difference between this film and the latter films is that at least the kids that were in those films would go on to become some of the finest actors that would ever grace the silver and small screens. These bimbos probably think The Actors Studio is an apartment house in west Hollywood. Also, I'm surprised that this film didn't get an X instead of an R. I guess, the fact that no genitalia was shown saved it because there were enough bare breasts in this turkey to make even Russ Meyer blush.  

Despite the frequent sex, the movie is overall light and innocent. A lot of the comedy arises from the sex scenes which is sort of unique. Usually in these films the sex scenes are played straight and/or romantic and the sthick is in the rest of the film. Here, sex is part of the sthick and because of that it mixes into the movie a whole lot better.

The burger guy gets his meat.

The heyday of pubes was the 70's.

It's also unusual to have female nudity played for laughs. The rule of thumb in these movies is that male nudity is funny (like in Porkys or Private Resort)and female nudity is sexy. In this movie, female nudity is played for laughs at least a couple times.

Slapstick, sexual slapstick, goofy premise, total reality disconnect, pre PC freedom, impossibly short cheerleader skirts, this movie has it all.

What it also has is a leading lady who's cute with a capital CUTE. Willowy Stephanie Fondue plays Jeannie, a girl who is desperate to lose her virginity but whenever she tries, something goes wrong. That's where the suspension of disbelief begins and you'll have to keep it all through the film. Especially when the cheerleaders come up with their grand plan of helping their team win by tiring out the opposing team in a... er... special way.

Shower that muffin'  girl!

Cum explosion!

This is a classic for the Joe Bob Briggs set, of which I am a part(Yes, I love the real classics, I love the high minded films but I love these type of movies too... so shoot me).

It's also full of ephemeral details like see through water beds, shag walls and pictures of teen stars in the lockers I can't recognize. It's a trip!

The girls playing the cheerleaders did not have Oscars looming over their heads but they were appealing and often showed decent comic timing.

You are most likely to find this film on video edited to an R(the earliest video release was not edited. I've seen both). The original version, while not pornographic, would no doubt get an NC-17 today. I don't know if it was originally released as an X rating, unrated or if it did indeed squeak by with an "R" rating because of the MPAA's looser latitude on sex in films back then.

Fully satisfied cum swallowing cheerleader.

So, for those of you that liked "American Pie" and all those other recent so called sexploitation movies, rent this movie and see how much more fun these type of movies were when they were less self conscious to getting a particular MPAA rating or to treading (but not crossing) "the line" and much more "Hey! This is going to be wild! Let's have fun with this!". 

Here's the movie trailer: