X-Men: Apocalypse

The apocalypse of the X-Men franchise is finally here.

I know I said we were kinda tired of posting about superhero films but here we are again, back at it for spammy reasons. People who bashed Terminator Genisys (one of our most popular reviews of last year) for its time travel alteration of a beloved time line will have no balls to complain about the same issue in today's entry. Superhero movies are still in the spotlight and posers love to brag about how up to date they're with the latest trends.  

Today's review, X-Men: Apocalypse has a lot in common with Terminator Genisys not just in a single way, but in many ways. The former was made to attract newer generations into the myth of a well known universe with a 30 something years old fan base. The original X-Men films date back as far as the year 2000, so updating things without messing up time lines can be a tricky task even for his original film maker.

Alright team, this time we'll get it right.

Singer trying to come up with superhero suits.

Bryan Singer is not a great film maker, he barely makes it as an average director and to put it in business terms, because superhero films are big business these days, watching a Bryan Singer film can be best described as line stretching. Line stretching (as defined by the Business Dictionary) is Increasing the number of products within an existing product range with similar products that have additional or different features. When a business already has a well established brand, it can use line stretching to expand its product line and help increase its market share without having to develop substantially new products. The final line sums up exactly what watching X-Men Apocalypse is.

 

Understanding the film industry is all about business, the line stretching concept justifies hiring people like Michael Bay and Bryan Singer as film makers. Their job is to put minimum effort into expanding a franchise without substantial matter at all. Boy aren't they lucky, are they? Getting paid for doing a terrible job!

Although the first two X-Men films did have a moderate impact in the early 2000's (spawning other superhero films like Daredevil, Hulk, The Fantastic Four & Ghost Rider) Calling these movies influential & ground breaking is a big fat lie.

The new meh villain.

Angel & Storm are bad guys now?

The X-Men universe Bryan Singer built in the early 2000's was that of a realistic take on racial discrimination against people with a unique origin, or shall I say quality? The cool looking superhero suits were all replaced by black leather, and some of the signature features of the characters were gone for the sake of a PG rating and selling a lot of ugly toys. 

Move things back to the future and by the second half of the 21st century superhero films are as big as yer momma's ass. 2014's X-Men Days of Future Past brought Singer back into action with your favorite mutants BUT as usual, his characters are his own creation, or as I'd prefer to put it, his X-Men are his own disrepectful as fuck creation. Everyone, or most of the comic book readers are clearly aware of the Days of Future Past story arc as one of the best X-Men comic books ever but, the guy who gave Superman Returns couldn't care less so he profited on the name of a serious legacy, he's the click bait bitch of Hollywood.

X-Men Apocalypse opens up with the origin story of Apocalypse and how he's been able to move from century to century until he's ready to conquer the world by finding the most powerful mutants and making them even more powerful. Once he does that, he's off to Charles  Xavier school to either convince him of joining forces or destroying him and his students. The obvious thing happens, hence the battle of good versus evil is on again. However, don't think this is a negative review, this is an honest review, we're neither official media nor have we been paid to advertise a certain point of view (it happens more frequently than you think, specially with the movie & music industry)

They completely ignored my earlier movie appearances!

Looks aren't everything Psylocke.

Anyways, X-Men Apocalypse, has its charms. Quicksilver being my favorite character from DOFP, returns with more on screen time, which is a clever move by Singer, as he delivers the most entertaining scenes with a light hearted character that enjoys his superpowers  and is always willing to help those in need with no hesitation. The other new additions are mediocre at most. Unless we're talking about the new takes on Jean Grey & Scott Summers which explain their origin story as well as finally making it up for the old Cyclops seen in the first two X-Men films. James McCvoy's Charles Xavier & Michael Fasbender's Magneto are the best written characters out of the two latest X-Men movies. These guys were made for the role, and it shows. The other strong character, although it resembles nothing the source material is Jennifer Lawrence's Mystique. She steals the show every time we see her in the emotional scenes. The rest of the characters, including the new additions and Apocalypse are simply meh! Their personalities are utterly derivative and will not stay in your mind for long. As for plot twists or original story telling, I'm afraid nope, there isn't anything surprising here. Still, there are a few references to previous X-Men films that work very well, you know, the flashback scenes, and those linking X-Men Apocalypse to characters from the original X-Men trilogy. 

Another charm the film has is references to pop culture, specially 80's pop culture. You have Quicksilver playing Ms. Pac-Man, watching Knight Rider and saving the day while the background song is the god awful 80's shit Sweet Dreams by the even shittier Eurythmics. In addition, there's a movie theater scene where Jubilee, Jean Grey, Nightcrawler (dressed with Michael Jackson's Thriller red leather jacket) & Cyclops have just finished watching Return of the Jedi. The comments about how sequels suck, specially a third sequel, are hilarious, until you're at the very end of the film and realize this scene also fits the movie you're watching. 

Thank god he's back!

Younger & better versions of beloved characters.

Now, let's get down to the real reason I compare Terminator Genesys, to the new Bryan Singer X-Men movies: Messing with timelines is always a big thing, and fan boys do not forgive (Unless, it's Back to the Future or Dr. Who, nonetheless) These new X-Men films, clearly have nothing to do with comic book X-Men, so set that aside, X-Men Apocalypse feels like a forced sequel that desperately tries to cover every plot hole and establish connections with the whole X-Men franchise (yes, even including Wolverine's solo films)  The simpler the plot, the better the experience. When things are this tangled up, the presence of Quicksilver feels like a creme brulee passing softly through your esophagus, because the main course is rusty nails! 

Out of all 2016 superhero films the ranking, if rankings are your thing, are all clear now. The first place it's taken by Captain America: Civil War, second place is Deadpool and nobody cares about third and fourth but, I'd say there's an honorable mention to Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice for trying and that's 2016 for me.  Suicide Squad? ha! you've gotta be kidding! I'm sure that one will suck greasy balls.

Finally, a decent Cyclops!

I'm a bad guy just because.

All in all, everyone knows who the X-Men are, or at least have a tad of knowledge that is enough to watch this movie, even if you don't give a shit about comic books, or never read one just because you don't like reading. Is this essential viewing? no, not at all. In fact, if you don't watch it, you're not missing much. Fox studios have tried superhero films time after time and have failed time after time with Deadpool being the only exception (although the Deadpool movie feels like a one night stand, it's better than a lot of other superhero films around)

X-Men fans well, I'm sure they already know the only adaptation they consider nearly as good as the comic books is the 90's animated X-Men series, which despite not being that true to source, didn't drastically change the psyche of its characters, reason enough to praise it as a master piece. 

Verdict? X-Men Apocalypse is a mediocre derivative film at most, but everything that has the Bryan Singer signature on it, will inevitably be mediocre.

Here's the movie trailer, and no, I don't give a fuck about spoiler/no spoiler policies, you're all smart enough to wait. You'll find out the movie sucks sooner or later anyways. 

Trailer #1:

Trailer #2:

Trailer #3:

Lo chiamavano Trinità: They Call Me Trinity

Lazy but quick with a gun.

Comic book films are the exploitation genre of our times. As we speak, you can still go to the nearest movie theater to watch superhero films, and later this year we'll be introduced to more superhero films. Let's be honest, nobody gives a straight fuck if these films do well by concerned fans standards. All these films do well, when they fill your supermarket aisles with toys and other crap, and like the aliens from They Live we buy everything just because. Our blog has fallen victim to the superhero hype as well but, as you can notice from our previous post Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, we're back on track and better than ever. 

To celebrate our escape from mass media and mass consumption flicks, we give you a true classic: Lo Chiamavamo Trinita AKA They Call Me Trinity, the definitive Italian film that brought Terence Hill & Bud Spencer to international stardom, hence enabling them to film a lot of action packed comedies that to this very day remain as master pieces no other fucks have outdone. 

Two brothers against...

...Mexican crooks.

Terence Hill had been acting in movies for almost twenty years before he took the lead in "Unholy Four" director Enzo Barboni's "They Call Me Trinity" (1971) with his favorite co-star Bud Spencer. Initially, Hill made his cinematic debut in 1951 as a child actor in director Dino Risi's "Vacation with a Gangster" under his real name Mario Girotti. Later, Girotti would appear in co-directors Gillo Pontecorvo & Maleno Malenotti's "The Wild Blue Road" (1957), and director Luchino Visconti's "The Leopard" (1963). When Franco Nero became popular, Nero's popularity was so vast that he couldn't appear in every Italian film so the Roman film industry found suitable substitutes, among them Maurizio Merli and Terence Hill. Hill starred in several Spaghetti westerns, including a Nero-esquire oater, director Ferdinando Baldi's "Viva Django!" (1968) as well as in the Giuseppe Colizzi trilogy, "God Forgives, But I Don't" (1967), "Ace High" (1968), and "Boot Hill" (1969), where he met Bud Spencer.

Although it did not qualify as the first Spaghetti western parody, "They Call Me Trinity" cemented Hill's claim to fame and he became famous in his own right. Italian film comics Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia had starred in parody picture "Two R-R-Ringos from Texas" as early as 1967. Meantime, this landmark, low-brow western slapstick shoot'em up roughly imitates the same trail as George Stevens' "Shane" with Alan Ladd and John Sturges' "The Magnificent Seven." Not only did "They Call Me Trinity" turn Terence Hill into an international superstar, but also Bud Spencer and he wound up co-starring in 18 films. They met on Colizzi's "God Forgives, But I Don't" when Hill replaced actor Pietro Martellanza after the latter broke his leg and found himself acting with Spencer. Ironically, cinematographer-turned-director Enzo Barboni is reported to have persuaded Sergio Leone to watch "Yojimbo" because it would make a great western. Barboni lensed his share of Spaghetti westerns, including "The 5-Man Army," "The Hellbenders," "A Long Ride from Hell," and "Viva Django!"

a religious family endangered by violent cowboys.

Innocent girls willing to share a man.

Although it is not the first Spaghetti spoof, "They Call Me Trinity" ranks as one of the top five Italian western comedies, bracketed by its side-splitting sequel "Trinity Is Still My Name" and director Tonino Valerii's "My Name Is Nobody." Unfortunately, Barboni never delivered a third "Trinity," but he did make an inferior spin-off western "Trinity & Bambino: The Legend Lives On." Incidentally, do not be fooled into believing that director Mario Camus' "Trinity Sees Red" is a "Trinity" sequel because it is not. Furthermore, Terence Hill does not play Trinity. Presumably, the distributors were banking on Hill's identity as Trinity to see the film. Terence Hill displayed a knack of comedy so that he could move from a dramatic role to a comedic one. Trinity's first appearance makes it clear he is not a hero in the western tradition of John Wayne riding tall in the saddle. Instead, Trinity sprawls out comfortably on a travois, dragged by his faithful horse that attracts his attention when have reach a stopping point like the Chaparral Stage Coach Station.

Covered from head to toe in dust, Trinity (Terence Hill) fetches his horse some hay and enters the station. The owner gives him a plate of beans. Two bounty hunters with a Mexican in their custody watch in fascination as Trinity polishes off his beans. As he leaves, Trinity takes the poor Mexican with him to the surprise of the bounty hunters. As he strolls out the door with his back to the bounty hunters, they try to bushwhack him. Trinity casually plugs both of them without a backward glance. He just keeps on traipsing along with the little Hispanic to his horse. This scene depicts Trinity's incredible marksmanship. Later, we discover that he can slap a man faster than the other man can draw his own six-gun. The long funny scene when Trinity appropriates the huge pan of beans and wolfs them down with a slab of bread is an amusing gastronomic gag. Thereafter, eating beans became a trademark for both Trinity and Hill. Altogether, Hill is just plain, downright affable as the protagonist who you cannot help but like because he radiates some much charisma. 

Get off your lazy ass Trinity!

My gun doesn't like snitch bitches, you know.

In the next scene, Trinity rides into town where his half-brother Bambino (Bud Spencer) is masquerading as the town sheriff. Bambino is known as 'the left hand of the devil' and he guns down three tough-talking gunslingers when they challenge his authority. As it turns out, Bambino escaped from prison, shot a man following him, learned the wounded man was a sheriff and then took his job. Bambino is waiting for his fellow horse rustling thieves, Weasel (Ezio Marano of "Beast with a Gun") and Timmy (Luciano Rossi of "Deaf Smith & Johnny Ears") to arrive so they can head for California. Major Harriman (a mustached Farley Granger of "The Man Called Noon" doing faux Southern accent) is trying to run a community of Mormons out of a scenic valley where he would rather see his horses grazing. "Either you leave this valley, old man, or I'll bury you in it," Harriman assures Brother Tobias (Dan Sturkie of "Man of the East"), the leader of the Mormons. Eventually, Harriman teams up with an evil Mexican bandit, Mezcal (Remo Capitani of "The Grand Duel"), and his army of horse thieves. Of course, Trinity and Bambino thwart the Major and the Mexicans and save the Mormons from sure suicide.

The slapping scene in the saloon between Trinity and the Major's hired gunmen is hilarious. Bambino and Trinity get along for the most part, but Bambino has little respect for his half-brother's apparent lack of ambition. Nevertheless, the comedy emerges from their clash of personalities. "They Call Me Trinity" relies on broad humor, some shooting, and a lot of fist-fighting, but this western is neither violent nor bloody. The opening theme song provides a thumbnail sketch of Trinity and it hearkens back to similar theme songs in American westerns made in the 1950s.  

Say Trinity, we'd like to see your gun.

Besides acting, Gisela Hahn pursued a modeling career.

What's always been good about watching a Terence Hill/Bud Spencer film is that all the action and comedy are family rated! I fondly remember growing up watching these movies with my dad many, many years ago, and although these films were made during the 70's exploitation craze, there were very few scenes that mildly showed the actresses' sexiness. The strenght on all these movies was the comedy Hill & Spencer developed being naturals at it. 

Soon after the Spaghetti Western fever was over, the couple continued to work on more up to date flicks set in the 70's & 80's but holding the same charisma the couple built in their earliest collaborations. They Call Me Trinity, clearly mocks all the spaghetti heroes of the time, just like Deadpool did with the superhero genre.  

Overall, They Call Me Trinity, is a masterpiece that will be enjoyed not only by Spaghetti Western fans but, also for comedy lovers of all ages and obviously, Terence Hill & Bud Spencer people who grew up watching their movies like I proudly did. If you're one of the few who haven't watched this classic, please, do whatever it takes to find a copy available, you won't regret it! Now, If you've never ever watched a Terence Hill & Bud Spencer, dude! you got serious issues! fix that as soon as possible!

Here's the movie trailer:

And here's another legendary thing about Spaghetti Westerns, the music!!!

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

There will be blood once more.

Did you think I would miss the chance of posting a Friday the 13th review on a Friday the 13th? No fucking way! In the past we've reviewed the first four films of the saga, 1980's original Friday the 13th, 1981's Friday the 13th part II, 1982' Friday the 13th part III 3D, and 1984's Friday the 13th part IV: The Final Chapter. The fourth installment in the Jason Voorhees saga was supposed to be the real final chapter but calling it quits with the most promising slasher character of all time proved to be an impossible thing to do, spawning a lot of sequels, a sequel and even a crossover with a Nightmare on Elm Street's Freddy Kruger. 

The status of Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning as the least popular film in the series has always frustrated and perplexed me. Masterfully directed by Danny Steinmann, it is a supremely entertaining exploitation slasher film. The most common reasons given seem to be: (a) there's not enough gore (b) the story is stupid/the acting isn't very good (c) Jason isn't in the movie(oops! spoiler!). Of course, none of these explanations is valid. First of all, if gore alone is your litmus test to determine whether or not a film is enjoyable, you should probably steer clear of the entire Friday The 13th series, as well as any movie that has been subjected to the wacky ratings system and experienced a wide theatrical release. Go watch… I don't know… a Guinea Pig film. A New Beginning has as much gore as any of the Friday films. If a strong plot and acting of the highest caliber is important to you… well, let's be honest, criticizing A New Beginning for its silly plot is like dismissing Van Gogh because you don't like the color yellow. You're missing the point. Yes, I sort of understand the complaint that Jason isn't in the movie, as he is my favorite of the classic maniacs. (Cropsy, Marty, Michael Meyers, and Angela round out the top five.) But his absence alone shouldn't ruin the whole movie for you. I'd rather watch an entertaining movie that alludes to, yet doesn't feature the actual Jason, as opposed to a boring movie that completely screws up his mythology. (Here's a clue. It comes after VIII and before X.)

Teens, Jason's favorite meal.

Look at this mess!

Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning works because it takes the elements that make a good slasher film and completely exaggerates them. All irony aside, A New Beginning is a trashy, sleazy, exploitative masterpiece. The very premise of having "Jason" hack up a group of mentally-ill teens, which includes two nymphomaniacs, an angry sociopath, a chocolate loving man child, a new-wave goth who likes to dance, and a stutterer, is indicative of the sick-minded, oozy greatness of this movie. Jesus, I haven't even touched upon the mother-son hillbilly biker duo or Demon! This movie has more great characters than the entire Halloween series combined! Are you not entertained by Demon in his "sh*tbox" singing "Oooh, Oooh, Baby…. Oooh, Oooh, Baby" to his sexy girlfriend before being impaled? How could this be? Are you made of stone? Are you? Do you not enjoy watching Violet, who is the most uniquely attractive female in the entire Friday series, do the robot to Pseudo Echo before being killed? I love her with all my heart. What about Ethel and Junior, the most vile, hate-filled, "loony" hating hicks to ever interact with a stained voyeur-drifter? Junior's decapitation, after being pummeled by Tommy following a prank which consisted of shining a light in his eyes, is a fitting end for the angry dullard. Oh, and Vic? The greatest red herring in slasher history. He violently kills Joey after the overweight stereotype accuses him of being "out of line." Harsh words from a strange man!

The number of kills in this movie dwarf the previous Friday record. (Subsequent sequels had more, but, with the exception of Jason X… another unjustly maligned classic… not by much.) The fact that most of these kills are peripheral to the story, unnecessary, and hilarious only adds to their quality. Case in point, the hideously obnoxious, cocaine-addicted mental health worker Billy who picks up Lana the waitress at the diner. She who proceeds to get naked while saying "It's showtime!" to herself in the mirror. You don't see the entertainment value in that, my friends? Following this odd display, a cat bafflingly drops from above and bounces clumsily and hard off a booth. It was a cheap shock and laugh at the same time! Shortly thereafter, Billy and Lana are both killed with enough blood to make it all worthwhile. That entire scene is mesmerizing. And let's not forget the two jerks with the broken down car who appear earlier in the film. They're greasers! Greasers! 

This is a nice idea for a Mortal Kombat move.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I watch slasher films not for genuine scares or insightful twists, but to be entertained. And I am usually entertained by their exploitative depths, bloody action, nudity, uniquely stupid characters, and the basest nihilism of it all. I simply cannot see how anyone could argue A New Beginning doesn't contain every single one of these qualities in excess. It's a sleazy, vicious, offensive slasher that epitomizes everything that makes the genre popular. The time has come to re-evaluate this amazing film and give Steinmann the credit he deserves. 

What else? oh sure! let me explain my point. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning features a fresh plot that can easily revive what Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter promised to finish off.  Unlike previous films from the franchise, people know about Jason Voorhees and his infamous Crystal Lake murders, so that allows writers to come up with an unexpected new approach. Since, our characters are all part of a mental recovery program far from the city, they all hold a darker side in their personalities, specially, our main character Tommy Jarvis (played by John Shepherd and 80's star Corey Feldman in the flashback opening scene) who in the past witnessed the return of Jason Voorhees and escaped by killing him. Obviously, this traumatized him and turn into an unstable person who likes making horror movies masks just for the fun of it. Oh! let's not forget he's constantly attacked by Jason in vivid visions that fade with medical aid only. Could he be connected to Jason? Could he be the re-incarnation of Jason? Watch the movie!

Brave boobs.

A fight to the death!

The rest of the characters don't seem to be as troubled as Tommy is but, this movie is full of surprises. As a matter of fact, there is a key scene that, when watching it for the first time, you would never guess how fucking important it is in the climax.  Melanie Kinnaman, plays Pam, the blonde bombshell who's in charge of the recovery center, and as you can see in the photos above this paragraph, she's not afraid of getting wet while fighting for her life, while showing you her perfectly round tits. 

Anyways, this film would mark the return of the saga to healthy sands and the story told here was supposed to allow more sequels, which in a way, did happen but with changes that I believe, grounded the idea presented here. This is a 1985 movie so I doubt there would be any necessity of giving you spoiler warnings. As stated in the second and third paragraph, Jason Voorhees came back to life BUT he was killed by a 12 year old version of Tommy Jarvis. In F13th Part V, the killer is not the original Jason Voorhees, in fact, the murderer is nothing but a convenient mockery  at the original killer in order to distract the police and scare the victims with ease. 

Does this bikini make me look like a girl to kill for?

In the mood for murderous nudity.

The climax of F13th Part V, offers an open ending that would set the rules for the following sequels but, for Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives,  the script was changed and instead of following what started in Part V, they listened to haters and trolls who bashed part V for not featuring the real Jason Voorhees. To me, in a personal level, the franchise died with Part V, as the sequels ended up being PG rated self parodies that had nothing new to offer but a huge chunk of plot holes and terrible acting that sank Voorhees under Crystal lake for good. 

a PG rated slasher? yes, you read that right, Part VI, VII & VIII were all PG rated films lacking everything that makes a slasher film, a slasher film! no gory murders!, no sex, no gratuitous nudity, no plot twists, no goose bumps, no nothing. So, if you're still one of the few people who haven't watched F13th Part V, please do it as soon as you can, you won't regret it, the story is good enough to keep from falling asleep, and the slasher cliches are all there. 

it's a nice morning for some swallowing some jizz.

Mirror, mirror.

Overall, Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning is the sequel that had it all to take the story to new frontiers, while keeping most of the elements that made the previous films so popular. Nevertheless, since Part V is part of a list of sequels, the movie seems to be out of place only because it doesn't actually feature Jason Voorhees, and by the way it ends, which fosters the chance of a new killer inheriting the infamous hockey mask. Hardcore fans bashed it, producers listened, and they made disastrous sequels featuring the original Jason Voorhees just because. 

Anyways, have a nice Friday the 13th and be careful, there could be a Jason wannabe out there tonight!

Here's the movie trailer:

Captain America: Civil War

The best of 2016.

I said this before: out of every MCU films, the Captain America ones are the best of them all. His debut film, (Captain America: The First Avenger, not reviewed here for unknown reasons) planted the seed and with Captain America: The Winter Soldier my belief was clear, Marvel Studios hired the best team to honor the image of one of the most iconic superheroes of all time. Producers, writers and other personnel worked as hard as a rock and the actors & actresses that portrayed such iconic characters have done it masterfully time after time.

Captain America: Civil War, AKA, Captain America 3 proves with ease that they're not just looking for your money with a greedy drive. Instead, they get your money with care, with a developing story and characters that are written so well, they can grow each time we see them on screen. As I'm writing this entry, I've only watched Civil War once but, rest assured I'll watch it several more times (like I did with Episode VII, Deadpool and yes, Batman V Superman too) Behind a simple plot about concerned governments of the over empowered Avengers, lies the complexity of a group of characters that share the same ultimate aim but with different shades of gray. 

Fascism V/S Freedom.

There can only be one.

OK, but is this film about the super cool Civil War comic book?  

Seriously? I mean, really? at this point, it's clear that the MCU it's its own thing. Nonetheless, each MCU film borrowed a few things here and there from beloved comic book story arcs every fan boy treasures happily in their man cave (or bedroom, or whatever) 

Civil War picks up right after the events of Age of Ultron (hence, the Sokovia accords proposal book the U.N. are so eager to have the Avengers sign) If you've been following the MCU You already know the side effects of superhero battles, and I'm not just talking casualties and destruction, I'm also talking inner tension among the Avengers. Since, this movie is called Civil War, the only comic book related thing you'll find here is the fact that governments want superheroes to be under control of the U.N. which, in a way, resembles what happened in the comic book story arc (The Superhero Registration Act) Of course, not every superhero that made it to the comic book (brilliantly written by Mark Millar and penciled by Steve McNiven in 2006) made it to the movie for the reason explained in the paragraph above. In addition, some battle sequences were directly brought to life from the pages of the comic book. 

Tension between the leads (Captain America & Iron Man) had already been established since the first Avengers movie and boy they burst here!  Captain America stands for "we have freedom to decide when and how to proceed" while Iron Man stands for "we have to answer to somebody, it's best if we peacefully agree" Lines which could be translated as freedom V/S corporate pseudo fascist politics, at least that's the way I see it (you're free to think whatever you want, so you decide) Nevertheless, just like in the comic book, Tony Stark has a craving for being a control freak he can't simply quit just because. He wants to be the hero in control of the rest of the team, and let's be honest, Robert Downey Jr's performance here is fucking fantastic, he makes you either fucking hate him with your guts, or fucking love him with your heart. On the other hand, Captain America is the living breathing ultimate incarnation of self control, meaning he knows to do what's right, and that he trusts others will follow the example. 

Fascist control freak team.

Freedom fighters.

In Civil War, Tony Stark's portrayal is an accurate mix of several story arcs where he disguises as someone doing what's right for everyone while the truth is he's doing what's best for him, which is taking control of other superheroes, while posing as a respected citizen if you get my point. To me, he's a dick, a fucking dick sucking some gigantic ass. He's got sever issues! he's violent, armed, over powered and perhaps the only hero that should be behind bars according to the Sokovia act ideals (you know he's caused more damage than any other hero in the MCU by doing what's wrong (meaning, by getting away with whatever the fuck he wants to not listening to anyone but himself) 

The Winter Soldier, is charged of bombing the U.N. convention center, so Tony Stark decides he has to stop Captain America and his team just because he's "protecting a criminal" And well, that could be a plot hole. How come Tony Stark, a super smart ass with all the technology in the world, cannot find the obvious real perpetrator behind this facade? 

Anyways, two teams form, and battle for what they believe is right but, from very different points of view, which ultimately, reveal the truth nobody want's to see: The Avengers were forced to become a team, and never really liked each other (Specially, rich fuck Stark v/s Steve Rogers)  after more revealing moments happen, it's clear the Avengers will forever change, and working together again won't seem easy, so for the Infinity Wars movies, we'll see a completely different team. 

Anger & martial arts do not get along.

Narcissist  superhero wannabe.

Tony Stark's team members are quite predictable as to how did they choose to sign the Sokovia act, instead of following the rougher road with the Captain. 

Let's check this brief description, so that you can see my point:

• War Machine: A soldier with no brains that follows order and never stops to think if doing what's right is any different from doing what's legal.
• Black Panther: He was fooled into thinking The Winter Soldier killed his father.
• Vision: He's Tony Stark's creation, so...
• Black Widow: She has a double agenda, she will never submit to shitty registration acts. 
• Spider-Man: He's a poor student and Stark buys him off with a scholarship and a new suit.

Now, let's take a look at Steve Rogers' team:

• Falcon: He knows the difference between what's right and wrong.
• The Winter Soldier: His recovering memory, allows him to see he was once on the good guys side. He wants to be on that side again.  
• Scarlet Witch: She knows the only fear she can control is hers, so freedom is her side.
• Hawk Eye: He's always done what's right. Why would he change that now?
• Ant-Man: He's befriended Falcon since their first encounter. A friend of my friend is my friend too!

Hey! I was in the movie too!

Fuck you! I'm who fans want to see!

Now, moving into the most hyped Civil War moment: Spider-Man's debut in the MCU! How was it? how was it?! Well, this is the first time ever, where we're actually seeing a more comic-book accurate Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire's wasn't that bad and the other emo guy, was just teenage shit. Tom Holland just nails the part with a natural talent, so I'm sure like me, you can't wait for his solo movie to debut ASAP. All his lines are mostly hilarious just like they're in the comic book. Also, the battle sequences are simply fantastic (yes, mostly CGI, but well done)  As for Black Panther's debut I'd say he has a modest role on Civil War. Nevertheless, I'm sure that is because his also set to star his own solo movie, but the basics are there, you know, where do you come from, who you are, why you do what you do and so on. Moreover, his battle scenes are very good, you can see he's skilled and holds a powerful armored suit hard to break. 

Another fantastic addition is the presence of Ant-Man. Specially, the battle scheme he & Hawk Eye have designed to attack team rich fuck, and let's not talk about his fantastic Giant-Man moment!

As for the presumed deaths in the movie, sure, there are deaths but not of any of the characters you'd expect, so, no, Captain America doesn't die here despite having Crossbones in the bad dudes list.However, there is a funeral scene (hinted in trailers, TV Spots and leaked photos) but it's about something else entirely.

 

Super powered beauty.

You've got a friend?

Overall, Captain America: Civil War is a fantastic movie, a masterpiece, as good as Captain America: The Winter Soldier or even better! For naysayers, the rumor Tony Stark spends too much on screen time, while Steve Rogers is merely there, they're fucking feeding internet trolls! This is a Captain America movie! and it could have easily replaced the god awful and derivative Age of Ultron. For those thinking yeah but is it better than Batman V Superman? man! stop the crap! different movies, different comic book firms BUT same fans! let's enjoy these movies for what they are meant to do: entertain! if you want division, choose religion and crooked politics instead! 

Now, I know many comic book fans will address the movie as "not truly based upon the original Civil War story arc" Guys! I love comics, and I love movies too! there's no need to go scholar with a movie as good as this one. 

What about the after credits scene? Well, there isn't much going on with it, see it yourself. I for one, found it to be meh! 

What else can I say? Captain America: Civil War is another triumph for Marvel Studios, Disney, and for us the fans who, like Cyndi Lauper would put it, "fans just wanna have fun" and that's exactly what you're getting by watching this new entry in the succesfuly growing healthy, Marvel Cinematic Universe. 

Iron-Man cocksuckers, this movie is all about the Cap! As a matter of fact, I think you should all thank him for being such a good human being or else... 

Here's the movie trailer collection:

The original first trailer:

The second trailer:

And the third and final trailer:

Bonus! The TV Spot that features the Amazing Spider-Man!!