Today's entry could have easily been called Stephen King on Stephen King, Stephen King the short stories writer and for the first time ever Stephen King, the movie director. Let's admit it, movie directors were always interested in turning King's horror best sellers into best selling flicks, and boy some guys did it brilliantly (as Brian de Palma's Carrie) and some others failed miserably, destroying many of Stephen King's greatest books, so our boy, Mr. King himself decided to take the matter into his own creative hands. Budget? hahaha everyone wanted to have signed Stephen King in the 80's!!! so he had no trouble at all setting the rules for his movie making debut: Choosing the actors, the writers, the special effects guys and even the amazing music soundtrack played entirely by Stephen King's favorite rock band AC/DC.
The man, the legend, the evil himself, Mr. Stephen King.
Some of the special effects.
Take all of the above mentioned ingredients and voila you have a masterpiece everyone wants to...oh wait! the movie failed miserably!! yeah, even with Mr. King's hands on it, it just didn't score, so King was told not to give up his daily job haha. Anyways here at Spam-Alternative we all know what makes a movie an entertaining piece of art or, an entertaining piece of crap, your choice of course; I for one think Maximum Overdrive is a must watch for 80's horror flicks.
a Truck Fatality!
Watch out with your Beaver!
Back in the day, 1986 to be accurate, Emilio Estévez was probably one of the most promising young actors to work with, so yeah, King got him the main role, and boy he delivers a pretty good job, making a believable strong character. The rest of the cast does deliver a good job as well, so why in the hell would King's debut film fail? I don't fucking know, and I don't fucking care movies are not meant to be legendary lessons, they're just meant to be fucking funny, and for the fuckers who want to fucking have fucking fun, I say let's fucking enjoy this motherfucking ride based on a short story written by Mr. King called "Trucks".
Optimus Prime gone wild.
I want more pots human shit!
The story is pretty simple, some strange energy flowing from a comet coming near our planet sort of screw things up for three days, and yeah, the fucking machines built to serve us, come to life to fuck us up good. So, the machines turn against our fleshy asses and start killing people all over the world. Mankind prevails, and we have a band of nobodies ready to deal with the business. The machines are lead by a Happy Toys Truck (Toys 'r' Us parody?) with the Green Gobling face as the truck front fender. If King paid the rights to Marvel Comics is beyond me. The soundtrack is another awesome feature of the movie, no fag fucking 80's pop music, just rock and roll as Satan told us to. AC/DC blows our asses up with a great compilation of some of their most powerful tunes, featuring "Who Made Who" a track about the issue depicted in the movie: Machinges messing with us? or us messing with machines?
Run Bitch run!!
This kid is screwing my chance of shagging you lady.
Kids, a common element in 80's flicks.
overall I rate this movie 10 stars out of 10. Everything here is great, the music, the special effects, the actors, the trucks, and the script telling us one day machines could rise and anal fucked us up for good, so please no A.I. we don't want any Terminators here.
Watch it and shag your ladies good after the movie is over. Here's is the movie trailer for you, my loyal freaks:
fuck, this was quite a drunk review, see you on the next motherfucking fucking review of another fucking classic, fuck yeah!
Oh! I forgot AC/DC made its own videoclip for this flick, hail Satan!
Today's review is a special request made by my wife. She wanted me to review one of the greatest horror novels ever written by master Stephen King, though he always sort of felt the movies made based on his writtings weren't that accurate. Anyways, today we're talking about probably one of the most scary made for TV movies ever filmed, hundreds of thousands of kids around the world would be scared by merely hearing the name of PennyWise, the evil undying clown who feeds off of children. Yes, my wife and I didn't want to go to the circus for a while being kids.
Kids fear clowns, I totally understand them.
Filmed in 1990, It, directed by Tommy Lee Wallace was one of the most important made for TV movies. Based on Stephen King's homonymous novel this didn't and doesn't look like the crappy made for TV movies we're used to, this wasn't any sort of failed pilot for a TV series of any kind, and I guess it was the most suitable format for a movie that runs about 3 hours long and is divided into two intertwined stories. The movie has it all, for instance we have Stephen King's neverending love for setting his stories in small towns, such as his hometown Maine, only this time the little town depicted is Derry. Also, we see that director Wallace knew what he was dealing with in terms of the original author's reputation, so he picked the right actors to perform a TV movie that pays homage to the greatest horror writer of all times. So, overall we get to see what we can expect in a movie based in the master of horror writing.
I befriended Pedobear before he was cool.
The movie just like the book is divided in two parts. Part 1 is about a group of friends very much a la Stand By Me kind, known as "The Losers Club" for their many uncool features, but before all of develops, we're told a little about the origin of the killer clown of Derry, an evil spirit, that in the shape of an innocent clowns makes every child's fear come true only to lead them into a trap and feed off of them as above mentioned. So, time goes by, centuries go by and the undying evil spirit of Pennywise the clown comes back to life to haunt our main characters, AKA the losers club. The thing is our kids spend half movie trying to find a way to get rid of the fucking clown, until they all realize they have to fucking fight their own fears back (psychology anyone?) to get rid of the motherfucking child blood sucker.
Part 2 is about having our "losers club" grown up, some made their dreams come true, so came close and some just didn't even make it. Someone has the idea of having a party together just to see how grown they have become. They all agree in their own special kind of agreement and decide in for the class of 60-god-knows-when reunion. Obviously, they didn't count with the unwanted guest Pennywise, once thought dead for good.
I'm hosting this big party in the sewers, come on in!
Pennywise comes back with a single idea on his mind "get fucking bloody revenge" Reasons for this revenge are kind of blurry in the film, but we don't care, I for one, don't care. As soon as our buddies get together we realize they have just hidden their past fears, but oh boy, there's one bad bastard that will remind them of their inner childhood fears. This time we see the true nature of Pennywise, a giant spider shaped monster willing for gory revenge...
The movie delivers an important lesson about staying true to your friends through the years, and of course fighting your worst fears by facing them face to face.
Oh God, this boy's flesh tasted so good.
Overall a great piece of art. It does lack some stuff from the novel, but not even the Lord of the Rings is 100% true to the novels and some freaks love it anyways. The special effects are 90's TV average, so don't expect too much on that side. The acting is great, the kids and adult actors all play their part as if the characters were written for them, and Pennywise is the man, he rules.
Here's the made for TV movie trailer:
dedicated with love to my significant other, my awesome wife.
I know, I know, you guys may be thinking "what the fuck? are we going to read about popular flicks from now on?" There, There boys! it just so happens that today's entry does have some "alternative" value. On the one hand we have the one and only decent film Joel Schumacher ever filmed, and that's not a bold statement, it's the purest of the pure truths. Back there in the 80's film makers had their eyes and minds set into convincing young audiences to buy tickets to go to the movies just like the 60's & 70's teens did go to drive-ins just to shag well. On the other hand The Lost Boys, today's entry you dummies it's a tribute to hundreds of 70's flicks, and tribute is a word we dig here at Spam-Alternative.
Our Bikers.
For some reason, 1987's The Lost Boys was a blockbuster all over the world because it was a movie about vampires with a different point of view. Here we see no dark castles in the top of a hill, nor orchestral music and the typical Dracula/Nosferatu copycats you can find at your local video store for sure. Joel Schumacher had the idea of taking some of the most well known clichés about teenage death movies, like bikers, gangs, playground fairs, a lonely mom moving on with her kids, a new guy in town looking to get laid, and of course some very unusual vampires, plus some comic books freaks.
So, the story has it a new in town family is looking to fit in into a small town, so we have the protective mother looking for a new fiancée, a son looking for friends at a comic book store, and the teenage son looking for some new friends to meet, and mostly a girl to get laid. So there is the environment of the flick which combines its darker moments with humour and a little bit of family values and childhood innocence, a perfect blend.
Do you wanna ride?
The problem is there is this bikers gang (yeah, kinda like in the 70's bikers flicks) that is feared by all town and kind of have control over whatever goes on in the night life. Now, the bikers gang is very special, so very special. They not only dig bikes and have a look to be hesitant of, they are also blood sucking vampires! and every night they wake up to catch their preys for some fresh gushing blood, and yeah our new guys in town are just the new dish to be fed from.
Santa Carla will no longer remain a peaceful town, as the rumour has it there are actual vampires haunting people after midnight.However, our guy Michael (Jason Patrick) is not afraid of the night and finds his way to meet the bikers gang and lay eyes on the beatiful Star (smoking hot Jami Gertz) While his little brother Sam, meet some comic book fans that are 100% certain Santa Clara is crowded with evil vampires.
Sam.
Vampire Hunters.
In the meantime Sam & Mike's mom Lucy is looking for a job and makes her way to some interesting nice guy named Max willing to help her fit in. Little they know they're befriending a whole fucking family of vampires!!!
David (Kiefer Sutherland) is the bikers gang leader, and decides to invite Michael to be a part of their Jim Morrison loving cult, so yeah Michael joins in and inevitably becomes a vampire himself.
Sam finds out his brother is a vampire and with help from his fellow comic fans friends they try every possible way to turn Michael into a human again or die trying...
David & Star.
Jami Gertz. AKA Star!
Jami Gertz, AKA Star's Bush.
Michael knowing he's become a vampire is in a desperate battle against himself to not murder anyone for blood, and asks his little brother Sam for some help to avoid their Mom getting freaked out. Unfortunately little they know, Lucy, their sweet mom has decided to start dating Mr. Max, the motherfucker who leads the vampire crowd!!! and all he wants is to turn Lucy and his kids into vampires to grow his family of flying bats!!
So, the battle between good and evil starts and Lucy's family is almost powerless in comparison to the huge power David and his biker pals have to fight back, besides would you kill your own brother knowing is a vampire? would you kill your son just because of that? Would you believe a bunch of kids telling you the only way to finish this bloody story is by getting rid of Max, the head of the vampire crowd?
Do my teeth look clean enough?
Yes, I look like Anakyn Skywalker.
The big boss, Max.
Overall, a great movie to look for, a classic that gave vampire stories a fresh new start, nothing like the fag pieces of shit we have today with movies about vampires falling in love. A must for nostalgia, a must for the not so serious approach to vampire films lovers, besides this is probably the one and only Joel Schumacher I would recommend to a friend, and I mean it.
Here's the cool movie trailer of one of the few decent 80's movies:
Today I'll make an exception. I won't talk about a movie. I will talk about a documentary that was released this year and has nothing to do with movies but, a lot to do with music, Seattle music.
Malfunkshun, the Andrew Wood Story, depicts the story of one of the most talented artists the pre-Grunge scene gave birth. Unfortunately Andrew Wood didn't live long enough to see the extent of his musical influence.
Scott Barbour, an independent film maker had the original idea of making a movie about Andrew Wood's life, he even had a script and some acting auditions but, in the research process he sort of decided to let the real characters tell the story, so, yes! We have an emotive storytelling that opens up the door of the Wood family itself. Also, we see bandmates, friends and music producers that were a part of Andrew Wood's life in very different aspects.
The film maker.
Malfunkshun.
The touching moments are added courtesy of Tony Wood (Andrew's mom) who in her living room explains the many feelings and stories she shared with Andy as a mother and as a fan. However, this is not a biography film in the type of the Biography Channel, this is an intertwined human story with a musical background that shaked the foundations of the Seattle scene.
Malfunkshun, the seminal band Andrew created with his brother Kevin and best friend Reagan Hagar was a family on its own. The show they performed in the early 80's was something entirely different, nothing like the punk rock bands you could see everywhere in Seattle in those days. Andrew Wood loved Kiss, and he wanted to portray his own version of the glamour a rock act could deliver, no matter the audience. That was Malfunkshun, that was the touch Andrew Wood's band had and it was a turning point. They started recording home tapes, touring the nearby areas and creating the myth of a nobodies band that could actually make it.
For reasons that went beyond the band members as a whole, Andy decided to call it quits to move into his next project which was initially just a side project with Stone Gossard & Jeff Ament (former Green River members) called Lords of the Wasteland, the seed for Mother Love Bone, the most prominent 1990 band from Seattle.
Landrew the Love Child.
Mother Love Bone.
Now, the drug abuse business is discussed from the professional point of view of Andy's therapist herself, plus the emotional interview of Andy's closest friends that state he never had respect when taking the hard drugs, so probably that is why he O.D. he never felt drugs could harm him. And I'm not a junkie, never was and never will but, I guess the reason Andy got into drugs was to escape from his disfunctional family, where there was an alcoholic father who beat the shit out of her wife in front of the kids. Andy's brother was an alcoholic for several years, his bandmates got into the drug experimentation business but knew their limits.
Andy's mom final statement should be taught in school, she says something like children are a golden gift that most of the times parents don't appreciate.
The interviews depicted include Andy's band mates Stone Gossard, Jeff Ament, Reagan Hagard, his brother, Greg Gilmore, living legend producer Jack Endino, Chris Cornell & Khim Thayil from Soundgarden.
The special effects used to cover the low quality of the source material makes quite a good job and about the music, well, obviously we listen to the most important lyrics Andy wrote in both Malfunkshun & Mother Love Bone.
Mother Love Bone and their love rock.
The box set design.
Andy Wood was a special character, he didn't have the dark rocker mind, he called his music as "love rock" and constantly represented goodness with those around him. He was gifted, humble and learnt at an early stage of his life that "love had to hurt" so his many relationships would follow the unfortunate pattern his parents taught him.
In the end of his life Andy had it all, a promising album "Apple" released by Columbia, an extensive touring project, a beautiful fiancee Xana La Fuente, and a family that was finally making up until everything crumbled with Andy's death. One of the many casualties of the Seattle scene.
Overall a documentary that not only deals with the stuff we all know about, you know the music, the story & the live performances (though most of them are rare videos). There is also the unique oportunity for us, the ones far from Andrew Wood's circle, to actually get to know his childhood, family, dreams, hobbies and drug abuse from the inside. The official release is a deluxe digipack consisting of the DVD documentary, the one and only Malfunkshun album "Return to Olympus" plus two bonus tracks, and Andrew Wood's unfinished solo project "Melodies & Dreams" featuring rare music, demos, instrumentals, rehersals and some pre-Mother Love Bone era radio interviews.
Mother Love Bone.
A must for the ones who liked to listen to Malfunkshun & Mother Love Bone, and also a must for those in love with the Seattle scene music.
Today I'll write about one of my favorite movies of all times, though it is not an exploitation movie, it is a timeless piece that has aged like the finest Chilean wine. This movie is made for those who share & had a strong friendship with a few of the good old fellows from your home town. It has the spirit of every friend you had. The tough, the fat, the brave and the shy guy, they're all in here. They just don't even make friendship the way it used to be, where a mere fieldtrip could be a fantastic adventure looking for hidden treasures, sharing stories and mostly being ourselves despite the consume campaign media is forcing us to fit into.
Our friends, everyone's friends.
Stand By Me, a master piece on all its angles its brilliantly directed by Rob Reiner, and based on Stephen King's short novel "The Body". Oh yeah! let's not forget the four main characters played amazingly by Will Weathon, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman & Jerry O'Connell, and I mean these were kids acting, and they blew many old farts asses just in the opening sequences of the movie.
If nostalgia is your thing, this is your movie. No iPhones, no laptops, no internet, no expensive toys, no nothing at all, just four friends looking for the time of their lives. God, I still remember the thousands of adventures I had in my dad's Lot, the many other adventures we had in the park near our house, and boy I don't wanna get personal but this film is just made to define everlasting friendship.
We're on our way.
So, rumour has it, that a dead body is somewhere near the little town of our four pals, so as soon as they hear about it, they set their minds to finding the dead body at any cost. They tell white lies to their parents and hit the road by walking through the railroad to finally find the body near a lake or river ( I don't exactly remember it) but, the walk will not come easy, in fact they will have to face each other's inner fears & demons to accomplish their mission.
I gotta be honest, these are some of the best characters I have ever seen on film, we start with Gordy. Gordy is an intelligent writer who lost his big brother, his idol, in a car crash recently and can't get any love or respect from his father and it's obvious that he gets it from his friends. That's what keeps him going. Chris is the leader of the gang and Gordy's best friend, he comes from a very bad family and is dubbed the bad seed everywhere, he's the kid who you knew in school and just knew he'd turn out bad, but there's a deeper side to him. The speech that River Phoenix turned out for Chris was so beautifully dilvered as a child who's been disappointed so many times by an adult.
We're the misfits.
Teddy is another bad kid sort of speak, he has a bad home life where his father is crazy and nearly killed him a few times. He has a quick temper, but you can tell that his friends keep him down to Earth and help him through the worst times. Then there's Vern, the funny fat kid who is pretty much scarred of everything, and in some ways is the 4th wheel. Still, Vern you can tell is a great friend and the other's appreciate him despite how he can hold them back.
They carry good toys.
The problem is that there are four scumbags also looking for the dead body, and yeah these scumbags are bad tempered. Led by Ace Merrill (played by Kiefer Sutherland) so, eventually at one point in the film the scumbags will meet our pals, and the outcome is a lesson about how friendship, and I mean true friendship can prevail over anything.
Scumbags are brave when in packs only.
Fuck you fucking fuck, the body is ours.
Overall, a movie I recommend to everyone around the globe, you see we all were kids, and we all had the greatest friends. Now, being an adult I sorely miss those days, don't you?
It's Cliché movie time at Spam Alternative! We all know that in the 80's there were thousands of B movies depicting the sexual affairs of teenage horny boys & girls, but, did you know there were some exceptions to the rule? Like, my movie will go against the sexual thing and will make virginity prevail? well, you better believe it buddies.
The Virgin Queen of Saint Francis High is a 1987 Canadian film that features the same stuff you could find in every 80's teenage exploitation flick, adding barely one ingredient that somehow, just somehow would make the film feel a little fresher in comparison with the neverending list but, you know low budget, lame scripts & no sex or at least T & A is no good if you wanna make your way into the movie business. So, let's look at the bad elements of the film, and then we'll try to find a reason to make this movie worth watching.
Oh, please No sex.
I can only suck icecreams, what do you mean with suck my cock?
First, the 80's pop music fucking sucks! I mean, if there were thousands of famous pop bands/artists playing the lip synch shit and being famous imagine how bad it is not having any famous artist/band to support your soundtrack leaving you with no option but to hire a bunch of wannabe pop stars that look and sound even worse than the original shit? Now, if you're ok with it, I think you can survive. Second the 80's fashion was another piece of shit from hell, awful hairdo, awful swimsuits, horrible wool sweaters and even worse sunglasses and fluorescent colors everywhere to make have an epilectic fit for good.
Third the acting, oh my god, the acting it's average, there's this little boy who plays quite an interesting role at helping our main character in his neverending race for scoring with the virgin queen. The rest of the cast sucks, some act like a piece of wood, some others act, I mean some of them overact their asses out.
I bet you can't cum on her fucking face.
Shit! it was just a wet dream!
Fourth, the characters are all so clichéd, there isn't a single character you haven't met before in this kind of movies. We have the main character who's a loser looking for the hardest to fuck girl in town, we have the antagonist who's the Mr. High minded popular ass, we have the girls that try to protect the main female role for the horny boys, shall I continue? please, say no!
Now, there are some good elements on this movie, believe it or not, and I'm not drunk typing.
The movie director Francesco Lucente, also wrote the entire script and I guess his idea was to teach a lesson to those asses who were actually trying to score as many girls as they could, just like in the movies they watched, so Mr. Lucente slaps in the face the horny boys by telling them "love matters ,sex is a part of it, but this isn't your average T & A movie so go wank somewhere else" And that's the only good thing about it if you want to see some refreshing 80's teen movie.
No, no vaginal sex nor anal!
I told you, I don't suck dicks.
A simple story, two guys make a bet. One is supposed to fuck the virgin queen, and the other of course, wants to keep the money by asuming fucking a girl like that is barely impossible. As the story develops our buddy Mike, starts falling in love with Diane, complicating the story a bit...
An orgy? are you out of your mind?
I had no idea your cum was so tasty, I want more from now on.
Overall I would give this flick 4 stars out of 10, just because it tries to present a different approach in the world of 80's teen exploitation flicks. Being honest, we don't give a fucking shit about virginity stories, if we like exploitation is just because we want to see sex, nudity and a barely sustainable plot.
No movie trailer, but still you can watch the entire film in Hulu or Bing.
