Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

The greatest rock and roll picture of all times.

When you read "The greatest motion picture of all time" you're reading a true fact. Probably Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny is the ultimate rock and roll movie, period. If you happen to be one of the few human beings left on earth that have not a clue of who Tenacious D are, I will give you a hand with a little explanation. Tenacious D is a comedy duet built around the fictional lives of two failed musicians. Jack Black & Kyle Gass are the names behind the creative force. Their show was so popular that eventually it was released on DVD and their songs where released in their first CD album. From actors  to comedians to real rock and rollers they had to have their own movie!

Tenacious D, in the Pick of Destiny is a 2006 epic movie directed by Liam Lynch and starred by, of course, Jack Black as JB and Kyle Gass as KG. The story has it, JB was a little boy who always wanted to become a rock star, but his christian family didn't let him rock, cause rock was satan's work, so little JB gets pissed and decides to compose the opening sequence song, that pretty much sums up his whole story in the town of Kickapoo. Once he makes his way into Hollywood (with  inspiration sung from Dio in a poster) JB turns into an adult and meets by chance another rock and roll dreamer, KG, an apparent rock veteran who had the life rock could afford, so JB eventually becomes his aprentice. However things aren't as easy as they seem, so JB finds out KG is nothing but a big fat loser, just like him. Here is where the film has its craziest turn, when they find out every legendary rock band has played their songs with "the pick of destiny" a pick that was built from a Satan's horn piece. It is believed the pick has special powers that allow musicians to become huge stars larger than life. The problem is, no one knows for sure the location of such pick. 

"in the city of fallen angels, where the ocean meets the sand"

"Two kings"

"My voice is fuckin' powerful"

I won't spoil it to you guys, I'd rather seeing you watching the movie by yourselves cause it's such a trip. However, I will highlight the elements that  make this film, the definitive experience for rock and rollers. The script is written around  every rock and roll fan's dream: becoming a huge rock star. Obviously, as most of the rock music fandom around the world, they don't make it, they try, but they never make it. The constant failure of  JB & KG is nothing but a smart parody of what really happens in the misleading road of fame, and only real rock music fans could write such an amazing script (Jack Black, Kyle Gass & Liam Lynch wrote the magnificent script all by themselves)  Another great element is how reality is mixed with every rock and roll cliché you can think of: stardom, ego, sex, break ups, satan, songs & satan again. The movie has a couple of very interesting scenes were real life rock stars do their part. Dio, the legendary Dio plays himself and even sings some lines in "Kickapoo" while, David Grohl plays the almighty Satan, perhaps the biggest rocker of all times in the world of rock clichés. 

"the pick of destiny"

"I'm the devil I can do what I want"

The soundtrack is another amazing element. Played in its entirety by the Tenacious D duet, the songs are pure rock and the soundtrack CD is definitely worth the buy. Jack Black does sing & play the guitar, and so does Kyle Gass  play the guitar & sing too. The songs feature David Grohl playing drums, playing the electric guitar and of course singing as Satan. What else? oh, yeah, the fictional story about the pick of destiny is very entertaining and as a whole, the film storyline is told in fast motion with the funniest gags you can think of. Also, the rock history references will entertain those who love the music genre. For instance, the rock and roll hall of fame scene is just epic, and if you wanna laugh your ass out, the scene where our guys dream of having the pick of destiny is pure motherfuckin' hilarious entertainment of the best kind.   

 Overall, a movie for rock music fans and fans of the entertainment only Jack Black can deliver.

Here's the cool movie trailer:

Natural Born Killers

Masterpiece.

1994 was huge in terms of intense film making. If a few days ago we were talking about Pulp Fiction, now it's time to talk about its sister movie, Natural Born Killers, AKA Asesinos por Naturaleza. Oliver Stone is not usually my cup of tea but I do like a couple of his works (Doors & Natural Born Killers) It has been said before that his movies tend to be a little on esteroids, taking the storylines and plots into an oversized reality I for one quite enjoy. After viewing this film many, many times since I first saw it at my cousins on a movies weekend back then in 1995 I came to the conclusion that this film needed to be revisited like mad. Renting it several times to made VHS tape copies to spread the disease seemed like a good idea at the time. However,  at first I did not understand it (the metaphors and such) but having viewed it countless times with my friends back then helped them and I get a better understanding of this truly remarkable film.

Critics over the years have panned this film as a 'glorification of meaningless violence', when in fact the film itself is basically the media frenzy we are compelled to consume everyday through the idiot box, so turning the paranoia of a nation into satire and then deconstructing it in the best way possible is no coincidence at all. Everybody who is reading this review right now has probably seen the film anyway so I won't reiterate the plot, but what I will do is try and help explain the concept of the film since it's quite obvious that there are a few people out there who don't understand this film.

a product of a broken home.

Parents, raise your kids good, please!

"Maybe I should quit journalism and turn myself into an armored hero"

The 90's - A decade after the Reagan years and a time for the next generation to settle down and basque in the trails of excess that the previous decade left behind. What are we left with in Western Civilization? Media sensationalism and the counter-culture of people who watch car crashes.

Oliver Stone very much plays on the idea of 'serial-killer-turns-media-story-turns-pop-icon' which has been quite evident in the cases of people such as Charles Manson and Richard Ramirez (I won't mention any US president here to avoid myself being considered a terrorist just for stating the truth) What Oliver Stone manages to do is portray the negative in the 90's, particularly American pseudo-culture in the 90's. You have Rodney King, O.J Simpson, Tonya Harding, Waco, The Menendez Brothers... and all these things are linked by a single medium, 90's television. The sensationalism of the media saturates most of Western Civilization today, and we live in a world where it's more important to see celebrities on the front of magazines or right-wing televangelists telling us that we need to give them money than it is to focus on the real issues that exist in this world.

'Natural Born Killers' relates to this. What 'Natural Born Killers' plays on is the question - 'why did we, the people, turn on to CNN and watch a white bronco cruising through the streets of Los Angeles one day in 1994?'. In turn, 'Natural Born Killers' plays on the culture-question - 'why do people stop to see car crashes?'. It also asks the question - 'Is that guy on television crazy because he's killed 90+ people or am I crazy for watching a white bronco cruise through the streets of Los Angeles?'. So there are 3 questions that 'Natural Born Killers' raises without a lot of people really understanding them. What the film does - instead of answering these questions - is let the viewer decide for himself or herself whether the serial killer on television is crazy for killing people or we are crazy for actually watching a serial killer talk on television.

Media means Satan.

I just need some love people.

Tommy Lee Jones is a nice addition to the film.

So why do the critics despise this film? The critics despise this film because what they see on the film is themselves in Wayne Gale. Robert Downey Jr accurately portrays the absolute false hysteria and false machismo of tabloid figures such as Geraldo Riviera and Oprah Windfrey et al, in his characterisation of Wayne Gale. He plays the archetypal media figurehead that lives in newsrooms, talking into mobile phones, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, watching television and living deceitful private lives. Another reason why the critics hate this film is because of the subversive message that it portrays in the script. The writers grew up in the 50's and 60's when the paranoia of Cold War was still in their faces everywhere they went. After the Cold War was over these same people started asking themselves, "well, who is the enemy now?". Some of them started realising that the enemy wasn't 10,000 miles away hiding in a mountain, the problem was not attached to a very large metal object that goes 'boom!', but rather the fact that the real enemy is in the corporations and media, the real power of a nation doesn't rely in the leader but the television. 'Natural Born Killers' subversively explains this, that THEY are the problem, and many members of the mainstream media didn't like because they were what the film was about.

Violence sells.

"Please, you know we love you"

Why do the general public despise this film? Because the same people who hate this film are the same people who the film-makers were laughing at when they made it. When the character of Mickey is on the television giving his interview, and the film cuts to a simple black and white image from a stock house of a typical American family sitting around the television, the same people who hate this film are the typical American family sitting around watching the interview, glued to the television like mindless zombies.

Overall - this film is brilliant and it tells it exactly how it is.Instead of praising violence the movie lesson is "fuck violence and all those fuckers who like to sell violence to ensure their pockets with plenty of dirty money"

Here's the cool movie trailer, and make sure you listen to its amazing soundtrack:

The Dukes of Hazzard, the movie

the General Lee is back.

It is not very usual that I spend some time talking about remake films, because I have a strong anti-remake policy that constantly reminds of the many reasons the original film will always be the definitive source. But what happens if movie makers set their minds into turning old school TV series into real movies? Well, I just can't help it to have a say on that issue. the 2000's have been bad years for movie making, hundreds of remakes have spawned the movie theaters from Tokyo to Santiago. Horror flicks, action flicks, TV series flicks, and a whole list of remakes revealed to movie makers the ultimate truth: remakes sell despite being a piece of shit, cause connoisseurs will buy the ticket just to see their precious memories brought back to life one more time, no matter if the those memories are either magically reactivated or brutally torn to pieces.

Only the general Lee can afford such gals.

Daisy, Luke & Duke. Kissing cousins?

Daisy and Cooter.

In 2005 a guy who I didn't know who the fuck he was, set his mind into bringing  back to life the good old boys adventures from the TV. Yep, The Dukes of Hazzard, probably one of the most influential TV series of all times. The good old boys share one of the most loyal fandom the TV series world has ever met. Each year thousands of General Lee worshippers gather together to pay tribute to the most popular car of all times, Dodge Charger 69 R/T, AKA the General Lee. So yeah, maybe this unknown movie maker Mr. Jay Chandrasekhar did build a film that would make both the new fans and the old fans enjoy the ride one more time.

I for one wouldn't consider this movie a complete failure, because The Dukes of Hazzard original TV series did have its flaws and yet everyone followed it for seven seasons of constant script repetion over and over again. So, the film itself does pay homage to the original source, we have the narrator with that country guy voice, the Boar's nest is there too. Daisy Duke's white jeep is there too, and of course the General Lee is there too. The characters did suffer some minor updates that can be a bit upsetting for purists like Me. Johnny Knoxville plays cousin Luke Duke and Sean William Scott plays Bo Duke. Knoxville plays his part as if he was still inside the Jackass show, so he really doesn't resemble the original more serious driven Luke Duke. Besides he's very fond of women (aren't we all?) up to the point of looking like a horny living thing looking for the good shag wherever he goes (luckily he gets each woman he wants) While on the other hand Bo Luke is more like the shy guy, though he still likes to be a jackass prankster. Uncle Jessie, the wise old man is played magnificently by the world famous country musician Willie Nelson, however he likes to tell lame jokes and use a language the original uncle Jessie would have never thought of. Daisy Duke, oh dear oh dear, there is just no Daisy Duke like Catherin Bach, period! However, Pop star Jessica Simpson plays her part quite well, but her body isn't a shade hot compared to the original female myth. Boss Hog gets a really good update, played masterfuly by Burt Reynolds, he is really a mean guy as  he was always meant to be. Rosco is tougher too, and Enos is the same old shy Enos. Oh yeah! I forgot Cooter who's just like the old days.

the main character runs on a V8 heart.

Willie Nelson.

Boss Hogg.

The storyline involves a hidden plan Boss Hogg has to retrieve some land to build a coal mine. Hogg has the facade of the annual Hazzard rally to distract the citizens, avoiding them to get too interested in the real thing. 

Overall, the film is very entertaining and can be considered a quite good movie, but if you're looking to find a 100% accurate homage movie, definitel you will be dissapointed as I was at first watch. Once I gave it more time I found it to be very entertaining. Now how about the made for TV sequel The Dukes of Hazzard, The Beginning? well, that is a completely different story, though it has plenty of nudity hahaha.

Daisy Duke Shorts, a landmark.

Daisy Duke's pink.

Jessica Simpson sure can't sing, but definitely she can sedude Enos.

Here's the movie trailer, and look for the "never before seen" edition that adds an extra 30 minutes bunch of scenes.

And as a bonus track the movie theme sung by Jessica Simpson herself:

Do or Die

The classic do or die game.

Andy Sidaris the late 80's and  90's definitive sexploitation film maker makes it once again with Do or Die, an action packed adventure with plenty of explosions, martial arts and tits & ass! This movie is so bad it is good. Andy Sidaris never made a movie with the characteristics of a master piece, he did his own sexploitation master pieces with his own rules, the same actors, the same setting and almost the same scripts for each of his 12 girls, guns and g-strings movies.

Ok, how about this for starters? For no reason you can figure out, you're on Hawaii (Molokai for the tenth time) and you're at an outdoor party for a children's charity. Someone out of nowhere approaches two girls sitting at this party to tell them there is someone waiting for them outside. It is Pat Morita. He has his back to them. He tells them he knows they are high-level operatives for the US govt and that they are responsible for ruining his business, and now he intends to kill them, but he's going to make a game out of it, and the game will start tomorrow.

With no further ado the two girls run off, pack their bags, get into some kind of trendy vehicle, and make it for the airport. They're not running from Pat Morita; they have never said if they know who he is; they're playing his game without question.

My name is Kane and I came here to kill centerfolds who won't suck my dick.

Super agents are made like this.

Pat Morita is a pimp!

The romp continues, through, among other places, a sandy airfield where so-called 'QSA' model airplanes are flown for an audience. Note that this demonstration has absolutely nothing to do with the story or the characters in it - it's just there, and then suddenly it's gone.

Every so often you cut to a new scene with a couple of po' white trash out of nowhere who are sitting around wherever they may be doing whatever they might be doing, and somewhere they have a small black plastic box with a short antenna and two coloured lights on top, one red and one green. And then the green one will start blinking and one of the characters will say 'they're almost here!' and that's it. How are these two girls being tracked? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? The girls fly from Hawaii to the continental US, through Las Vegas, and then for no good reason end up the final 45 minutes of the movie around Shreveport Louisiana.

Don't be confused by her awesome ass and great tits, she's a serious top hitwoman!

Tits are the lead characters in Andy Sidaris films.

Sex by the fireplace, a true classic.

fucking hard!

It's brilliant. It's so bad it's good. This movie should be used in university film classes as a cookbook of how not to make a movie. And it is probably being used for those purposes already. Every scene where Estrada blows somebody up has to end with fifteen seconds on his white toothy grin - it's too much. And there is a classic scene where Estrada kills a bad guy with baseballs. But perhaps one of the worst is when Estrada is having sex with the odd girl out in a swimming pool somewhere. Suddenly she starts ripping her hair back and fro, and of course there is a strong back light on her, and this creates a spectacular visual effect, but what does this have to do with the story or the characters? It's so bad you will laugh. And then after that, Estrada grabs the girl up in his arms, and the girl twists so her feet are away from the camera so she can make more fabulous visual effects by kicking her feet into the surface of the water. You get the picture. Get the movie.

I won't tell you how the good guys finally discover how the bad guys have been tracking them across the planet for the past hour and a half, but it has something to do with a 'laser microchip.' And not once in those ninety minutes did anyone wonder how they were being tracked. This movie has the worst screenplay ever written. It is one of the worst, perhaps the worst, movie ever made.

Pat Morita fucks her girl good.

it's weird to have a pornstar casted and not letting her do her thing.

Skinnemax.

There are those who say this is 'soft porn' or basically 'T&A', but don't believe them. There's as much real sex in this movie as there is in Donald Duck. Rent the movie, see it, because you know you are going to be in for a treat - a movie so bad it is good. 

Here's the movie trailer:

Guns

...and now available on DVD.

A long long time ago I said I would post reviews for the entire Andy Sidaris girls, guns and G-strings films. Some of the have already been reviewed but still I have plenty of them left for reviewing, like today's entry 1990's Guns. Now, if you still happen to be one of the very few connoisseurs that haven't yet had the chance of watching one of the Andy Sidaris movies, I'll introduce you to all of them in a brief explanation. Mr. Sidaris specializes in delivering entertaining films based mostly on secret agents, contraband and plenty of explosive action led by the hottest centerfolds money can buy, so yeah, big boobs, perfect round asses and  a lote of nude gals complete Andy Sidaris recipe. A recipe that lasted 12 succesful movies from 1985 up to 1998. His movies were all recently re-released in 2011 by Millcreek Entertainment on a 3 DVD pack called "Girls, Guns and G-Strings" that is available for quite a  decent price. 

Guns, follows the steps of a Hawaii based mexican gun dealer who sells chinese weapons to the southamerican guerilla. It just so happens that this guy Juan Degas, AKA Jack of Diamonds (played by star Eric Estrada)  has some unfinished business with a lady in Molokai, so after he hires a couple of hitmen to get rid of her, shit happens and all of a sudden secret agents are following his steps wherever he goes. 

Las Vegas singing lady.

Donna Speir once more.

She sure rocks with guns.

Once again writer/director Andy Sidaris works his usual entertainingly kitschy magic with his customary winning blend of lovely ladies who bare their tasty wares with pleasing regularity, an amusingly goofy sense of self-mocking humor, big splashy explosions, several ineptly staged action set pieces, a good amount of bloody violence, a constant snappy pace, and gorgeous globe-trotting locations which give this picture an impressively expansive feeling of scope. Of course, the standard bevy of hot babes helps a lot: busty blonde Dona Speir as the feisty Donna Hamilton, yummy brunette Roberta Vasquez as the sultry Nicole Justin, scorching Cynthia Brimhall as foxy singer Edy Stark, ravishing Devin De Vasquez as Juan's sexy, yet lethal moll Cash, and adorable Kym Malin as sassy wrestler Kym. Moreover, Phyllis Davis delivers a lively performance as Donna's hard-nosed district attorney mother Kathryn Hamilton, Danny Trejo(yes, Machete!) does well as Juan's smooth henchman Tong, and Chuck McCann contributes a funny turn as impish magician Abe. As an added plus, the divine Ms. Brimhall belts out a couple of cool 90's pop songs (the titular tune in particular is a real boot) and two bumbling transvestite hit men supply gut-busting comic relief. Hward Wexler's slick cinematography gives this movie an attractive bright look. Richard Lyons' bouncy synthesizer score hits the stirring spot. An enormously fun flick as opposed as many other reviewers has stated in several movie sites. 

Juan Degas, AKA Joaquín de Diamantes.

it's a men's job.

Danny Trejo.

Overall, Guns is perhaps one of the most entertaining films Sidaris delivered. It does have some sexploitation scenes, only this time they feel more moderate if compared to his past attempts. The score has a 90's B movie vibe all over that suits the storytelling quite well. Also, the landscapes Hawaii provides, give the film a sense of continuity, as if all of Sidaris movies happened in the same universe, and in a way that is kind of correct, cause most of the characters seen on his films either, appear in several movies or their names are quoted as if they were really part of the action. Somehow, that is quite an interesting element that adds a sense of "welcome to the Sidaris universe"  The acting isn't that bad either, since Sidaris hires the same centerfolds for most of his films, they kind of learned how to act in the proper way. The special effects are quite good, the explosions are very real, and most of the shootings(mostly done with silencers to make it sound clean) are also quite realistic. I believe this is one of my favorite Andy Sidaris films, as it has quite a decent plot,  and plenty of fast action. go watch it now kiddo.

Motorcycle sex, you should try it sometime.

Boobs.

Girl fight!

This is what secret agents are made of.

Here's the movie trailer:

 And as a bonus an interesting Andy Sidaris interview about Guns:

Pulp Fiction

One of the most popular movie posters of the film making industry.

Now is the time to face my destiny and review my favorite movie of all times. It'll be hard as hell to be as concrete as a diehard fan can be when it comes to evaluating a gem as Pulp Fiction is, in fact just like a movie line states "I'll try not to start sucking Pulp Fiction's dick so early" How can I start this entry by not saying Pulp Fiction is definitely one of the top ten most influential movies of all times? Quentin Tarantino changed the world in 1994. His film infected every corner of human activity changing our pop culture forever. Very few movies have achieved so much in the history of our miserable planet. One thing is to say there is a great movie, and another completely different thing is to say there is a movie that changed our culture. If Pulp Fiction was an album, definitely it would be the Nirvana's Nevermind equivalent. And just as Nirvana did change the world of music and young culture forever, Tarantino played his part as it was meant to be: naturally. There were movies before Pulp Fiction, and there was a whole new world of film making after Tarantino's tour de force arrived.

Instead of discussing the storyline and plot as I use to do, this time I will only be discussing why this movie is a must watch for every concerned human being in the world. Ok, I'm ready, are you?

Quentin Tarantino, the man.

Stars.

How the world was before Pulp Fiction.

The movie industry had long suffered the awful 80's style sickness and in the early 90's Hollywood protégées led the road with very decaffeinated films that didn't bring any news for us, the concerned fans. In those days talking about B-Movies and the exploitation genre was something in which very few people could have a say. Blockbuster wouldn't bother to add these bizarre genres to its stores, so it was very difficult to get your hands into a tasty VHS copy of an unworthy low budget movie. 

On the hand of culture, back then, nobody gave a shit about the good old days, vintage, AKA retro vibes were just words elder people would care to talk about and vynils LPs have long been replaced by tapes & CDs. Everything considered old enough wasn't worth the try. Only a few people did care about restoring the past for future generations, but yeah they were underground, not mainstream. This lack of interest in vintage culture not only blasted into oblivion thousands of worth watching films, but it also took six feet under music records, comic books, novels, celebrations, clothes and a lot more of overlooked human culture items.

The music industry also sucked, with Grunge and alternative music being the only exceptions to an industry that became a parody of the 80's worst pop artists. 

Mia Wallace.

Vincent Vega & Jules Winfield.

How the world is now, thanks to Pulp Fiction.

1. Movie makers learn how to make good movies, with few resources but with plenty of brains spent in the writting  of amazing scripts.

2. The industry was not afraid anymore of awarding films that weren't the usual romantic shit they got used to.

3. Thousands of blasted into oblivion movies were made available to willing fans from around the globe.

4. The exploitation genre, and B movies of all sorts spawned a new generation of movie makers, movie fans and grew a rich culture based on enjoying low budget productions like never before.

5. Quentin Tarantino, didn't came alone. He brought his pal Robert Rodriguez to change the world of film making forever. They taught us to appreciate  scripts instead of big hollywood names and special effects.

6. A whole new breed of people who heart vintage music was born. Artists like Fiona Apple, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Adele, Lana del Rey are some examples just to name a few.

7. 70's Pop culture came back to life, and it lives today everywhere around the globe, you can see it in fashion, architecture, books, music, way of life, etc.

8. People who didn't know a shit about good movies (yes, I was one of those) did learn a good lesson they will not forget.

9. Obscure films are being re-released each year allowing us to discover and enjoy important traces of the film making culture.

10. The vintage love industry is back. Muscle cars, furniture, clothing, photography, videogames, toys, almost everything that dates back as far as the 60's is now available to everyone just because Tarantino displayed the vintage culture though his master piece.

11. Actors & actresses that were no longer considered as trendy models were given the room they always deserved in the world of flicks.

12. Movies scripts and plots were no longer based on unbelievable stories. They were more close to everyday issues, average people and dealt with reality more often.

13. Scripts didn't need to be that serious or "time line ordered" anymore.

14. all of the above! hahaha.

15. Unfortunately, starvation, child exploitation, religion, war and greed still exist. Tarantino didn't make it there.

I think I over did it, didn't I? well it's really hard to summarize how big a movie can be. 

Jack Rabbit slim's twist contest.

This dealer was supposed to be played by Kurt Cobain, but you know.

Harvey Keitel,  a real actor.

Let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.

Overall a movie that doesn't take its story too seriously, I mean how serious can the story of two low life thugs can be? how can you not laugh at the constant jokes the movie features? how can you not want to be next to Mia Wallace? how can you not repeat time after time the amazing lines the characters utter in each scene?

fuck! here's the movie trailer: