Machete Kills

The best 2013 film. Period!

I wouldn't usually start I review making some kind of silly personal statement about whatever concern my brain is busy with but, I am going to make an exception as there are several disturbances that I feel I have the right to address as the free world person I am:

1. Everyone's a critic these days.

Aren't you tired of the increasingly amount of Youtube channels where you can find a review for nearly everything that is reviewable in this world? Videogames? you got it, movies? you got it, lifestyle? you got it, etc? you also got it. 

Machete Kills, today's magnificent entry has been vulgarly underrated almost in every Youtube channel, film websites and blogs. Now, the difference between my coffee and their opinion is quite simple: I chose my coffee but, I didn't fucking choose your ignorant biased opinion.

La Chamaleon.

2. You're no artist, no writer, no poet, no thinker, you just have internet access!

Watching videos and reading about how a bad idea is to watch Machete Kills, seriously makes me wanna puke. Where in the world these "critics" did not understand that this is a film for fans of the exploitation cinema! You can't rate an exploitation film the same way you should rate a fucked up cheap trendy Hollywood piece of crap made for oscar awards cocksucking audiences. The exploitation gender is out of your league you momma's boys. However, I do admit I am not a professional critic myself. I just love movies just like you, and that is sufficient to start fighting the "official media of talentless critics" No, I am not biased, I am just saying that you can't review a film by just watching its trailer like most assholes do these days.

Now, let's get down to business

Machete & She back in the game.

Violent vixens.

It seems you just can't keep a good Mexican down. That goes for both Danny Trejo's character, Machete, and the Mexican film geek Jesus himself, Robert Rodriguez. Let me start by saying that this is one of the most ridiculous movies I've seen in my entire life, let alone in the last year. The concept itself is absurd, the action is something out of a B-action movie, and the characters play more as preposterous caricatures of established stereotypes than actual people. And I couldn't be more pleased with the results. This is easily the most fun I have had at the movie theater all year.

Machete Kills is the sequel to 2010's Machete. The latter was developed from a 'fake' trailer that preceded 2007's Grindhouse, a collaborative double feature consisting of Rodriguez's Planet Terror and Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. Using the character Machete from his Spy Kids series, Rodriguez made an amazing trailer for a grindhouse-esque film. When the trailer served to be immensely popular, he created the feature length. Now, three years later, we have the sequel to the movie that almost never was.

Machete don't smoke.

The greatest U.S.A. president of all times.

What we have here is one of the greatest parody films ever made. It's not a parody on the level of Airplane! or The Naked gun, but this movie is just downright hilarious. It has everything from references to current events (mainly the plight of the Hispanic people and their standing in America's 21st Century) to great quips about the actors' personal lives (Charlie Sheen's President Rathcock is a great spoof of his personal issues and his Martin Sheen's famous role of the president on West Wing) to lampoons of successful franchises. If anything, Machete Kills is the best James Bond satire since Austin Powers. And even with all of this, it somehow manages to hit harder with each joke. We never reach a point where the movie has spread itself too thin.

Robert Rodriguez is a genius. It's that simple. Somehow, more than any other filmmaker, he can spread a tiny budget as far as it can possibly go. He's known for this and has baffled studios for the better part of two decades when he makes amazing films on a paltry budget. Considering the scale of this movie (especially just in the cast), it's amazing that Machete Kills was made with $30 million. The secret is that Rodriguez knows exactly what he wants. He doesn't need to waste money on things he can get done for cheap. For example, the special effects in this film are on par with a SyFy channel movie, like Sharktopus. He knows you're not there to see Avatar level CGI. You want a ridiculous story filled with even more ridiculous characters doing EVEN MORE ridiculous things. This, I believe, is the key to Machete Kills' quality. Every bit of Rodriguez' money and time is put into the most important aspects of the film.

Good and bad mexican together.

Machete's nemesis likes Star Wars.

The cast in this film is exquisite. Let's just rattle off every big name in this movie:

Michelle Rodriguez, Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Charlie Sheen (or Carlos Estevez), Sofia Vergara, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lady GaGa, Antonia Banderas, Demian Bechir, Amber Heard, Vanessa Hudgens and last but not least Alexa Vega (or the girl from Spy Kids)

I could easily continue but let's just stop there. And the best part is, not one of these characters is a cameo. Sure, some of them take up just a fraction of the screen time, but each actor plays a memorable character that contributes something worthwhile to the story. That is a feat that needs to be recognized. Few directors could handle a cast this large and of this caliber, and still be able to make each one of them memorable.

Bad motherfucker.

The toughest heroine on screen.

Overall, Machete Kills, suffers from a case of "betterthantheprequelitis" which is of course a good thing. The story is not as predictable as connoisseurs might expect from a movie that is made in its entirety to pay tribute to not only the greatest clichés in the exploitation genre but also to some films that made it big (Star Wars for instance) There is an interesting plot twist by half of the movie where things are no longer about a predictable mexican cartel mafia and illegal migration issues in the U.S. Texan border. Mel Gibson, plays an excellent role delivering with quality a believable wacko capable of matching Machete's persona. I cannot stress this enough. Go see Machete Kills. Gather up your friends and prepare to get rowdy. This is the kind of movie that thrives on a reactive audience. And prepare to have a rip roarin' blast that will lead you straight to Machete Kills Again...In Space! Star Wars fans you'll be surprised!

Here's the rated R movie trailer and be sure to stick around as the forthcoming review will be about the remake of the girl you'd take to the prom if you had a taste for terror: Carrie!