Superman Returns

Homage returns!

Today in pop culture history many things happened. In 1982, at the age of 32, the greatest Rock and Roll drummer the world ever witnessed, Mister Jason AKA "Bonzo" Bonham, legendary drummer of Led Zeppelin,  died of a Vodka overdose. In addition, Christopher Reeve, the original Superman everyone still praise as the ultimate live action actor to portray DC's mightiest hero, would have turned 64 years old, that is, if he didn't die in 2004 after struggling with an infection. If you want to read the reviews we did of his Superman films, just click on his name and you'll be taken right away to them. Today's entry will be a homage to the man who made me believe a man could fly. I loved the Superman movies when I was a kid. I devoured every re-run TV had with them, I rented every VHS tape I could find at least once or twice a year. The impact his portrayal as the man of steel had over me, still stands strong within my persona. I even travel to other countries to purchase the movies when they came out on DVD!!

So, another man who was deeply touched by Christopher Reeve's unique take on Superman was Bryan Singer. Famous for The Usual Suspects & specially for his X-Men movies, the film maker quit directing a third X-Men movie in favor of pursuing the gargantuan task of bringing back to life the greatest superhero of all times. (Click on his name, and you'll be taken directly to our X-Men honest reviews)

Coming home after a 5 year space trip.

Some things have changed: Lois Lane is a mother now.

Superman Returns is a 2006 film that is best described as a "tribute movie" just like those tribute albums you can buy at Walmart's cheap baskets. The only purpose this film has, is to serve the legacy of the master minds that created the Superman cinematic universe in a time where superheroes where thought to be a kid's only entertainment source. The "master minds" I'm talking about are Richard Donner, Christopher Reeve & John Williams.  A creative triumvirate that has rarely been seen since then. Donner masterfully directed, Reeve put his heart in the acting department and obviously, Williams composed a score as legendary as his work with Star Wars. Every scene Singer conceived, was carefully tailored to fit the overall tone the first two Superman movies have. If you're a fan of the original films (who isn't?) you will easily identify every joke, dialog, look and action sequence that seems to be directly inspired by the original films.

Introductions set aside, Superman Returns would update our caped wonder to state of the art special effects promising a Superman we've never seen before. To make the tribute stronger, Singer hired composer John Ottman to update the iconic original score, paying instant homage to John Williams while brain washing our nostalgic brains with an opening sequence completely stolen from the original Superman film. Oh, sure, what about the new Superman? in order to follow the tradition that got the role to a then unknown Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh suited up delivering a fantastic performance that pays homage to both Clark Kent & Superman as they were originally envisioned and portrayed by Mr. Reeve. But wait, there's more! Kevin Spacek (a great actor I might add) delivers an astonishing Lex Luthor absolutely inspired by Gene Hackman's now legendary performance. Now, the question is, would you stand 152 minutes of homage scenes only the most hardcore Chris Reeve's Superman fans would understand? and as a bonus question, Can Bryan Singer make a good superhero film?

Super Cheesy romance.

The worst live action Lois Lane of all time.

First, let me just comment on what I liked about the movie. The special effects were fantastic (for a 2006 movie that is), and very rarely did I feel like I was watching a video game. Clearly, for people who watched the original films, the action scenes seen here are what everyone wanted to see Superman do in those seminal films. However, this isn't an action packed film, so while there are great action scenes, these are very few compared to the romance drama in which Superman Returns is wrapped.

I have innumerable complaints about the film, but four major complaints jump to mind. My first major complaint has to do with the incredible cheesiness of the "plot twist" (if you can call it that since most people probably saw it coming a mile away) where Lois's 5 year-old son turns out to be the super-powered child of Superman. When the crying super-child throws a piano at Lex's henchman to save his mother, I almost got up and left the theater. Singer could have made a much better Superman movie without resorting to cheap gimmicks like a seemingly fragile but latently super-powered illegitimate child. 

Clark Kent is back!

And so is this bald son of a bitch.

My next major complaint has to do with the fact that Superman lifts a continent made out of kryptonite up into outer space. It doesn't take comic book guy from the Simpsons to point out what's wrong with that. I don't know how many comic books Brian Singer has read, but when Superman is exposed to even a small amount of kryptonite he barely has the strength to stay on his feet. Whoever had the idea to have him fly a large island made out of his greatest weakness into space has no business being associated with any Superman-related projects ever again. The concept is as ridiculous as making a Dracula movie where the title character has a stake through his heart and still manages to fly a spaceship made out of garlic into the sun. Why not just have Superman eat kryptonite? He can eat it and then brush his teeth with it, and then go to sleep in kryptonite pajamas. That's not any more absurd then having him hoist a continent of kryptonite into space and then fall powerless through the atmosphere without burning up in re-entry or splattering all over central park when he hits the ground.

My third major complaint has to do with the fact that Singer slaps movie-goers across the face with religious symbolism the entire movie. I have to take issue with his characterization of Superman as the only son of a God-like Jor-el sent to Earth to be a savior. Jor-el wasn't all-wise, he was just a scientist. And he didn't send his son to earth to be a savior, he threw him in a rocket and hurriedly fired it into space because his planet was about to explode. I'll buy the Christ allegory if Bryan Singer can show me the part in the Bible where God sends Christ to Earth because Heaven was about to explode, and then radioactive pieces of Heaven become Christ's primary weakness. Furthermore, the "crucifixion" scene where Luthor stabs Superman in the side with a kryptonite "spear" just makes me want to slam my face into a brick until I'm too brain-dead to notice the brazenly obvious and inappropriate symbolism that will be tainting the man of steel for the foreseeable future. They might as well rename this movie "Superman Returns: the Passion of the Christ."

It smells like bald rats here.

Lex Luthor: a fucking back stabber!

And speaking of Luthor, my last major complaint has to do with Singer's depiction of Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor is a shrewd, cold-hearted business tycoon who is more apt to run for President (which he does in the comics) than try to destroy the world. The man wants money and power; he wants to be in charge, not wreck everything. Yet the Luthor we see in Superman Returns, as well as all the previous Superman movies, is a wacky theatrical dunce who comes up with zany schemes to destroy the world but, hey this is a tribute movie, so instead of going to the comic book source to deliver a more accurate villain, let's just settle for the idea of paying homage to every character that appeared in the original Superman movies.

Now, as the rest of the cast, uhm, well, Kate Bosworth delivers the worst lifeless Lois Lane celluloid has ever seen! she's a cold bitch who seems to be depressed all the time. Despite being way more beautiful than Margot Kidder (the original Lois Lane) I settle for Kidder's take on the character. By the way, where in the world is Kate Bosworth now? has her acting gotten any better? Oh yeah, she's taking pictures in bikini suits and also in the nude at home.

Not another blonde in bikini.

Why Superman doesn't love me?

James Marsdem (Cyclops in the X-Men movies) is also in the film as Lois Lane's fiancee Richard White and, well, that's pretty much what he does. his character is a cliched successful business man who is in love with the right girl, living the right life and bla bla bla. If Singer wasted him in his X-Men films, guess what? he tries too hard to compensate that here giving him a role nobody gives a fuck about.  There are other characters of course but, they're too expendable to deserve a mention in this honorable blog. By the way! there are also some very well crafted Marlon Brando scenes where he reprises his role as the original Jor-El.

Plot wise, Superman Returns is also, a tribute. Lex Luthor, who for reasons left unexplained, is free again, steals  Superman's fortress of solitude crystals to use their power to grow new land somewhere in the north Atlantic ocean. This resembles what happened in the original film where Luthor planned to bomb Saint Andrew's fall in order to be able of selling land he bought on the cheap. On the other hand there's the broken romance between Lois Lane & Superman who left one day to return after five years without kissing his girl goodbye. You see, Superman, wanted to use his Kryptonian space ship to travel into deep space to find surviving Kryptonians. Obviously, he failed and returned to earth only to find Lois Lane's been fucking a new man who can fly (airplanes that is) and she is also a mother of an enigmatic asthmatic boy. Lane also earned a Pulitzer prize for the "Why the World doesn't Need Superman" article.  

And it's gone.

Gosh I better rush to the Legends of Tomorrow casting!

Overall, Superman Returns as a tribute movie, works fairly nice. However, as a new Superman movie, it really doesn't offer much. Weak plot, weaker acting and an urgent & forced sense of nostalgia that isn't enough to keep the viewer entertained. The romance sub plot is cheesy and boring as fuck. The action scenes are good but there are very few of them in a two hour & a half movie.  I've said this before: Bryan Singer doesn't like comic books! he's never read a single one in his entire life! Take a look at the suit! the darker colors resemble the suit Superman wore in Superman III when he was exposed to red kryptonite and yet Singer claims Superman Returns takes place right after the events of Superman II, completely ignoring Superman III & Superman IV The Quest for Peace. Someone please tell this son of a bitch, to stop making , or should I say, raping comic book characters till the point they're barely recognizable by actual comic book fans. Fortunately, the sequel never happened and Singer quit the superhero business for a while. Zach Snyder's latest take on Superman is far superior, and I totally support and recommend watching Man of Steel & Batman V Superman. Comic book fans know better. Also, Brandon Routh has been doing pretty well on DC's Legends of Tomorrow as The Atom.

Here's the movie trailer:

And here's the "Honest Trailers" trailer of the film:

Stay tuned for more and eat your vegetables!