The (Not So) Incredible Hulk Movies

a Hulk of boredom.

Continuing with our current obsession, the Marvel cinematic universe, today's review will be about what we, and many more like to call one of the worst ideas Marvel Comics had: Live action films of The Hulk. Nevertheless, it is our job, if not our duty, to review films in the likes of The Hulk. 

I'm a complete idiot, who the heck is Hulk?

(David) Bruce Banner, a brilliant scientist with a cloudy past about his family, is involved in an accident in his laboratory causing him to become exposed to gamma radiation and Nanomeds (A tiny life-form that is supposed to heal wounds but has killed everything with which they have made contact). Confused and curious about his survival, Banner discovers that since the accident, whenever he becomes angry he transforms into a giant green monster destroying everything in sight in an act of fury. Bruce's mysterious past and the answer to why the radiation had this effect becomes revealed to him as his Birth Father David Banner intervenes with hopes to continue experimenting on him...

Eric Bana's talent was severely wasted in the film.

Angry Shrek.

Hulk (2003)

Ang Lee attempted a different approach in his direction in Hulk. The recipe for superhero comic book movie was not followed and for that, it failed in entertaining the mainstream audience. It is more off-beat, more difficult. The music score by Danny Elfman is much heavier than on the average Spider-Man film. The character is not a hero--nor is he a villain. It is a dark story of a pretty dark character. I believe that this is its essentially biggest problem: it is humourless to the core and when featuring a dark character like the Hulk, you need some serious light-hearted comic relief to counter it.

I barely even recalled the plot after having watched Hulk, but I remember that it was paper-thin. It's mostly Eric Bana as Bruce Banner coming to terms with his new green identity and the conflicts that this curse this brings. While Bana acts with more conviction and skill than any of the superhero actors (Tobey Maguire, Brandon Routh, even Christian Bale), he is only ever used for acting that varies between the extremes sad or confused in the film. It is not fair that this fantastically talented man is overshadowed by the alter ego of his character.

Dr. Banner sure knows how to pick up his girls.

The action scenes are also sub-par and rare. When they are attempted, Lee makes them too overblown to emphasize the sheer strength of the Hulk--and we have a green CGI monster in purple pants spiraling up in the sky--a Shrek on steroids. This may sound like the comic relief that was needed, but it isn't funny -- it's mostly bizarre. Some well-placed and traditional action scenes could and should have been included, in my opinion. It's not "selling out" so much as it's balancing the dark Hulk with light entertainment. If you make everything dark, then the character is not going to look dark or stand out.

And we're live!

I think you're kinda hot.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

This one definitely belongs on Failblog.

I seem to have the diametrically opposite opinion as some other commenters in here, in that where Ang Lee succeeded in actually creating characters for us to like, no such attempt is made in this movie, and thus we couldn't care less about the white, black, green and yellow characters on screen.

Apparently, the team here decided to totally ignore the previous installment of Hulk, both by changing the title from Hulk 2 to The Incredible Hulk, and by ignoring the story that precedes this installment. So, basically, we're starting from scratch. Let's see.

Dr. Banner's pussy.

"We must explain how the characters know each other, why they're supposedly in love, why they hate, etc., let's get that over with during the opening credits." Fail.

"If we cut the fundings for CGI effects, we'll have more money for marketing!" Fail.

"'Wroooarrara roowowoaraaa Wrrraaaahh' makes for good dialogue." Fail.

"The Hulk smashes things, so the point of the story must be to smash things." Fail.

Edward Norton does a great job but the ship's still sinking.

So ,your dad is a rocker.

And this last point is exactly why Ang Lee got it right. I can understand if some people who left their trailers and Oprah on the television would find it hard to have to endure in excess of an hour being fed plot and character construction before the Hulk finally gets around to throwing around tanks and soldiers, but that's exactly what's needed to make an over-sized angry Apache-smashing green guy become recognizable and worthy of empathy, and not just become a joke worthy of laughs. Which is what happens in this second Hulk movie.

Ang Lee's Hulk worked because of this, Spider-Man works because of this, Iron Man to some degree also, but this? This? This is just awful. You hate the characters on screen, each and every one of them, because they didn't earn your caring. I find myself commenting on Tyler's "Nooo!"s with, "Why don't you just shut up?!", and The Hulk's "Hulk smash!" with, "We knooow, why not try something else instead?" I'm sorry, but bad CGI and smashing stuff, including the army firing miniguns from choppers at residential buildings in downtown Manhattan (what's that about?) just doesn't make a good movie. It makes for audience disrespect. 

Hulk smash terrible sequel!

These films are an abomination!

Overall, The Hulk films are nothing but disappointing adaptations of a character that is way more complex on the inside than on the outside. What made The Incredible Hulk TV series so appealing to audiences was there was enough time for character development, the show was mostly about Dr. Banner and his human struggle, rather than depicting spectacular battle scenes with the green beast within.  The technological limitation the series had was definitely its major strength as it was a real challenge for writers & producers, a challenge that was greatly outdone while the show was fresh. On the other hand, the films relied heavily on the use and abuse of CGI in order to develop onion thin plot lines, failing miserably in the portrayal of a character that is more man than beast, and let's not discuss Comic Book accuracy because you wouldn't like me to get angry! 

Phenomena, Creepers

a Must watch in any good Halloween party.

Did you think we wouldn't review a horror flick on Halloween? Think again! Instead of praising vomits like Annabelle as well executed horror films, here at the SPAM Alternative headquarters we'll offer you a true horror film, not a shitty cock sucking bummer so, fasten your seatbelts for today's offering to Satan!

PHENOMENA ranks amongst Dario Argento's finest films. Some state that it is his best film, some do not, hence the neverending argument to whether today's review or SUSPIRIA or PROFONDO ROSSO are to be considered number one in the filmography of this great Italian master. 

Now, any connoisseur knows the difference between watching a European horror film and an American (rip-off) horror film. Dario Argento is perhaps, the king of the Giallo genre, and is definitely  the go to director if you are to introduce a friend to this brilliant perspective of what is making a horror film a good film that'll give you chillls from start to finish. Nevertheless, if you're a complete moron who's life is deeply based in stereotypes, I'm pretty sure your mental capacity is already too diminished to understand and enjoy the grandeure of a real good film. If that is your case, please leave this humble blog at once. 

Is he dead already?

Satan is in her eyes!

Needless to say, Dario Argento is a macabre master of technique, and with Phenomena he reuses a previous premise (many times has this plot happened with Argento with the young girl going to a boarding school of some sort with a murderer in the midst after the main girl), but with startling, uproarious but effective results. We should find some of this as amusing- a chimpanzee as a companion/servant to Scottish wheelchair bound emptamologist Donald Pleasance, and Jennifer Connelly's character, Jennifer, who can communicate and bring the wrath of swarms of insects- and I'm sure Argento, knowing what he's doing, recognizes the finer points of the insanity in his work. But he also turns up the screws in terms of the 'creep' factor (hence it's American re-edit dubbed Creepers), with sequences that edge on the self-conscious and the sublimely terrifying.

Simplistics of the plot, if there is one to speak: a young girl is sent to a boarding school while her famous father is off in the Philippines. She befriends a scientist who specializes in insects, and also in theories pertaining to a certain psychopath who may or may not be killing people in the dead of night- when young Jennifer is out sleepwalking! She's deemed crazy and meant to be taken to a mental hospital, but she has other plans up her sleeve, or up swarming in the air. There's a confident, fresh Connelly in the lead, as well as Pleasance who's always dependable as the prophetic veteran of this ilk (once or twice you wonder if he'll say "I shot him six times!") But it's what Argento puts his young lady through that makes or breaks Phenomena for the viewer. As with other films of his "classic" era like Opera and Suspiria, he doesn't tether himself to logic; it would only get in the way of his big ideas and abstractions, his visual of Jennifer looking down that white hallway, the little fly buzzing along with her, and of course the eventual lair of the killer.

My dear, we have a murder to catch.

I see dead bugs.

That lair, I should add, is the kind of place that, as Argento directs it, gets scarier as it goes along. Not the kind of scary where you always go BUMP in the night, but more where you suddenly get in a frame of mind, where the psychopath has the audience in a grip much like Jennifer. It's interesting to note a common stylistic trait we see here, which is a cliche to be sure, with the killer's POV as something characteristic of the material. It should be a big gag, but for Argento it's all part of the game he's weaving. While there aren't as many random things that happen as in Opera, and we don't get any kind of 'deep' murder mystery as in Deep Red, it's never too misleading. By the time Argento plunges us into that pit with the maggots we're squirming in our seats, and feeling an edge of exhilaration to wonder how the hell she (or another chap who happens to be in the room) will get out alive. But as if to seal the deal on making this a near-classic horror film, Argento does a crazy double-twist, one that had me raising eyebrows, laughing uncontrollably, and with a feeling that, as twisted as it's become, justice has been served.

Even with the 80's metal music not in cue to the scenes most of the time when they pop up (the Goblin music fares much better), and even with the lapses in judgment or the occasional poor acting turn, Phenomena should be something of a must-see for die-hards of Italian giallo, or just anyone wanting something a tinge 'different' in their slasher movie. And what makes a difference more than insects! 

Here's the movie trailer: