Best Friends

It's 1975 and friends are forever?

Continuing with movies I "own them a fair review" today we have a very interesting aproach into friendship, growing up, settling down & not wanting to quit partying hard. "Best Friends" AKA "Fatale Freundschaft" is a 1975 Crown International Pictures production directed by Noel Nossek and written by Doug Chapin & Arnold Somkin. However, the film has nothing to do with the exploitation/sexploitation genre, I believe it is more like a standard drama movie, although the film was back then categorized as a grindhouse and/or exploitation experience it really doesn't belong to such genre. Anyways, the film is being sold as if it was an exploitation movie by Milcreek Entertainment on their "32 Drive-In Cult Classics" DVD collection.  Now, just you don't get confused, the movie poster tag line says "she became the ravaged victim of a century of revenge" and in the background of the poster you find a group of indian american natives that kind of imply there will be a great battle among the natives and our main characters, but, no, the movie has nothing to do with the tag line and I believe that's the only exploitation trick film producers used to promote the movie.

Jessie & Pat to friends for life.

So, Best Friends is about Jessie (Richard Hatch) and Pat (Doug Chapin) have been friends since perhaps childhood. And they've done everything together. In the beginning we get a montage of pictures showing they've been through everything to the prom to the war. And this is how the movie gets it's edge. Jessie came home from Vietnam before Pat did, and it's pretty obvious the war has affected Pat, not Jessie. But, anyways, Jessie and his girlfriend Kathy (Susanne Benton) decide to drive to California to meet Pat when he gets off the airplane. See the thing is they want to take a cross country trip/vacation, and along comes Pat's estranged girlfriend Jo Ella (Ann Noland).

The movie starts off perfectly normal, when everyone see's each other again, it seems like this is going to be a fun road movie. But, soon tension starts to amount. Kathy is clingy to Jessie, and Pat is jealous. Plus, Kathy and Jessie has a much better, loving relationship, then Pat and Jo Ella. Pat is stilted and wants to enjoy life, Jo Ella wants to settle down and be married.

Kathy, willing to have anal sex once she's married.

Things get even more heated when Jo Ella makes a fool out of herself by taking her top off at an Indian bar and a fight emerges with the group. Pat wants to protect Jessie (who was hit) but Kathy won't let him. It seems like Pat is becoming more and more obsessed with getting Kathy completely out of the picture and having Jessie to himself.

Then, the film takes a hard left turn. Pat sits Jo Ella down and tells her he has no intention on marrying her. Her life is immediately shattered. He then lies to her and tells her Jessie has been interested in her all this time and she should try to sleep with him. And then another turn comes when Pat sees Kathy alone and tells her Jessie would be a horrible husband and would probably cheat on her.

Jo Ella, willing to have her mouth filled with cum, no matter single or married.

Jessie and Jo Ella sleep together, Pat tries to rape Kathy, and Jessie beats the holy hell out of Pat. This sets up the last half of the picture where Pat and Jessie try to regain their friendship, through what else, trying to find younger girls to have sex with.

In an ultimate turn of events in the movie (which I won't reveal for you loyal readers out there who will go see this), each one of the four's life are effected by the horrible tragedy that occurs at the end. It's a moment full of empathy, regret, and sadness. Pat ends the picture by saying "We've been together for so long.....we can have it all....." "Best Friends" was mismarketed as a grindhouse/drive-in film in 1974, so the company that released it decided to release it in theaters in early 1975, and I'm sure if it had the proper advertisement and some Academy members actually took the time to see it, it would have got some kind of Academy recognition.

The part of "Best Friends" that keeps coming up is, Ann Noland. She easily gives one of my favorite performances of all time as Jo Ella.

Winnebago sex.

70's stripper.

Jo Ella can be a stripper too!

Kathy likes to keep her body clean for her man.

Ann Noland's Jo Ella is multi-layered. She is seemingly happy and carefree, yet she worries about her future nearly every day. She stays "Best Friends" most interesting character. The scene right before her and Jessie have sex where she throws leaves on him and seems playful, then starts crying and says "We're not getting married..." She is heartbreaking! For it's mellow and tense atmosphere, hippie soundtrack, and surprisingly great acting, including Ann Noland's shattering Jo Ella, makes "Best Friends" one of the most interesting Drive-In films that are actually not just meant to be skipped until the ending while having some car sex.

Trip with the Teacher

Get ready to be blown away.

A couple of years ago I decided it was about time to turn my "complaing about everything blog" into something bigger, an exploitation paradise that would help the unaware become instant connoisseurs of a genre and an era worth remembering forever. Back then  I didn't know much about the genre so my opinions were mostly based upon other apparently renowned reviewers. Time went by and my earliest reviews didn't live up to the legendary name of the movies I reviewed, so there comes a time in a man's life where he has to redeem himself by paying homage to the greatest movies the way they were always meant to be paid homage. So, today I'll review once more "Trip with the Teacher" AKA "Deadly Field Trip", a 1975 Crown International Pictures production  written and directed by Earl Barton and starred by Brenda Fogarty (Miss Tenny, the teacher) and Zalman King (badass cold blooded murderer and rapist Al) The rest of the actors are more or less the supporting cast playing Miss Tenny's students and two extra bikers (one being Al's brother Peter, played magnificently by Robert Porter and the other being the good guy Jay)  The music score is also very groovy, definitely displaying what music was about in 1975 and if someone knows where can I find the complete score, please let me know 'cause Mr. Igo Kantor did an excellent job.

a Schoolbus full of teen meat.

Bikers, mean bikers.

So now let's get down to business and let me tell you about what the movie is about so that in case you haven't watched it yet, I'll give you a glimpse of it. Totally bonkers psycho Alan and his more mellow, but still quite lethal brother Peter are a pair of odious, malefic, resolutely vile and unwholesome degenerate biker louts who gleefully torment, terrorize, manhandle, degrade and generally flat-out grossly mistreat a prissy school teacher and her bus load of four nubile strumpet teenage girl students (Susie Russell, Cathy Worthington, Jill Voight and Dina Ousley, all sublimely delectable fair maidens who are just ripe with adolescent purity and ingenuousness) in a remote area of the California desert.

Hi, I'm Al and  I want to rape & murder your teenie slutty ass.

That's it for the admittedly skimpy plot and frankly who cares about some fancy-schmancy story, for what this really base and repulsive vintage 70's drive-in sleaze lacks in style and substance (plenty, man), it more than compensates for with a winning abundance of ferociously foul-minded hardcore grindhouse cinema sliminess. We've got blunt direction by Earl Barton, grainy cinematography by Erwin Jay Barer, and a get-down funky syncopated score by Igo Kantor. Moreover, we also got rape, gratuitous nudity, a thrilling motorcycle chase that's followed by an equally exciting foot chase, a truly mean misogynistic bent, a few fiercely protracted murder set pieces, a marvelously vicious last reel onslaught of mass killing and destruction, and absolutely no redeeming artistic quality to ground the assorted trashy activities in any slight semblance of unwanted pretense or needless gravity.

Al likes to hum a creepy song before & after his killing job is done.

Miss Tenny has no choice.

Best of all, it's considerably enlivened and made essential viewing by the incomparable Zalman King's frenzied, overwrought, explosively insane and unrestrained scenery-gulping histrionics. With his unsightly mass of curly, unwashed greasy hair, soiled dirt-stained blue jeans, irritating wheezing, deranged cackle, nasal, slurred mumble-grumble voice, enormous wrap-around black shades, fixed, unblinking baleful stare, crazed facial expressions (King contorts his sweaty puss into a hilariously pained grimace whenever he bags somebody), scraggly five day beard, getting wackier by the minute slow burn intensity, and hysterically out of it live-wire mugging, King could pass for either David Hess' severely dysfunctional sociopathic near twin brother or a twitchy heroin addict who's in dire need of an immediate fix. An exquisitely gnarly'n'nasty nugget. Besides, his relationship with his brother, Pete, is interesting as it seems that Pete goes along with the bad stuff simply to keep Al happy. He has moments when he seems to possibly change his ways, but always sticks with Al. This, despite that Al gives indications that he'd waste Pete too if Pete lets him down. The film doesn't go too far into their relationship which is too bad, it would have given the movie a little extra bit of interest.

One of the girls decide she can fuck one of the mean guys to set an escape plan.

The good guy has no chances left now.

"Trip with the Teacher" is a fantastic piece of early 70's sleaze that has a few lulls but for the most part, moves along nicely and is quite tense and suspenseful. The girls are all very pretty and sexy, having that classic "70's sexy high-schooler" look. The teacher is very sexy herself and looks like a 70's porno star. The guys do a good job, even the old man at the gas station who doesn't take Al's nonsense (he regrets it though!). However, the film, being a part of the 70's open mindedness does feature some disturbing scenes towards women treatment. One being the sexual assault against Miss Tenny, where we don't see any explicit sex/porn, but we actually some very violent acting that can disturb you easily, also, there's one killing scene where the visual violence toward women (again) reminds you the reasons why the exploitation genre was so disliked by women of all ages and why some filming rules have been applied since then to avoid any disturbing and/or schocking results. However, Trip with the Teacher looks like a Discover Kids toon compared to I Spit on Your Grave. You've been warned.

Trip with the Teacher's collage.

This is definitely a good viewing, but again, why is this film having such a low rating on big sites like IMDB? There are countless films much, much worse than this. Sleaze fans will not want to miss this one, made during an era when little film gems like this came and went, and were able to be made and put out in the first place. 

Here are some cool movie excerpts four your pleasure:

The Opening scene:

The Gas Station scene:

The catfight scene:

See you next time with more exploitation classics!

Enemy Gold

History never repeats, unless it's an Andy Sidaris film of course.

Andy Sidaris may not be considered as one of the most important film makers of its time, but he sure has made an impression in the world of film making with his 12 movie collection that made a genre on its own: girls, guns & g-strings. The problem with his films is that most of them are about the same story, sharing the same actors and gals, plus repeating over and over the Hawaiian settings and the explosion scenes, with a barely sustainable plot that's only there for letting the playboy girls and porn actresses get naked and/or get laid for a reason. At first it may seem like a very entertaining premise, but after watching 3 to 4 of the Sidaris films you feel overdosed and having a bad kick out of it. 

Having now watched 10 out of the 12 movies Andy Sidaris directed between 1987 and 1997 (not sure, maybe 1998) you left the theater very dissapointed and with plenty of questions, for instance, Why didn't he make porn movies instead? I mean, he had pornstars and he didn't use their full talent in any of his movies. Besides, I think, Sidaris had a very cynical point of view, cause he wanted to make some Benjamins by the mere fact of having playmates displaying their tits and asses all over, so where's the difference between the idea behind a porn movie and an erotic flick of this kind? I really don't know. In fact the porn industry has improved quite a lot since the early 90's adding storylines and consistent plots to not only go straight to the money shot scene, cause they don't want you to quit on porn, but I guess Sidaris made us want to quit on him, cause he didn't worry about the elements that make a movie, a worth watching movie and don't get me wrong, I don't want an Oscar winning script, just an entertaining film, which in the end is the whole reason for which movies are made: entertainment.

Tits in the lead role.

More boring softcore sex.

Twats, we want twats!

Anyways Enemy Gold is about a trio of suspended federal agents -- Chris Cannon (played by Bruce Penhall), his childhood pal Mark Austin (Mark Barriere), and spunky Becky Midnite (a winningly perky portrayal by the adorable Suzi Simpson) -- search for a hidden gold treasure while vacationing in the woods. Meanwhile, evil drug lord Santiago (pleasingly impersonated by Rodrigo Obregon) hires lethal assassin Jewel Panther (pornstar Julie Strain) to kill the agents so he can have the gold for himself. Andy's son Christian Drew Sidaris takes over as director here and proves to be a real chip off the ol' breezy'n'cheesy B-flick block: There's abundant yummy female nudity, an amusing sense of cheeky humor, scorching soft-core sex scenes, big splashy explosions, a constant snappy pace, and competently staged action set pieces. However you will find all of the above mentioned in every Andy Sidaris movie, so that doesn't seem to be too original anymore. However, the film does have a fair quota of entertainment if you're into this kind of films.

This shower nude scene has been seen in most of Sidaris films.

Boring.

Nice butts.

 Perhaps if you haven't watched any of the Andy Sidaris films you may find this worth watching, but if you have met your way with two or more Sidaris movies you already know what to expect, and believe me, even for  a B movie connoisseur his overplayed formula get to your nerves quite quickly. However, his movies are somehow relevant for they intend to bring back the room the good old sexploitation movies had in the 70's & 80's, but, that's it. You neither won't find award winning acting, nor award writing talents. If you wanna get bored watching tits & asses I bet you can go to the internet and watch plenty of porn to satisfy your boredom. Besides, you'll see real sex being performed in a thousand different ways on the many free online porn sites that now seem to plague the internet universe. 

Suzi Simpson, a fresh adition to the gals list.

Tai Collins, another newcomer.

I had two Andy Sidaris films left to review, but I'm pretty sure you'll find the info through the web. I'm through with Sidaris. There are hundreds of way more interesting sexploitations films out there. See you next time, as now I'm heading to theater for The Avengers 3D.

Here's the movie trailer:

Satanic Rites of Dracula

I heart italian exploitation posters.

 Today's entry will take us back in time as far as 1974 to witness one of the many b movies based around the prolific Bram Stoker's character count Dracula. Yes,  I said prolific, cause hundreds of b movies were made based on the character, just for the sake of cashing what the original films cashed. Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride, AKA, Satanic Rites of Dracula. 

"My revenge has spread over centuries and has just begun!"- Count Dracula.

The legendary Mr. Lee's last outing for dear old Hammer Studios in his red contact lenses and silk-lined cape. And what a sorry end to what was once one of the real jewels of British cinema, the Hammer horror franchise.

While there are one or two glimmers of the style and talent that put Hammer at the top of the tree in the 50s and 60s, this awkward hybrid of espionage thriller and supernatural horror never really gets off the ground. Lee has so little screen time he could probably sue the filmmakers under the Trade's Descriptions Act - "The Satanic Rites of a Bunch of Other People You Don't Give a Stuff About, not the Famous Vampire Count You Were Hoping For" might be a more accurate title.

A cool alternate movie poster.

Once I kill Dracula, I'll apply for a job in the death star.

I'm the count and that's all it counts!

What irks me about this film is not just that it represents a cheap, slipshod ending to the Hammer Dracula cycle, but that it's not even true to the spirit of those wonderful originals. What few thrills there are derive mostly from some motorcycle stunts and a bit of fashionable nudity. Lee might as well have phoned in his part, and poor old Peter Cushing, still reeling from the death of his beloved wife Helen, walks through what little action he's given like a refugee from Plague of the Zombies.

And as for the ending, well, there used to be a well-defined mythology in these movies, a vampiric rulebook that everybody abided by. Bram Stoker made most of it up in the first place, but once they'd put their spin on it, the Hammer boys generally stuck to it: garlic, stakes, holy water, silver bullets, running water, all that stuff we'd all rely on to dispatch the bloodsucking nobleman if he ever started licking his lips in our bedrooms. But suddenly, out of nowhere, there's this new lethal substance, something else that can do for a vampire - the King of the Vampires even. And what is it? A hawthorn tree. Yes, you heard right; Dracula, immortal, super-powerful, supreme monster that he is, curls up his pointy toe-nailed tootsies and shuffles off this mortal coil because he gets his cape caught in a bloody hawthorn tree. Ho hum. (Mind you, they can give you a nasty scratch can those hawthorn trees.)

I so want that round table for parties with friends! It'd rock!

Shit! My marshmallows are burnt now.

Is it true Dracula's cock is as big as a katana sword?

Clearly Hammer had seen the writing on the wall splattered there by Night of the Living Dead and The Exorcist, but although it tried, it simply couldn't adapt. The truth is that the classical Hammer ethos doesn't really translate to the modern idiom. The films were very much of their time, and the times, as Mr. Dylan so helpfully reminds us, they are a changin'.

So charge your glasses with the best of British blood, leave this one in the rental store and check out something from the golden era of Hammer. Contrary to one of the film's many misleading alternative titles, Dracula is not alive and well and living in London. He's dead. And Hammer buried him. 

Yes! nude sacrifices!

Could you cum on my face one last time before I'm sacrificed?

How do you like my wooden cock?

Vintage tits are the best ,aren't they?

Overall a good closing movie to a legendary saga of movies starred by Christopher Lee, who after getting sick of being a vampire would turn to the dark side to become Count Doku, AKA, Darth Tirannus in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. The film is an old fashioned horror movie, which means you have to wait for seeing the action scenes. Dialogues here are very important, and the whole mystery setting around most of the quiet scenes helps setting the right mood for when the action scenes are about to strike. 

Here's the movie trailer:

And, as this film is  public domain since a long while ago, you can watch it right here, with no SOPA fears:

Hunk

Exploitation for the ladies.

Today's entry will take a close look at what  I like to call "exploitation for the ladies" a very rare genre that takes the romance women like and mix it with a few studs, they for sure, will diddle their skiddles with. Hunk is a 1987 retelling of the proverbial Ugly Duckling tale, only with humans, rather than ducks, epitomizing 80's trends. The makers of Hunk certainly had their work cut out for them whilst making this groundbreaking film, since the affliction of insecurity usually only strikes females with glasses on film.

The story: Bradley invents a successful computer program about yuppies, goes to live in a dilapidated beach house in the California yuppie colony Sea Spray, and discovers that he is quite different from the others because he is a nerd. He has already sold his soul to the devil in order to make the successful computer program, and so, once he wishes to be a hunk, his wish is satisfied by the devil's handmaiden, O'Brien, on whom Bradley develops a crush. Bradley, now Hunk Golden, is unleashed on the unassuming folks of Sea Spray to cause an uproar with his utter hunkiness, which he plays up by wearing a sleeveless, unbuttoned button-up shirt accented by a tie. Nice.

Yes, your pussy wouldn't get wet with my face, I know.

Despite finding love with his psychologist, Sunny, Hunk Golden soon discovers that being a Hunk isn't all he dreamed it would be and so he embarks on a metaphysical battle with the devil, a.k.a. Dr. D. (played by the one and only, James Coco) for his soul. Will Hunk Golden remain a hunk in exchange for his mortal soul, or will he give up his status as a Hunk and live as Bradley Brinkman? 

I am Satan.

What a relief to finally see a funny, smart, yet insecure male nerd wish to be a brawny, tanned hunk, and to be ironically reminded that the inner beauty of the male can also be obscured by a repulsively unattractive exterior. And Bradley Brinkman didn't even have to wear glasses to represent a nerd, because they just had a different actor portray Hunk Golden.

What do you thin k about me now mama?

Pussy kneels before me!

If you are an insecure nerd, this movie will undoubtedly boost your self-esteem. If not, you'll get lots of laffs from the endless cheese. Highlights: O'Brien dancing at the nightclub, and Hunk's trendsetting style. And, if WWIII ever breaks out, I guess those of us who have watched Hunk will know who's REALLY responsible. 

Here's the transformation scene:

Weekend Pass

72 hours to...

 This isn't that good of a movie but it has a mysterious charm working for it that I can't quite put my finger on. I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the camaraderie of the four naive sailors.

This film focuses on four sailors fresh from boot camp who have a weekend pass in LA before they head their separate ways, various specialized schools. LA is the former haunt of Spencer and Bunker Hill (Chip McAllester) who have dames from their past they're eager to meet while nerd Lester has a phone number of his commander's niece and Fricker (D.W. Brown) has a spot lined up at a prestigious LA comedy club. They each have their missions but Lester's is the only one that proves fruitful, however, each sailor finds romance in the arms of a woman they weren't expecting.

STORY: (The story really is a letdown. It really isn't the story as much as the filler that hinders the viewing experience. The director gives FAR too much time to dance choreography, tossing in some lame mime shows, aerobics workouts and a spandex-clad dance climax. However, despite the emphasis on dancing, the love story of Bunker Hill and his aerobics instructor sustains interest as does Spencer's fling with college chum Hilary Shepard, who doesn't quite live up to his fantasy--she's too Hollywood for his tastes. Fricker's lead up to his comedy routine could have used some work as could Lester's set-up with the commander's niece (Graem McGavin).}

Los Angeles baby!

This guy can act.

a bad day for stand up comedy.

ACTING: For a 1980s comedy that featured a bunch of lesser names, the acting wasn't that bad. D.W. Brown and Chip McAllester shine. You'll feel for Brown's Fricker whose main ambition is to be a great standup comic but he just doesn't have it. His failure, however, leads to a romance with the cute Daureen Collodel, who, just like Fricker, was a bomb on the stage at the comedy club. McAllester is solid as Bunker Hill who returns to his old stomping grounds--and all black neighborhood--with his three white sailor chums. Some ethnic jokes ensue. Hilary Shepard gives a quality performance as Spencer's object of lust who cares for nothing but her own image. She gives the best line in the film when she agrees to bed Spencer but only under her rules--mechanical appliance necessary. She tells Spencers that conventional sex went out with bell bottom pants. Graem McGavin gives a sensitive performance as the sheepish girl that Lester dates.

average 80's nudity.

Pole dancer.

Asian massage.

Too much of a woman for such a naive dude.

there ain't nothing like a bath tube.

NUDITY: There are your typical strip club nude scenes supplied by "actresses" early in the film as the sailors first destination is eats and titillation. Later on Hilary "The Body" Shepard disrobes for a bath but gets rebuked by Spencer. Buxom little Graem McGavin isn't as obliging in this film as she was in MY TUTOR. 

Here's the movie trailer: