Enemy Gold

History never repeats, unless it's an Andy Sidaris film of course.

Andy Sidaris may not be considered as one of the most important film makers of its time, but he sure has made an impression in the world of film making with his 12 movie collection that made a genre on its own: girls, guns & g-strings. The problem with his films is that most of them are about the same story, sharing the same actors and gals, plus repeating over and over the Hawaiian settings and the explosion scenes, with a barely sustainable plot that's only there for letting the playboy girls and porn actresses get naked and/or get laid for a reason. At first it may seem like a very entertaining premise, but after watching 3 to 4 of the Sidaris films you feel overdosed and having a bad kick out of it. 

Having now watched 10 out of the 12 movies Andy Sidaris directed between 1987 and 1997 (not sure, maybe 1998) you left the theater very dissapointed and with plenty of questions, for instance, Why didn't he make porn movies instead? I mean, he had pornstars and he didn't use their full talent in any of his movies. Besides, I think, Sidaris had a very cynical point of view, cause he wanted to make some Benjamins by the mere fact of having playmates displaying their tits and asses all over, so where's the difference between the idea behind a porn movie and an erotic flick of this kind? I really don't know. In fact the porn industry has improved quite a lot since the early 90's adding storylines and consistent plots to not only go straight to the money shot scene, cause they don't want you to quit on porn, but I guess Sidaris made us want to quit on him, cause he didn't worry about the elements that make a movie, a worth watching movie and don't get me wrong, I don't want an Oscar winning script, just an entertaining film, which in the end is the whole reason for which movies are made: entertainment.

Tits in the lead role.

More boring softcore sex.

Twats, we want twats!

Anyways Enemy Gold is about a trio of suspended federal agents -- Chris Cannon (played by Bruce Penhall), his childhood pal Mark Austin (Mark Barriere), and spunky Becky Midnite (a winningly perky portrayal by the adorable Suzi Simpson) -- search for a hidden gold treasure while vacationing in the woods. Meanwhile, evil drug lord Santiago (pleasingly impersonated by Rodrigo Obregon) hires lethal assassin Jewel Panther (pornstar Julie Strain) to kill the agents so he can have the gold for himself. Andy's son Christian Drew Sidaris takes over as director here and proves to be a real chip off the ol' breezy'n'cheesy B-flick block: There's abundant yummy female nudity, an amusing sense of cheeky humor, scorching soft-core sex scenes, big splashy explosions, a constant snappy pace, and competently staged action set pieces. However you will find all of the above mentioned in every Andy Sidaris movie, so that doesn't seem to be too original anymore. However, the film does have a fair quota of entertainment if you're into this kind of films.

This shower nude scene has been seen in most of Sidaris films.

Boring.

Nice butts.

 Perhaps if you haven't watched any of the Andy Sidaris films you may find this worth watching, but if you have met your way with two or more Sidaris movies you already know what to expect, and believe me, even for  a B movie connoisseur his overplayed formula get to your nerves quite quickly. However, his movies are somehow relevant for they intend to bring back the room the good old sexploitation movies had in the 70's & 80's, but, that's it. You neither won't find award winning acting, nor award writing talents. If you wanna get bored watching tits & asses I bet you can go to the internet and watch plenty of porn to satisfy your boredom. Besides, you'll see real sex being performed in a thousand different ways on the many free online porn sites that now seem to plague the internet universe. 

Suzi Simpson, a fresh adition to the gals list.

Tai Collins, another newcomer.

I had two Andy Sidaris films left to review, but I'm pretty sure you'll find the info through the web. I'm through with Sidaris. There are hundreds of way more interesting sexploitations films out there. See you next time, as now I'm heading to theater for The Avengers 3D.

Here's the movie trailer:

Fit to Kill

Yes, they're even fit for a good fuck.

 Let's face it, to think Andy Sidaris could outdo the success he had with his first girls, guns & g-strings' film Malibu Express, would be like giving a shotgun to a monkey. Sidaris definitely believed he could continue, and so he pushed his luck to release 12  movies based on the same basic scheme of centerfold playing good guy/bad guy games with helter skelter success. So far you've seen myself reviewing most of his movies and this time I gotta say Sidaris films can entertain only the most avid sexploitation fans, and today's entry will prove that through a repeated formula you can still have fun.

"Fit To Kill" is the sequel to "Hard Hunted" with the same villain Kane (R.J. Moore) who is this time trying to steal a priceless diamond. Once again, agent Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) is on his track, but she has to realize there are more parties interested in the jewel than just Kane...

This is how I got signed to work with Sidaris.

Nice fuck.

Action. Sidaris style.

Excellent story this time, to me one of the best from the Lethal Ladies series. Julie Strain is added to the familiar cast from "Hard Hunted". She gets a great introduction scene, working out on a balcony, whereas Dona Speir and R.J. Moore get a Bond dream scene and the best dialog they ever had. Sidaris' gadget obsession with remote control cars, boats and helicopters is taken to its all-time high with the duel of two heavily armed "baby helicopters". Two silly killers who blow up themselves in an attempted assassination turn the toy obsession into a comedy element which is the only possibility to top that. Regular actor Rodrigo Obregon plays a Russian diplomat - and he's a good guy, exceptionally.

My personal favorite, Dona Speir.

Gorgeous.

This is how I would like to meet with my coleagues.

Now, let's not forget that "Fit To Kill" follows the well-established by that point Andy Sidaris formula, which includes gorgeous female special agents in bikinis and other revealing outfits blowing away bad guys and having sex with their hunky male partners, beautiful exotic locations well-captured by the camera (most of being from Hawaii & Las Vegas), and a tongue-in-cheek tone despite all the mayhem. However, Sidaris had achieved better balance between action and soft-core porn in previous films (like "Savage Beach"); here, the script is too meandering, and there are two dimwitted hit men that are meant to be funny but don't really succeed. What gives this movie an extra kick is definitely the presence of Julie Strain (as a smooth assassin), in her first of many collaborations with Sidaris. Her introduction, which has her flexing and stretching her Amazonian body, must be one of the most memorable scenes in the director's filmography - the lighting and music in that scene are incredible! Unfortunately, the movie doesn't have a climactic hand-to-hand fight between her and Dona Speir. 

Sweet beaver Dona.

Nice Twat!

Overall, a standard Andy Sidaris film with plenty of explosions, gun shots, boobs and asses. Now I have only a couple more Sidaris movies to finish reviewing his 12 movie 90's sexploitation career. Stay tuned!

Here's the movie trailer:

And as a bonus track a body casting video with Julie Strain:

Do or Die

The classic do or die game.

Andy Sidaris the late 80's and  90's definitive sexploitation film maker makes it once again with Do or Die, an action packed adventure with plenty of explosions, martial arts and tits & ass! This movie is so bad it is good. Andy Sidaris never made a movie with the characteristics of a master piece, he did his own sexploitation master pieces with his own rules, the same actors, the same setting and almost the same scripts for each of his 12 girls, guns and g-strings movies.

Ok, how about this for starters? For no reason you can figure out, you're on Hawaii (Molokai for the tenth time) and you're at an outdoor party for a children's charity. Someone out of nowhere approaches two girls sitting at this party to tell them there is someone waiting for them outside. It is Pat Morita. He has his back to them. He tells them he knows they are high-level operatives for the US govt and that they are responsible for ruining his business, and now he intends to kill them, but he's going to make a game out of it, and the game will start tomorrow.

With no further ado the two girls run off, pack their bags, get into some kind of trendy vehicle, and make it for the airport. They're not running from Pat Morita; they have never said if they know who he is; they're playing his game without question.

My name is Kane and I came here to kill centerfolds who won't suck my dick.

Super agents are made like this.

Pat Morita is a pimp!

The romp continues, through, among other places, a sandy airfield where so-called 'QSA' model airplanes are flown for an audience. Note that this demonstration has absolutely nothing to do with the story or the characters in it - it's just there, and then suddenly it's gone.

Every so often you cut to a new scene with a couple of po' white trash out of nowhere who are sitting around wherever they may be doing whatever they might be doing, and somewhere they have a small black plastic box with a short antenna and two coloured lights on top, one red and one green. And then the green one will start blinking and one of the characters will say 'they're almost here!' and that's it. How are these two girls being tracked? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? The girls fly from Hawaii to the continental US, through Las Vegas, and then for no good reason end up the final 45 minutes of the movie around Shreveport Louisiana.

Don't be confused by her awesome ass and great tits, she's a serious top hitwoman!

Tits are the lead characters in Andy Sidaris films.

Sex by the fireplace, a true classic.

fucking hard!

It's brilliant. It's so bad it's good. This movie should be used in university film classes as a cookbook of how not to make a movie. And it is probably being used for those purposes already. Every scene where Estrada blows somebody up has to end with fifteen seconds on his white toothy grin - it's too much. And there is a classic scene where Estrada kills a bad guy with baseballs. But perhaps one of the worst is when Estrada is having sex with the odd girl out in a swimming pool somewhere. Suddenly she starts ripping her hair back and fro, and of course there is a strong back light on her, and this creates a spectacular visual effect, but what does this have to do with the story or the characters? It's so bad you will laugh. And then after that, Estrada grabs the girl up in his arms, and the girl twists so her feet are away from the camera so she can make more fabulous visual effects by kicking her feet into the surface of the water. You get the picture. Get the movie.

I won't tell you how the good guys finally discover how the bad guys have been tracking them across the planet for the past hour and a half, but it has something to do with a 'laser microchip.' And not once in those ninety minutes did anyone wonder how they were being tracked. This movie has the worst screenplay ever written. It is one of the worst, perhaps the worst, movie ever made.

Pat Morita fucks her girl good.

it's weird to have a pornstar casted and not letting her do her thing.

Skinnemax.

There are those who say this is 'soft porn' or basically 'T&A', but don't believe them. There's as much real sex in this movie as there is in Donald Duck. Rent the movie, see it, because you know you are going to be in for a treat - a movie so bad it is good. 

Here's the movie trailer:

Guns

...and now available on DVD.

A long long time ago I said I would post reviews for the entire Andy Sidaris girls, guns and G-strings films. Some of the have already been reviewed but still I have plenty of them left for reviewing, like today's entry 1990's Guns. Now, if you still happen to be one of the very few connoisseurs that haven't yet had the chance of watching one of the Andy Sidaris movies, I'll introduce you to all of them in a brief explanation. Mr. Sidaris specializes in delivering entertaining films based mostly on secret agents, contraband and plenty of explosive action led by the hottest centerfolds money can buy, so yeah, big boobs, perfect round asses and  a lote of nude gals complete Andy Sidaris recipe. A recipe that lasted 12 succesful movies from 1985 up to 1998. His movies were all recently re-released in 2011 by Millcreek Entertainment on a 3 DVD pack called "Girls, Guns and G-Strings" that is available for quite a  decent price. 

Guns, follows the steps of a Hawaii based mexican gun dealer who sells chinese weapons to the southamerican guerilla. It just so happens that this guy Juan Degas, AKA Jack of Diamonds (played by star Eric Estrada)  has some unfinished business with a lady in Molokai, so after he hires a couple of hitmen to get rid of her, shit happens and all of a sudden secret agents are following his steps wherever he goes. 

Las Vegas singing lady.

Donna Speir once more.

She sure rocks with guns.

Once again writer/director Andy Sidaris works his usual entertainingly kitschy magic with his customary winning blend of lovely ladies who bare their tasty wares with pleasing regularity, an amusingly goofy sense of self-mocking humor, big splashy explosions, several ineptly staged action set pieces, a good amount of bloody violence, a constant snappy pace, and gorgeous globe-trotting locations which give this picture an impressively expansive feeling of scope. Of course, the standard bevy of hot babes helps a lot: busty blonde Dona Speir as the feisty Donna Hamilton, yummy brunette Roberta Vasquez as the sultry Nicole Justin, scorching Cynthia Brimhall as foxy singer Edy Stark, ravishing Devin De Vasquez as Juan's sexy, yet lethal moll Cash, and adorable Kym Malin as sassy wrestler Kym. Moreover, Phyllis Davis delivers a lively performance as Donna's hard-nosed district attorney mother Kathryn Hamilton, Danny Trejo(yes, Machete!) does well as Juan's smooth henchman Tong, and Chuck McCann contributes a funny turn as impish magician Abe. As an added plus, the divine Ms. Brimhall belts out a couple of cool 90's pop songs (the titular tune in particular is a real boot) and two bumbling transvestite hit men supply gut-busting comic relief. Hward Wexler's slick cinematography gives this movie an attractive bright look. Richard Lyons' bouncy synthesizer score hits the stirring spot. An enormously fun flick as opposed as many other reviewers has stated in several movie sites. 

Juan Degas, AKA Joaquín de Diamantes.

it's a men's job.

Danny Trejo.

Overall, Guns is perhaps one of the most entertaining films Sidaris delivered. It does have some sexploitation scenes, only this time they feel more moderate if compared to his past attempts. The score has a 90's B movie vibe all over that suits the storytelling quite well. Also, the landscapes Hawaii provides, give the film a sense of continuity, as if all of Sidaris movies happened in the same universe, and in a way that is kind of correct, cause most of the characters seen on his films either, appear in several movies or their names are quoted as if they were really part of the action. Somehow, that is quite an interesting element that adds a sense of "welcome to the Sidaris universe"  The acting isn't that bad either, since Sidaris hires the same centerfolds for most of his films, they kind of learned how to act in the proper way. The special effects are quite good, the explosions are very real, and most of the shootings(mostly done with silencers to make it sound clean) are also quite realistic. I believe this is one of my favorite Andy Sidaris films, as it has quite a decent plot,  and plenty of fast action. go watch it now kiddo.

Motorcycle sex, you should try it sometime.

Boobs.

Girl fight!

This is what secret agents are made of.

Here's the movie trailer:

 And as a bonus an interesting Andy Sidaris interview about Guns:

Picasso Trigger

Cool movie poster.

After a long while reviewing films that were beyond being considered B movies I felt it was about time to go back to my pending assignment of reviewing the Andy Sidaris Girls, Guns & G-Strings 12 movie saga, so fasten your seatbelt for today's review for 1988 tits & ass classic: Picasso Trigger.

After double agent Picasso Trigger (believe it or not, that his name) gets bumped off by treacherous arch drug smuggler Miguel Ortiz (played by Sidaris  usual actor Rodrigo Obregon), several federal agents are assigned by the agency they work for to bring Ortiz down.

Airplanes were always a part  of  Sidaris' cast.

Our agents ready for action.

An old movie ad.

Writer/director Andy Sidaris maintains a quick pace throughout and delivers his usual enjoyable mixture of centerfold babes in tight swimsuits or with no clothes on, also the movie delivers a moderate amount of  amusingly goofy sense of humor, average explosions, James Bond-style low budget gadgets such as an explosive boomerang and a killer remote control plus a good deal of bloody violence, occasional bits of strenuous slow motion, a cool fierce martial arts fight, and globe-trotting international locations which add an impressively expansive scope to the picture. 

Now, this is talent.

More talent displays.

A Key scene from the film.

Another Key Scene.

More key scenes.

The acting from the attractive cast is the kind you would expect from a B movie, but, we do know that all the centerfolds here are not for award winning acting talent, they are here for their gorgeous bodies! Overall this film, as I've read from other movie  freaks like me, is not considered as one the most interesting Sidaris films, other reviewers, most of them I'd say consider that this movie is basically a display of nudity and action scenes that somehow look exactly the same as earlier Sidaris works and in a way you could say that, but this is a B movie not a masterpiece movie, so I think that to state that Sidaris movies are a bit too repetitive makes no sense, remember these movies are not meant for all audiences, only for the connoisseurs, not for blockbuster smart asses, so if this is what you're looking for, look no further and help yourself watching this amusing flick, and if this is not, well just turn the page!

In case you still feel this film is not worth watching, let's check the main characters:

Hero N°1.

Hero N°2.

The enemy.

Here's the movie trailer: