Enter the Ninja

Don't mess with a White Ninja!

The 80's were a unique decade in so many ways, that I will introduce you to today's magnificent forgotten gem with a small time travel capsule. Whenever someone thinks of the 80's he's likely to describe the explosion of canned pop music, glam rock, horrible hairdo, violent warfare events (ok, this happens all the time) the greatest videogame consoles, going to the Arcade center and watching magnificent cartoons and Animé. However, not many seem to remember that the 80's were the golden decade for video rental stores thus providing the film making industry a huge field of interest. I remember how cool it was to browse for the weirdest, most obscure titles next to my dad. He would rent sexploitation, I would rent martial arts, cartoons and early OVAS.

Today's entry is one step above the many martial arts flicks made during the 80's. Usually, when we think of the "one man army" and/or "ultimate hero" cliche, we think of Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Silvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nevertheless, the true connoisseur knows for sure that those were not the only tough men around. In fact, Italy provided the world of cinema with three magnificent men: Terence Hill, Bud Spencer and Franco Nero.  

Don't worry, I'm the good guy!

Django does Ninjitsu!

Enter The Ninja, is a 1981 movie filmed in its entirety in the Philippines (you would surprise at the amount of movies that were made there during the 70's & 80's) The lead role is in charge of the Italian equivalent of all the American action heroes put together, and  no, I'm not exaggerating. Cole (Franco Nero)  is a former war hero (no, not Vietnam) who spends his time in Japan perfecting his body and soul through the secret art of ninjitsu, while in the Philippines his best friend Frank (Alex Courtney) is having a bad time as he's being constantly harassed by a businessman who wants his property. Unaware of this, Cole finishes his training, thus being granted the Ninja master degree. 

Back in the Philippines, Mr. Venarius (an over the top Christopher George) is preparing for a final warning on Frank's property. The property in stake is worth millions of dollars as it's got a massive oil fountain about to be discovered. 

Are you talking to me?

Tell me more about fuckjitsu please.

The movies universe, as you already know, is a unique place where coincidences conveniently happen to help plot development so, Cole decides to pay a little visit to his old time friend. Nevertheless, Frank has changed so much since the last time they met. His hero days are long gone, and his current days are spent drinking while Mary Ann(Susan George) his sexy wife with a beautiful British accent, takes his place as "the man".  Seeing all of this, makes Cole decide to give Frank a hand. 

As above mentioned, Enter the Ninja is one step above its counterparts in many aspects. On the one hand, the acting is above average, at least for this kind of movies (Check the American Ninja saga and you'll see what I mean) Also, despite not being that original, the plot makes sense and the scenes develop accordingly with lots of action in between. On the other hand, the special effects, the fight choreographs, the ninja costumes and gadgets where all developed with extra care and it shows. In addition, W. Michael Lewis & Laurin Rinder's score set the mood for each of the characters and the pace of the movie. Something many martial arts films from the same decade lack deeply. Menahem Golan knew what he was doing when he directed this gem. Furthermore, Franco Nero gives the film credibility and his convincing performance is that of an experienced actor. 

Do films know something we don't about business men?

Mary Ann in her prime.

The body count in this movie is amongst the highest on its genre and that's the magic of the film universe as there are no cops around, not even for a second during the whole deal, which leaves you wondering if it's convenient to take that vacation cruise to the Philippines with that amount of killing. Cole, says "Ninjas don't kill, Ninjas terminate" and that they only do it for protection of themselves or in this film case, protection of the weakest (my god, it seems like every Manila inhabitant is in danger if they cross themselves with the White Ninja) 

Of course, taking down Venarius' thugs is no deal at all for Cole, so after several failed attempts, Mr. bad businessman decides to hire a true Japanese Ninja, someone from the not so distant past Cole lived in Japan. Enter: Hasegawa(Sho Kosugi) the black ninja, who not only is Cole's former ninjitsu classmate but also, the exact opposite of everything our hero stands for. This guy has no self control, he likes to show off his Ninja talents no matter how helpless his victims are. This guy, enjoys murder like I enjoy my coffee in the morning. Eventually, he destroys Frank property, mercilessly attacks his workers and gets the job done, meaning he kills Frank and kidnaps Mary Ann, so that (obviously) Cole will meet Mr. Venarius buy offer inevitably. 

Fruit Ninja? Never heard of her!

Hasegawa gets the lady.

Overall, a great piece of entertainment. This film will not only please martial arts fans but also, the casual viewer and obviously the connoisseur. Besides, you don't wanna miss one of the best performances Franco Nero has ever done out of the many western like films he's done before. Also, Susan George is a hottie for sure! a pity she's not in the nude though.

Here's the movie trailer:

Fly Me

Sexy stewardesses ready to fuck & kick some ass.

Once again director Cirio H. Santiago, delivers another great Philippino exploitation film under the supervision of master Roger Corman. "Fly Me" a martial arts sexploitation hijack stewardess adventure from 1973.

“This airline serves three wild dishes. Take your choice: ‘I’m Toby, fly me as far as you want.’ ‘I’m Sherry, buy a ticket and I come free!’ ‘I’m Andrea, my foreign lay-overs are very stimulating.’”

Plot: Feeling anxious over the imminent cancellation of ABC’s Pan Am? Fret not! Roger Corman’s New World Pictures has all the sexy stewardesses and globe-hopping adventures any aviaphile could demand. “But is it episodic?” you may ask. “Is it preposterous?” “Is there a white slavery angle?” Yes, yes, and… it’s a Roger Corman production from 1973, do you really have to ask?

Much like Pan Am, Fly Me divides the action among its three air-hostesses.

First up: Sherry (played by Lyllah Torena), whom we first meet at the airport, being dropped off by one man, and then sneaking off to the airplane lavatory with another man for a quickie (once they reach “cruising altitude”). When the plane lands in Hong Kong, we learn that Sherry has been spending her non-fornicatin’ time smuggling dope. But she’s shorted one of her suppliers, so they abduct, strip, and bind her, leaving her to try to wriggle her way free while wearing only panties. When Sherry fails, her captor informs her that the big boss has a “side business.” “Call it a ‘rental service,’” he sneers. “Girls,” he adds in a whisper, in case Sherry has missed the point. (“You… fucker!” she hisses in reply.)

Those were the days.

Kung fu Blonde!

C'mon let me give ya a cum swallowing blowjob while you drive.

Meanwhile, Andrea (Lenore Kasdorf) goes looking for one of her own man-friends in Hong Kong, only to find that he’s abandoned his apartment under mysterious circumstances, which bums Andrea out so much that she’s unable to enjoy her dimly lit yacht-party.

So Andrea enlists a local importer/exporter for help in investigating her pal’s disappearance, but the more she probes, the more she draws heat from swarms of martial artists, who kick at her and rip her clothes and shoot blow-darts at her. Some of her stalkers are Asian; some are white and female; some are blind. All move fairly slowly, giving Andrea plenty of time to counter their moves with her own.

Willing to deliver the best flying sex experience.

As for novice stew Toby (Pat Anderson), she’s looking forward to the hedonism of her first trip abroad until she learns that her mother (Naomi Stevens) has decided to serve as her chaperone, to make sure that she doesn’t get into trouble. (“I put a virgin on the plane in Los Angeles. I’ll put a virgin on the plane in Hong Kong,” she promises.) Mama complains about everything, from the food she gets in Asia—even “the finest chop suey in Hong Kong” can’t satisfy her—to the handsome doctor (Richard Young) who’s courting Toby from port to port. The young couple has to sneak off to a bathhouse in Tokyo to try and find some privacy. There, the doc reassures a shy, naked Toby that he’s “not only a doctor… I’m a bone specialist.” Alas, mama crashes the party before he can show Toby exactly what that means.

The three storylines come together improbably when Toby’s mother demands to be let aboard an aerial “tourist excursion” that turns out to be a front for the brothel where Sherry’s been imprisoned. Andrea’s gumshoeing too leads her to the same place, where a brawl ensues and the ladies fight back to a life where they can sleep with lots of men on their own time, not under orders from a drug kingpin.

so, what do you think?

Can't seem to reach your cock sugar.

How am I s'possed to swallow your load with this tape in my mouth?!

Overall,  Fly Me is a must watch from prolific Filipino exploitation feature director Cirio H. Santiago, working from a blithely trashy script by Miller Drake, crams the wildly colorful and eventful 74 minute running time with abundant delicious female nudity (the first topless scenes occurs barely a minute into the movie!), seedy subplots, a funky-groovin' prog-rock score, amusingly dumb lowbrow humor, several uproariously inept chopsocky fight scenes (the blind assassin with the cane that fires deadly poison darts is a total riot!), and a rousing all-out action-loaded conclusion. Moreover, Santiago maintains a nonstop zippy pace and a light, bouncy tone from start to finish. The three female leads are all quite attractive and appealing, with Anderson the stand-out of the bunch. Popping up in nifty minor roles are Vic Diaz as crooked cop Enriquez and Dick Miller as a friendly cab driver. Of course, this flick is completely silly and ridiculous, but that's exactly why it ultimately sizes up as an absolute sleazy hoot.

Here's the less than a minute movie trailer:

and a couple of clips from the recently restored and remastered Shout Factory DVD edition of "Lethal Ladies Volume 2", featuring of course Fly Me, Cover Girl Models & The Arena:

Cover Girl Models

Thrillers have never looked better.

Knowing that the Philippines  was one of the favorite countries in which directors produced several hundreds of B movies during the heyday of exploitation, it is nothing to be surprised about, in fact there are even websites dedicated only to cover films made in the Philippines. However, here at SPAM-Alternative we try to bring you the best out of the worst or the worst out of the worst if that makes any sense at all. Today we're travelling to the small island of the Philippines to gather around 1975's Cover Girl Models, which is yet another clichéd exploitation film you should definitely watch. 

The cult director Cirio H. Santiago once again finds himself teaming up with Pat Anderson who plays a model named Barbara. She, along with two model friends – Claire (Lindsay Bloome) and Mandy (Tara Strohmeier) – hop a flight to that Hong Kong, the most favored destination in any globetrotting seventies exploitation movie. Once they get there, for reasons never fully explained in any sort of logical narrative sense, the trio wind up getting involved in an international spy ring. See, a roll of microfilm somehow fell into one of the girls’ dresses and now the nefarious bad guys want to get it back no matter the cost. Also, the girls do lots of fashion shows and get naked a few times, all of which leads up to a remarkably awful shoot out where cult actor Vic Diaz mows some poor slob down with a grease gun.

Nice wet seethrough shirt.

Three girls, one cup.

Nice vintage outfit.

So, the clichéd story has it that the three beautiful American models will deliver us with plenty of action. Director Cirio H. Santiago, working from a blithely inane script by Howard R. Cohen, relates the amiably silly story at a snappy pace, maintains a breezy'n'easy good-natured tone throughout, delivers a copious amount of tasty female nudity, and stages the occasional martial arts fight with an endearing ineptitude that's good for a few unintentional laughs. This movie is further energized by the spirited acting by a neat cast of familiar 70's exploitation cinema regulars: Bloom, Strohmeier, and Anderson are all comely, sexy, and charming as the titular trio, John Kramer contributes a solid performance as slick'n'smarmy photographer Mark, and the ubiquitous Vic Diaz excels in one of his trademark oily villain roles as the nefarious Kulik, plus there are amusing bits by Mary Woronov as uptight executive Diane and Rhonda Leigh Hopkins as the snippy and stuck-up Pamela. Felipe Sacdalan's sunny cinematography gives the picture an attractive bright look. D'Amarillo's bouncy'n'groovy score hits the right-on happening spot. Best of all, the tight 73 minute running time ensures that this flick never gets dull or overstays its welcome. A really enjoyable diversion for those that understand these kind of movies. I wouldn't be so sure if a regular movie fan would stand it though.

Maybe here I can find someone to fuck my ass.

I've swallowed cum from five men at once, don't tell me what to do.

I can't seem to find my dildo.

Definitely, Cover Girl Models doesn’t always make a lot of sense and it rarely puts the three leading ladies directly in the action (as opposed to Fly Me or the mighty T.N.T. Jackson which Santiago made the same year and with some of the same people) but it clocks in at under seventy-five minutes so you can’t really fault its pacing. It plays just as well as a collection of weird seventies travelogue footage than as anything else and the camera seems to spend as much time showing off the exotic locations than following the girls around as they try to figure out just why the bad guys are after them, but you take what you can out of movies like this one.

fuck my pussy, fuck it now!

I want your cum all over my face.

Hi, wanna fuck?

A little nudity, a few bloody shot outs with some nice squib effects, a gratuitous Vic Diaz cameo, some travelogue bits, a little more nudity… yeah you could do worse than this if you’re looking for some fun, disposable entertainment. My only complaint is that they didn't film enough nude/sex scenes, you know,  having actresses that were regulars in the exploitation scene, you're definitely expecting to see some skin,  I mean the first reason why we stand the running time of a bad film it is precisely the amount of nudity & sex we're being offered by movie posters & trailers.

Here a little clip from the movie to get you tempted:

Too Hot to Handle!

Fuck & Destroy.

Continuing with Roger Corman's Lethal Ladies film saga, today we enter the world of a buxom, leggy, shapely, irresistibly trashy platinum blonde 70's schlock action movie bombshell Cheri Caffaro, who rather uncomfortably resembles a dark side clone of Dolly Parton, struts her electrifying el skanko woman hot stuff to the sizzling low-rent max as cagey, sexy and very deadly international hit babe Samantha Fox (who shouldn't be confused with either the New York porn star or the vacuous British pop singer, now where they inspired by Cheri's character?), who's armed with an assortment of lethal weapons and clever disguises, plus sports the world's ugliest dark blue eye shadow and an extremely deep all body tan. Fox gleefully kills an eminently hateful bunch of wealthy slimebags who all live in the Phillipines. She's been hired to rub out these evil rich scum by some mystery person. In between offing people Cheri finds time to strike up a steamy romance with hunky police chief Aharon Ipale (one particularly hot date involves attending a cockfight; the killer roosters' wild brawl is tastefully inter-cut with scorchingly hot shots of a naked Caffaro excitedly writhing on a bed!).

70's chick style never looked better with a shotgun.

So ya wanna a piece o' me?

Funerals get my twat so wet, y' know.

Cheri's perpetually all-thumbs director husband Don Schain, who also helmed all three sensationally scuzzy "Ginger" pictures and the tawdry "A Place Called Today" for his darling celluloid sleaze goddess wife, fumbles the ball here with truly inept, but still oddly engrossing and often painfully sidesplitting results: some priceless dialogue (aphorism to live by: "I never bet on anything but a sure thing"), copious gratuitous Caffaro nudity, hilariously ham-fisted action scenes (don't miss the gut-busting karate fight between Cheri and a would-be kung-fu assassin on Cheri's yacht), Hugo Montenegro's funky, pulsating pseudo-John Barry score, choppy editing, quite primitive cinematography by Fredy Conde (the strenuous slow motion and eyeball-straining four way split screen are both endearingly clumsy), gorgeous scenic Manila locations, an almost excruciatingly funny surprise ending, Julie McFadden's haunting rendition of the unforgettably atrocious theme song "Lady Samantha" ("Lady Samantha/He fell in love with you"), and the incomparable Vic Diaz's marvelous portrayal of a sweet, tubby, gluttonous blundering oaf of a detective all jostle for the viewer's attention in this tacky, degenerate and resolutely crummy ersatz James Bond-style action/adventure dreckfest released by New World Pictures that's absolutely essential viewing for any self-respecting Cheri Caffaro fan worth his weight in crushed beer cans, which hopefully doesn't exclude too many folks. 

Get that sun tan you love so much baby.

Is it hot here, or is it just me?

You're so gonna love my kamasutra training old fart.

If nothing else, "Too Hot to Handle", AKA, "She's Too Hot to Handle", AKA "Hitgirl" proves to be a very entertaining sexploitation ride. Cheri Caffaro plays her hitgirl role Samantha Fox, like a natural, she is hot & sexy, she is Samantha Fox!. The film starts while she is at work knocking off a succession of Manila gangsters, a handsome young detective, Domingo De La Torres (Aharon Ipale) picks up her trail, and it complicates things for the two of them when they find themselves falling for each other. Don Schain goes all out sometimes trying to give the film some style, and it is rather amusing, as he employs split screen (towards the end, we get to see four things happen at once) and iris shots, and comes up with a reasonably clever scene transition at one point. 

Check my lethal weaponry: Tits, Ass, Pussy & a willing mouth.

Fuck me hard!

Sugar, today I'm taking a bath in  your cum.

Of course, as this is a B movie, I can't say there aren't inept moments, pretty priceless ones, in fact, as the fight scenes come off as woefully awkward. The James Bond-style music score is quite a hoot, as well. We do get treated to the sight of Ms. Caffaro's naked body, which is much appreciated, and there's a decent amount of sex. What is nice, however, is that "Too Hot to Handle" displays some disarming humour right off the bat, as Samantha takes out the first of her targets (John Van Dreelen) in a "torture room". In addition to Caffaro, the cast is entertaining; Ipale has been a busy actor for years, appearing in stuff like "Fiddler on the Roof", "Ishtar", "The Mummy" (1999), and "Charlie Wilson's War". The appearance of extremely prolific Filipino character actor Vic Diaz always guarantees a good time, and in addition to Van Dreelen, another veteran, French leading lady Corinne Calvet, makes a cameo appearance. (In fact, her final scene is amusing the way it deliberately mimics a scene from a commercial that her character shot - poetic justice indeed!) Fox and Ipale make for an appealing enough romantic pair. The movie is (comfortably) predictable, and easy enough to watch, moving along fairly well and providing a good diversion. Seven out of 10 definitely.

Here a 13 minutes sneak peek:

 

Firecracker

Perfect boobs, perfect skills.

a long time ago, I reviewed a 1974 blaxploitation classic known as TNT Jackson. Such film was produced by the legendary Roger Corman, and it just so happens today's review will be about the 1981 remake of the blaxploitation martial arts cult classic.ironically, the remake was once again produced by Mr. Roger Corman, so, enter Firecracker, AKA NAked Fist. 

One can tell by a few major set pieces that this is more than just your garden variety exploitation; veteran director Cirio H. Santiago definitely cooks with gas here. Having co- written the screenplay with actor Ken Metcalfe, he makes this a continuously snappy affair. The movie isn't wall to wall action, but there's still quite enough of it, as we get treated to many fine fight scenes that start almost right away. The feisty and fetching Jillian Kesner, may she rest in peace, is a delight to watch as she plays a karate champion & instructor, newly arrived in the Philippines, hellbent on finding out what happened to her missing sister. This makes "Firecracker" sound like something of a rehash of Santiago's "T.N.T. Jackson", where the plot was very similar, but "Firecracker" is even better, a fast paced, furious, bloody thrill ride highlighted by a shoot out staged in a striking location, a love making scene that is prefaced by the male CUTTING the clothes off of his partner (sex and violence are mingled in a memorable manner here), and the one scene that us fans of this movie will always have first and foremost in our minds, as Susanne Carter (Kesner) is pursued by two would be hit men and ways are constantly contrived to remove her clothing, until she's nearly nude (and showing off one extremely fine body) yet still very capable of defending herself. 

Female underwear: Ideal for karate fighting.

Shit! I was fingerin' my pussy & now these thugs make my day.

Early Fatalities.

The supporting cast contains a few familiar faces that are very welcome to B movie lovers: Darby Hinton ("Without Warning", "Malibu Express") as male lead Chuck Donner, the understandably ubiquitous Vic Diaz as Grip, Metcalfe himself as crime boss Erik, and Chanda Romero ("The Last Reunion") as undercover cop Malow.

The plot in this kind of films, is usually weak, and it barely gives us enough substance to believe our eyes & ears, and since Firecracker is a new take on the original TNT Jackson the story is nothing new as it is about a female looking for revenge, although there are some minor updates as the lead role is a karate champion who has to travel abroad (to the Phillipines) to investigate her sister's disappearance and suddenly stumbles on a drug ring and a tournament of no-holds-barred fights to the death!

I'll kick your ass before I swallow your cum!

Perfect vintage tits.

I need no clothes to kick your ass.

The film is mainly a showcase for the beautiful, athletic, voluptuous woman and convincing, tough fighter Jillian Kesner - and I have no complaints there: she has about 10 fight scenes in this movie, the first one of which occurs after only 2 minutes! The production is very cheap, but the fight choreography is actually quite good - not exactly on the level of early Jackie Chan but certainly vastly preferable to the heavily wired, computer-enhanced crap that so often passes for martial arts today. The long scene in which Kesner ends up topless as she tries to fight off two attackers is not just exploitation, but almost a statement: here is this undressed, unarmed, completely feminine woman and these two men can't touch her, can't even go near her without getting hurt. I'm surprised this B-movie mini-classic is so little known today.  

I deserve a facial after all the fights.

Oh, my tits are so hot!

Thanks for cumming sugar!

Overall, a little slicker than your typical potboiler, "Firecracker" is exciting and enticing stuff, and the viewer can groove along to the funky electronic score courtesy of Nonong Buencamino. The movie always makes sure to get right to the point, and deliver what fans of the genre want, and it deserves respect in that regard - and once it's over, it's OVER. It's 78 straight minutes of no-fooling-around fun. Eight out of 10. 

Here's the movie trailer: