Spider-Man Homecoming

Lame.

Superhero films are getting more and more retarded with time, and when some decide to make serious driven films, fanboys bash them like there's no tomorrow. I still think Batman V Superman was an excellent film, an got even better with the extended edition. In addition, Suicide Squad took all the tricks Marvel's been praised for and again, shot to pieces.

 

Marvel's first Spider-Man movie is exclusively for kids & teens despite it has a few moments for adults, though it can sour upon further reflection.

Let's start with the good stuff. Tom Holland is probably the best Spider-Man yet. His best friend provides great comic relief and the two have terrific chemistry. Marisa Tomei adds a breathe of fresh air to the role of Aunt May. Michael Keaton provides Marvel with its first memorable villain in a while (and perhaps the only characters we grown ups can relate to, and Aunt May of course). The action scenes flow smoothly, and the humor mostly works (again, this is a teen movie).

Those are the things that stand out after immediately leaving the theater, and for that reason it gets "meets the standards" marks in my book. 

 

Superhero by night.

Boring breakfast club parody by day.

But the adult in me started thinking about what I just watched, and there's some stuff that bugs me. The following contains minor spoilers.

"With great power comes great responsibility" is the famous line from the first Spider-Man, which neatly summarizes the core theme of the film, and Peter Parker's internal conflict with being Spider-Man.

This film also has a one-liner like that, spoken to Peter by Tony Stark: "If you're nothing without this suit, you don't deserve to wear it." Which sounds like a god awful nod the shitty Iron Man 3 film that ended the solo career of the metal-asshole man. And it's actually quite illustrative of what's wrong with this film.

The fist Spider-Man movie in 2002 emphasized taking responsibility for your actions. The amount of responsibility this Spider-Man takes for his actions is, well, none. A list of the damage this "friendly neighborhood" Spider-Man directly/indirectly inflicts includes: - Swinging through a neighborhood destroying roofs, fences, tree houses, etc. - Blowing up a bodega - Setting a bomb off in the Washington Monument nearly killing all his friends - Blowing up a boat, nearly drowning everyone on board - Nearly crashing a plane into a city.

 

One of the two good things about the film.

and the other pair of good things about this flick.

Now it's not like Spider-Man is trying to stop some ticking time bomb or rescue a loved one from imminent death, and all these destructive acts are the consequence. No, he's simply chasing down thieves, led by The Vulture.

However, Peter Parker's recklessness eventually forces Tony Stark to take back the advanced suit, delivering the impactful line. And yet, Peter Parker dons his homemade Spider-Man costume a couple scenes later when he learns the Vulture has another heist planned, which results in the aforementioned plane scene.  

 

But Tony isn't mad about that one, cause Spider-Man got the bad guy this time. Ends justify the means I guess. I don't want to extrapolate without ruining the whole movie, but suffice to say, it's inexplicable that Tony is okay with Peter's actions, especially considering the events of the Civil War movie.

Thus thematically, there really is no arch. Peter doesn't learn about taking responsibility for his actions - he simply accomplishes a task without wearing the high tech suit Tony gave him. Peter's only real lesson in the movie is that he'd rather be a regular kid than an Avenger. 

Badass suit.

Badass entry. (stolen from Batman Begins)

In addition, how did he get his powers?, how does he train? how come he has no Spider fucking sense! that power is key to the character and instead all we get is an insecure kid looking for a father figure in an asshole that has caused the most disastrous problems in the MCU! God! I do hope Iron Man gets killed in the final installment of the Avengers films, I just can't stand how they try to make a complete asshat look cool just because he's rich and magically smart.

 

I know the Spider-Man origin story has been retold twice already, Once successfully in 2002, and one disgraceful in 2012 but yet what I feared in the trailers became the ultimate truth: out of complete desperation, producers forced Tony Stark's way into what could have been a truly refreshing debut film for the greatest Marvel Comics character there has ever been, and all we get is a big fucking yawn!

Before the Tony Stark scholarship.

After the Tony Stark scholarship.

And then there's the nitpicking.

Let's start with Flash Gordon, the classic "cool jock" who's a major asshole and bullies Peter throughout high school.

Well now he's not a jock at all. He's a "nerd" (in fact, literally every high school character in this film falls into the modern day millennial "nerd" category) who is still a major asshole and bullies Peter. He calls him "Penis Parker" and, well, that's about it. His character's sole purpose seems to be to remind the audience "hey, bullies can be smart academically- minded kids too!" Um, okay. Someone let me know if you know a kid on the Science Debate Team who leads chants of "Penis" as he DJs a house party to mock a classmate. I'm genuinely curious.

Then there's the girl Peter likes, who mostly ignores him but is on the same trivia team as Peter (Flash is also on this team, as is every other student you meet). Peter ditches her all the time, but for some reason he musters the courage to ask her out, and inexplicably she says yes. 

 

Don't mess with me kid!

Don't mess with him kid!

There's another girl named Michelle who's the resident loner (again, on the trivia team) who refuses to tour the Washington Monument in order to remind the audience that slaves built it. However, this completely contradicts with the "Make America Great Again!" sticker on her backpack.

That's a joke.

 

Overall, a popcorn movie. The trailers where pretty much the whole story and there really isn't anything likeable about Peter Parker's new friends. The teenager he plays is clearly on fast forward, up to a point where he's unbearable. I can clearly tell, producers wanted the Ultimate Spider-Man (from the animation) turned into a live action character. They failed, and so they have been failing since Avengers 2: Age of Ultron. The Captain America films are the only ones worth watching, the MCU is dead as fuck.

Here's the movie trailer collection featuring the best moments of a film that could have been great: