Lurkers

Lurkers
Directed by Roberta Findlay
Released: 1988
Starring: Christine Moore, Gary Warner, Marina Taylor, and Roy MacArthur
Running Time: 90 minutes

Review by Flying Zebras from Doomed Moviethon

Warning: Due to the heinousness of this film, major spoilers have been provided.

I have to admit, the premise of the movie isn't bad. They were going for the "Hell on Earth" theme with apartment buildings being the terrestrial form of Satan's realm. In this movie, all former occupants are doomed to spend eternity in the apartment block. Unfortunately an idea is about as far as they got. When it comes to actually hacking out a script, the creators of this POS hadn't a snowball's chance in hell.

My first gripe with the movie is the title. Lurkers. You'd think it was about creepy people who loiter in a suspicious manner. Nope. No one in this film lurks. Oh sure, there are a few characters who mosey around, but not one of them are sneaky, stealthy, or creepy enough to have their actions qualify as lurking.

The music sounds like it was recorded from a transistor radio. The sound sucks, but it's not really noticeable because the script is so lousy you don't really want to know what the characters are saying. The makeup looks like it was done by Tammy Faye Baker. And the special effects are about as lame as a quadriplegic.

Unfortunately, the aforementioned flaws are not bad enough to make the film amusing. Instead, it ends up being a mediocre, unwatchable pile of crap. And, as my contribution to humanity, I'm going to tell you all about it and spare you the pain of watching it.

It begins with a mother and her daughter in your average apartment. Mother is doing her best to emotionally abuse her daughter. Her daughter looks like the pathetic mewling little brat born to grow up, produce children, and abuse them. It’s a vicious cycle that will soon be cut short in this instance, but not short enough to spare the viewer pain. Eventually, after much screaming and very little acting, the daughter makes her way downstairs to the street.

Once in the street the daughter, Cathy, is entreated to play jump rope. Just a side note, this has got to be one of the most unusual apartment blocks I’ve ever seen. All of the children seem to be Cathy’s age and they are all white. Thank God they aren’t all platinum blondes, or I might think I was watching Village of the Damned. Still, they do try to kill Cathy by winding the jump rope around her throat. Unfortunately they fail. They fail because two characters that you will never learn about have a staring contest. Wow, who knew staring could do so much for a film?

After this we see Cathy (Christine Moore (Prime Evil)) as an adult. We almost see her get hit by a car, but the same creepy woman who saved Cathy’s sorry ass in the last scene keeps her from getting run over. (Stupid bitch!) Then Cathy’s sleazy fiancé points out in typical unintelligent style, "You almost blew it." I have to disagree. This film could only have gotten better if it ended right then with Cathy’s death by car.

Next, the director tortures his audience with a pseudo-photo shoot. Basically, the sleazy boyfriend, Bob (played by Gary Warner), is a photographer. Bob and Cathy waste film and my time by showing Bob taking pictures of Cathy. Gay! Imagine a dark haired chick dressed in 1980’s clothing holding up her hair and leaning against a tree. I take it back. It’s not chic enough to be gay. It’s just stupid.

Of course, after all this Bob has to develop the film. He does so while the viewer is treated to the ubiquitous tit shot. I can do without T&A in horror, but I had to laugh at this scene. Not only do the two whores showing half their all have no connection to the story other than being Bob’s models, they don’t do anything except change from one horrible costume into another. But what put this one over the top was that while they are changing and flashing their tits, they’re discussing embezzling.

After this we see Bob sitting in a chair when his partner, a good-looking chick named Monica (Marina Taylor), who sits down on a couch and opens her shirt. If you haven’t guessed by now, Bob’s drilling every hole in town. Monica starts bitching about the two models, and ends up asking about Bob’s wedding. It’s so wrong. It’s like asking, "What caterer are you using? Oh, by the way, could you fuck me while you’re here?" Instead of giving it to Monica, he confirms that he and Cathy will be at Monica’s party on Friday night.

Next comes the scene with the wedding planner. Bob makes an inside joke about mauve invitations, and the wedding planner shows how flaming he can be. After this we see Cathy playing her cello with some other artists in a studio. Some extras make like their fighting in the booth, Cathy sees the creepy little girl from the jump rope scene, and everyone watches, puzzled, as she runs out of the studio.

Next comes more shitty soft-core scenes. At least the chick has a nice rack. However, it gets creepy when Cathy asks Bob to leave the light on. He then says, "That’s why I love you, Cathy. You’re like a little girl." Ugh! In any case, the light doesn’t work as Cathy dreams of her mom murdering her dad. Cathy wakes up and whines to Bob about how her brother hates her and blames her for the murders.

Several boring scenes go by, and Cathy eventually asks her brother, Phil, the priest, to come to her wedding. He won’t talk to her inside the church, he won’t come to her wedding, and he tells her something’s wrong with her. This guy has to be the most un-priestliest priest I’ve seen. He has all the sensitivity of a dead mackerel. His crowning achievement in the film consists of two lines: 1. "The past is dead, just like mom and dad." and 2. "I have my own life now, my life with God. You can’t be part of that." Phil walks back into the church, and creepy girl shows up. She tells Cathy to go home. Cathy then has hallucinations about the murders.

Bob, gourmand that he is, brings pizza home for dinner. For sparkling dinner conversation he offers, "Maybe your brother is a queer." They then indulge in sex with pizza. More uninteresting scenes go by, and eventually we see Cathy and Bob driving to Monica’s in a red convertible. The creepy older woman from the jump rope scene gets in the car and tells Cathy not to go home. She then vanishes by moving over to the other seat.

They manage to make it to Monica’s buidling which (Oh my God!) just happens to be where Cathy’s parents were murdered. Cathy refuses to go inside. Bob displays his typical insensitivity and leaves her to wait on the sidewalk. While she’s alone, Cathy watches as a woman is being chased by a guy with a sledgehammer. She finally gets a clue and starts running. Every damn payphone she tries doesn’t work. (You’d think she was in Cabrini Green.)

Cathy runs by a black guy clutching a lamp post and pleading to God for help. She tries another payphone which doesn’t work. She runs into a gang that looks like they escaped from the set of the "Thriller" video. (I was scared!) She runs by a wrought iron fence with a dead chicken hanging from it. She watches as sledgehammer man kills the woman (FINALLY). She ends up in front of her old building where Bob refuses to believe her. He takes her upstairs where she hangs out with the locals before being informed she’s in a suburb of Hell.

The ending’s chaotic with an odd pseudo-lesbian scene between a drag queen and a lesbian, montages of S&M, and other shit that I have no idea what they were trying to do. She ends up on the roof where Bob tells her she was supposed to die with her parents, but they’re going to rectify the situation now. Cathy goes over the edge, and the demons are happy. The film ends with Monica, dressed as a nun, helping Phil, and Bob romancing some waitress he picked up in a bar. Some other stuff happens and there, the end.

This film sucks ass. Don’t watch it.