Transformers 4, Age of Extinction

Don't go to the theater to watch this crap.

OK, so Mr. Michael Bay returns to the world of the highly profitable Transformers, how good is this? The answer obvious to many, doubtful to some depends on how old are you and how much you like the work of Bay himself. First, these movies were not made for 80's nostalgia lovers, these were merely made to allow Hasbro to sell their toys to newer generations of kids (well, adult collectors too) thus allowing the marketplace to grow and foster the development of further Transformers products. Inevitably, the original Transformers fans (count me in G1 lovers!) would be turned against their will to go straight to the theaters to cure the cravings for seeing a dream come true: Live action Transforming Transformers!

Years went by and after two rather acceptable movies and a disappointing third installment the unexpected happened: Another sequel!

Transformers: Age of Extinction is a disaster. I was thrilled to get the chance to see it before most of the world (an online copy leaked, I wouldn't waste a nickel on a ticket for a Michael Bay flick) but ended up being thoroughly disappointed. The movie is 165 minutes of incoherent nonsense and if you thought that's what the previous movies were, well, you might start appreciating them after seeing this.

Oh my god! G1 Optimus Prime!

...And, it's gone!

First of all, it has that god awful Michael Bay humor that we saw in the previous movies. It's not funny at all and there is so much of it so often it makes you cringe. It's like watching a senile old man running naked on the street. It's sad and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

But that stuff was there before as well. What I loved about the Transformers movies, or what anyone loves about them, was watching the robots transform and fight. The previous movies had memorable moments. I still remember the scene from the first movie where Ironhide jumps up and shoots missiles mid-air in slow motion as the woman is screaming below, and Starscream jumping and transforming mid-air and flying off, Sideways getting sliced in half by Sideswipe, Scorponok rising from the ground, and the brief scenes with Demolisher and Devastator in the second movie and finally the Shockwave sequences and that time Bumblebee transforms with Shia LaBeouf (terrible actor) still in the car from the third movie.

But nothing of that sort happens in this movie. Other than Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, there are three other Autobots in the movie, all of whom are new. They try to come across as interesting but you don't really give a damn about them. Bumblebee is so seldomly seen on screen you forget he's even there in the movie. And Optimus Prime goes through his usual routine of getting his ass thoroughly kicked in the first half of the movie, only to rise again later, something which has been a common theme of previous movies. This is why I don't feel particularly strongly about the movie version of Prime because he fails so often and so hard in combat it's difficult to take him seriously as a leader.

Useless human beings with great surviving skills.

Fake Steve Jobs and her Chinese associate.

There are plenty of action sequences in the movie but the first half has about 10% of them. And considering the first half is about 90 minutes long it means you are treated to a lot of talking and other stuff that is either plain stupid or just boring. When shit does start hitting the fan later, it's just a bloody mess, with so much happening at once that you don't care about anything and none of it is particularly cool or memorable. There is also the nausea-inducing shaky camera technique being thoroughly abused here, which actually makes it hard to see what's going on because everything is shaking so god damned much all the time. Except when there is a product placement going on, then the camera is absolutely still so you can see the brand name clearly.

The only redeeming aspects of this movie are the exceptional CGI with some stunning 3D and the incredible sound. The movie looks and sounds fantastic and if you do make the mistake of watching it, do it in IMAX like I did because otherwise there will be nothing there to enjoy. (This film does have the highest amount of IMAX footage I've seen in any movie, with practically half the movie being in IMAX. However, I did not like the way it constantly keeps jumping between IMAX and non-IMAX footage between every other scene. This probably won't bother you as much as it bothered me and if you watch it in a regular theater then you won't see it at all.)

Retro Bumblebee.

Transformed Bumblebee.

OK but, what is there anything new on this film?

Transformers, Age of Extinction is about the same plot that we watched in the previous films, so the answer is a thunderous smashing NO! If you think I'm being too hard on the film, please check the following list I made while watching it:

1. There is a random family story of a group of human beings that will randomly become entangled with the transformers (we saw that already in the previous 3 movies!)

2. There is a secret agency plotting to destroy or at least control the Transformers (yep, it happened three times already)

3. There is a powerful business corporation trying to profit out of the Transformers technology (it happened already on Transformers Dark of the Moon)

4. The Transformers have been long enough with us on earth. Even before us.(it happened already on Transformers 2 & 3)

5. There is a conspiracy involving the government, secret agencies, powerful business men and aliens AKA Transformers (fuck! it fucking happened already for god's sake Michael Bay!)

6. Megatron must be fucking immortal! (he's been killed three times already and he keeps coming back!)

7. The presence of a sexy looking girl who adds nothing to the plot (my god!)

Yeah, Even I don't know why I'm on this movie.

Nicola Peltz in the flesh.

Alright, I admit it, there are a few new things and I also made a list:

1. The military are nowhere to be seen on this film. Not even when the robots are fucking blowing sky high a city. Perhaps, they quit their jobs and move on to some more interesting activities like crocheting with grandma. 

2. None of the original cast from the previous movies are here. Not even a cameo.

3. Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Megatron transform into new cars/trucks so that you can get the new toy (they transform into old vehicles and then newer vehicles, so you have to buy them both, what are you waiting for! go now!)

4. The Dinobots! (why the fuck weren't they summoned in earlier films?) Get those toys boy!

The latest internet meme is here!

Overall, Transformers: Age of Extinction is a horrible mess of a movie and a complete waste of time and money. The previous Transformers movies were a guilty pleasure and scratched a very specific itch for a very specific audience but this one doesn't even do that while inheriting all the flaws of its predecessors. It takes a special kind of idiot to mess up something so simple but Michael Bay does it with aplomb. Hopefully, the title "Age of Extinction", will lead to Bay quitting film making. I for one, got my fingers crossed...

Here's the movie trailer: