Superman IV, the Quest for Peace

Christopher Reeve's final flight.

The final entry in the Superman franchise had a weird flavour, partly sweet, partly bitter "Superman IV, The Quest for Peace" locked all chances of continuing with the DC's finest man franchise. Hated by thousands, loved only by a few, the fourth instalment is not as bad as it seems, and it hasn't aged as bad as the previous films. Don't believe me? I'll give the reasons why this movie was a good movie and why you shouldn't give a fuck about the minor issues the film has. 

Almost 5 years have passed by since Superman III, and in a way the audiences didn't seem to be quite interested in seeing Superman fighting criminals du jour. The Supergirl spin off, didn't go as well as expected and corporate lords Alexander & Illya Salkind were through with the caped wonder, and I bet, they were rich enough to not give a damn about a new Superman/Supergilr movie. So, bringing a new Superman movie to life wasn't easy peasy. Produced by a bunch of relativelye unknown people (Graham Easton, Yoram Globus, Menahem Golan & Michael J. Kagan) and fairly directed by Sidney J. Furie, the movie does have plenty of good stuff to make you want to believe a man can fly once more.

If Superman has the kiss of forgiveness power, why doesn't he fuck Lois all the time?

Up, up and away!

Fuck politics!

The Good Stuff

Superman IV, the Quest for Peace, has several elements that make it a more serious approach when it comes to fighting as a superhero. For the first time, Superman is required to interfere with wrong global human decisions. You see, there's this nuclear dissarm summit that fails miserably, and while politicians can't do a thing (just like in real life isn't it?) they decide it is time to become "second to none" in the nuclear race, so it is up to Superman to set things straight and save humankind from our neverening ability for being stupid above all things.  Having a storyline based on putting an ultimatum to the nuclear business is serious business, and in the movie Superman has no problem stating he's going to "what politicians have been unwilling or unable to do" oh man, that line is worth the whole movie profits! Boy, I would pay all the gold in the world for having a real life Superman willing to finish the job properly.

Meet my son Superman.

All hail me!

Also, in part IV we finally get to see Superman fighting someone worth his time & money: Nuclear Man! a monster created by Lex Luthor superior science knowledge. Somehow I believe Nuclear Man was meant to be the original Bizarro character, and perhaps they just didn't have enough Benjamins to afford paying for another DC Comics character license (When Nuclear Man was being developed, Christopher Reeve was approached to play that part as Superman's polar opposite, or a darker version of Bizarro) Nuclear Man is created from a mixture of  a pack of nuclear bombs & a single Superman's hair (yeah, weird science) So once Superman rids earth of all the nuclear garbage he can, accidentaly that inspires Lex Luthor to build his ultimate weapon. The guy doesn't have many lines, he's more into "destroy Superman" as he constantly repeats through the film. He's not a bad character, he almost kills  Superman. In fact, Superman becomes ill for the very first time, due to the extremely strong radiation he's been exposed to when fighting Luthor's favorite toy.

Oh, wait! There's more! There is another story, related to good old Clark Kent who's facing the new world order at his very humble farm in Smallville. It just so happens, everyone's selling their farms 'cause there's big money in exchange and Smallville needs to have a new FuckMart shopping mall to which Clark's response is "I want to sell it to farmers only" which translates as "fuck you corporate assholes, I'm against consume campaigns" 

How big are you, I mean how tall are you Kent?

Clark Kent, the first hipster.

This is the kind of girl Clark Kent can fuck anytime.

Want more? Well, Clark Kent's pre-hipster style finally pays off! as his new boss Miss, Lacy Warfield (played by Mariel Hemingway gal) fells deeply in love with the man, and desperately wants to have his weenie in her twat.

Finally, the action sequences are very well done, despite the limitations they had with a low budget (The movie's original budget was $36 million. Just before filming was to begin, Cannon Pictures, which was experiencing financial problems, slashed the budget to $17 million. As a result, the filmmakers cut corners by doing things like reusing special effects). Superman flies, uses his X-ray vision, fights in the air with Mr. Nuclear Man, saves the chinese great wall, saves the day in Pompey, and tours the moon kicking Nuclear man's ass.

Check me out, this is the only film you'll see about me.

Men on the moon.

Gimme five.

The Bad Stuff

Weird Science has always been a relevant issue when it comes to the Superman franchise. This time, with no further explanations we come across some freaky stuff:

Lex Luthor is able to cut through the piece of Superman's hair holding the heavy weight with a regular pair of bolt cutters, even though Supes' hair should be totally indestructible (like him), and Lex' cutters have no Kryptonite blades, which would enable him to cut the normally uncutable hair.

Lex Luthor's hideout is supposed to be at the top of the "Metropolis State Building" (stated in the deleted scene of the creation of the 1st Nuclear Man, in the Special Features section of the DVD). When Nuclear Man crashes through the floor to find Lacy Warfield, not only are he and Superman supposed to be in a different building (the canopy outside says "Metropolis Tower"), but the room is clearly the set for Lex Luthor's lair.

So, have you heard about Pedobear, Jeremy?

Sniffing this stuff is great!

This girl is deep throat. She swallowed a lot of air to be flying in space.

In Superman and Superman II Lex Luthor wears a wig because he is completely bald. In this film, Lex is balding (as Gene Hackman was in real life). 

Lacey Warfield survives leaving earth's atmosphere, The depths of space, and reentry. How is that possible!!!

Overall, an entertaining act not to be taken so seriously, after all it is just a movie. I definitely recommmend you to get/rent the special edition DVD released in 2005. It comes with revealing commentaries about the issues the actors & film producers had to go through to get the go on the project. Besides, it comes with a selection of 15 deleted scenes, one of my favorites being, the original nuclear man creation and later fight with big S. You won't believe your eyes and ears, cause the original nuclear man has nothing to do with the one that finally made it in the movie.

And as a final thought, it is said that Christopher Reeve would later direct & produce a Superman V that, of course, didn't make it due to the bad results Superman IV had in theaters. Also, it was thought, that Christopher Reeve would return as Superman in a The Death of Superman film that became nothing but speculations after the sad accident that had Reeve changing his life forever.

Here's the movie trailer:

Superman III

Superman, spitting images & hackers.

Continuing with the caped wonder movie saga we come to 1983 to meet with Superman III, originally titled "Superman V/S Superman" but, then retitled simply to Superman III to avoid a lawsuit by the copyright owners of "Kramer V/S Kramer". In the past entry, and in many places on the internet you will find plenty of opinions agreeing Richard Lester should have never directed anything but schoolplays. In a way, they're kind of right as the original Superman II, directed by Richard Donner was supposed to be some kind of masterpiece that was eventually blasted into oblivion and completed and/or replaced by Richard Lester's approach. Anyways, we discussed that matter in the previous entry.

"Never wore the same pair of socks twice"

I'm a hacker brother!

Wait till you get a load of my superpussy Superman.

Believe it or not, Superman III, despite all the critics around it, it is indeed a very entertaining movie which delivers all sorts of flavours. It has comedy, it has action, it has hi-tech computers (for those days anyways) it has fair special effects, it has corporate villains,  it has several plots and it has a surprise element that makes it my cup of tea. Now, considering we're in the year 2012 (you know, we're used to have ultimate CGI special effects and a more serious approach in terms of what comes to describe scientific facts) watching Superman III for the first time may not give you the right kicks, , so I guess this movie will be greatly apreciated if you watched it with someone who was actually there when the movie came out in 1983. 

Superman III, is not only set in Metropolis (where most of the action happens) it is now also set in Smallville, as Clark Kent returns to his hometown for a little Class of '65 reunion where he would write a report about it to post later for his Daily Planet job. Obviously, he meets with his longtime friend Lana Lang (perfectly played by Annette O'Toole) and share fond memories from the good old days, and let me tell you, Annete O'Toole plays a perfect Lana Lang, she definitely knows how to portray the little town girl who's kind of get stucked in her life and simply can't get out of the little town no more.  And what about Lois Lane? Well, since Margot Kidder publicly stated she didn't like Richard Donner being fired in Superman II, she gets only a 12 lines intervention and then we see her by the very end of the movie. The plot says she's to go on vacations to Bermuda (funny, cause when she comes back, her boss, Mr. Perry White says how good is she was in the Caribbean) 

Nice rock nigga.

Can you handle my cum load in your mouth blondie?

Johnnie Walker, keep walking.

Got a headache!

Then, in the antagonist role we have a character specially created for the film.   There was some talk about having Brainiac & Mr. Mxyzptlk as the villains and  having a brief Supergirl appearance too. However, none of that happened and they chose to have a brand new character, a corporate mastermind known as Ross Webster. Hey! wait a minute! a corporate mastermind you say? Isn't that a little like Lex Luthor? yes, indeed, but believe me, Robert Vaughn (the guy who plays Ross Webster) delivers a very original rendition of the character that will not remind you of Lex Luthor. Besides, he's helped out by his nazi like sister Vera (played by Annie Ross) and when he feels like getting his cock sucked dry, he gets help from his bombshell girlfriend Lorelei (played by Pamela Stephenson) But still, he can't make it in the new world of computerized rules, so he hires Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) an average office guy who happens to have extra knowledge about computing and he's able of making computers do whatever he wants them to do (though if you look close at the monitors you'll just find print orders)

Lana Lang, Superman's red head fantasy.

Someone shagged her before Superman.

Dogfood tastes great Lana!

so, good old Superman has a new menace to deal with, but wait! not just yet! cause Webster and his team know for sure Superman can be a real pain in the ass, so they must stop him before, he stops them. Gus Gorman, using his hacker natural talent gets the kryptonite formula (?) and builds a perfect replica of the alien rock (well, not so perfect, he mismatches one ingredient) Once Superman is given the rock in Smallville, nothing happens, nothing. Later, something does happen. as Gus Gorman replaced the unknown ingredient with tar, Superman starts to behave like he was going nuts, and eventually becomes the antagonist himself. Obviously, no one can stop Superman, so he sort of do whatever he wants and gets away with it at ease. Obviously, the bad Superman is not meant to last and in an epic battle sequence, he turns himself in two. On the good side we have Clark Kent, and on the mean we have this Superman with the dirty suit, beard, and booze breath. I won't spoil it to you guys in case you still haven't seen the movie, but the battle is great, I was fucking blowned away when I first saw it being a kid, and I'm still blown away whenever I rewatch the film.

Robogirl!

This is it for you nigga!

Once Superman recovers, he must fix all the trouble he's made and then, he goes to face his final goal: Webster, his goons and a supercomputer.

Overall, a great movie for those who were kids in 1983. I couldn't recommend it to 21st  century kids as they're so used to CGI and stuff. However, watching it for the historical significance this movie has, would definitely make it a good trip.

Here's the movie trailer:

Superman II

Superman's back.

Superman II was already in the works when the original movie hit worldwide theaters. The idea was to build a saga behind the big S guy, but for some human reasons things didn't go as orginally expected and though changes weren't noticed by us (almost 30 years passed until we finaly saw the Richard Donner Superman II cut, release) The Sequel director, Mr. Richard Lester was not sympathetic to the epic look that original director Richard Donner had given the original Superman movie. Imposing his own control over the Superman saga, Lester took advantage of the death of Donner's cinematographer, Oscar-winner Geoffrey Unsworth, to stamp his own look on the sequel. 

I am the last son of krypton, do you hear me!

Lester decided to scrap most of Unsworth's footage, which created an epic stateliness through the use of a gliding camera and unique colors for different locations, and hired potboiler director Michael Winner's cinematographer, Robert Paynter, to create a comic book-style that would evoke Superman's roots in comic books. Lester deliberately wanted to break the stylistic "American epic" mold created by Donner and, with Paynter, set out to recreate the look and feel of a comic book. For this reason, Lester did not use his own long-time collaborator, lighting cameraman David Watkin, as Watkin's photographic style was too classical, and thus not adaptable to a comic book aesthetic. Working with his Lester, Paynter and his camera operator Freddie Cooper developed a different type of framing from the original, but one that was ideal for their concept of a comic book film: They replaced Unsworth's gliding camera with horizontal panning and static framing to evoke comic books and comic strips, with their static frames that are crammed with people and objects. Similarly, the composition of shots the trio developed for 'Superman II (1980'. had objects and people crammed into the frame. To further emphasize comic book composition, the action was photographed from one angle, to give the film a desired flatness.

General Zod wishes to rule planet earth.

While Superman wishes to bone Lois' twat with his Superdick.

This film can be summed up in two words. Superman Trouble. That is the case. There are two versions of the film "Superman II." One is the vision of acclaimed director Richard Donner, full of color flourishes, and camera work by the late Geoffrey Unsworth. The second, is the vision put on director Richard Lester, by choice of the film's producers, Alexander and Ilya Salkind. Both the films contain the same story and characters, but each was shot with a different tone, different dialogue and footage, which clash with intention. So in the end, footage from each are woven into one movie which film buffs all over the world will notice is somewhat difficult to grasp. Due to the different directing styles of each director, the final cut of Superman II ends up being a cliche work of special effects, mismatched character analysis, and central themes. 

Leave earth alone and lemme fuck Lois easily!

The film deals with Superman and Lois falling in love, and the three super villains from the prologue of the first film landing on earth and ultimately trying to take over. Very intense stuff. But this is where we as an audience need to know all the facts, and here they are: The first version of Superman II, known as "Superman II: The Adventure Continues" was directed by Richard Donner and supposed to be straight forward with serious tones and action packed sequences. This version was shot simultaneously with the original "Superman" in 1977-78. Originally to be released back to back with the original, "Superman II" was filmed with vigorous explosions, dangerous situations, and tense, irrefutable drama. In the opening, a female liberation symbol, Lois Lane, tries to prove that Clark Kent is Superman by throwing herself out a window, knowing that Clark(Superman) will fly out and save her.

Eat dirt you scumbag!

In another scene, Superman gives up his powers and nearly kills himself, only to get them back later on, nearly killing himself again. This nailbittingly tense script brought back old characters and was to bring the original "Superman" to a full closure. All actors are fully concentrated and the print is a paragon. 80& of this film was finished when the producers fired director Donner due to some arguments that are still unknown to this day, and replaced him with director Richard Lester, and thusly, "Superman II: The Adventure Continues" was culminated. This is where the Richard Lester vision of the film comes into place. Simply titles "Superman II", the Richard Lester version is full of clumsy comedy, amateur plotting, and is nowhere near as affective as the Donner version. Lester is a comic director, whom had worked on the previous Beatles films, "Help" and "Hard Days Night" and had no experience directing any international blockbusters.

Nice sweater Lois!

To give him more credit than Richard Donner, the producers rewrote most of the footage that Donner shot and went in with the actors for re-shoots...even though Donner had already taken care of this! The villains are portrayed here as careless and comic, whereas in Donner's version they were cold as steel, and not to be messed with. In one re-shot scene, we see three villains who are Superman's foes land on earth and take interest in a snake. The snake bites the female villain and instead of showing her wrath on nature, as was seen in Donner's moon scene which she kills an innocent astronaut in cold blood, she sets the reptile on fire and giggles about it! Central themes of love and home were lost because of this as well. Because of budget problems and deadline, the producers could not finish the re-shoot and "Superman II", and had to fill the gaps with Donner footage from the vault, making "Superman II" confusing and abstruce, and that is what made "Superman II" an atavistic failure. 

Superman needs some human love after all.

70% of the film is clumsy, contrived comedy and useless violence, while 30% of the film is straight forward, full of munificent morals and such. The final cut has one scene showing the villains breaking into the white house and consequently taking over the world, with sheer John Williams music, the next scene you see them bored and incoherently complaining about being on a world where "mankind doesn't even resist." The first film "Superman" had morals of justice, and the American way, while the second film was supposed to show morals of love and home, and earthly pleasures that remind people of the good in the world-in a sense, taking along with the "truth, justice, and the American way." This message was lost between the footage by raconteur Donner and comic Lester. Nonetheless, the film was a box office success, and many critics, praised the film for it's portrayal of good versus evil in the modern day society. Some of the footage shot by Donner that was not put into the final cut of the film has since been seen on network television showings and bootlegs, but not all of it. The original opening which gave the film a better sense of dangerous excitement, scenes involving Kal-El and his father were scrapped (Due to the Marlon Brando court case) and the full original ending have all been locked away in London vaults and never before seen by anyone. So on the all in all level, "Superman II" fails because it is nothing more than two films put together, one a comedy, one an action drama, and this keeps "Superman II' from being anything close to what the original has become. 

Superman used his X-Ray vision and found out this Lois Lane.

Superman, you're a kinky hero.

However, the original Richard Donner cut has been (fortunately) officially released on November 28, 2006 on DVD and has recently been re-released in shiny Blu Ray format for HD lovers. Anyways, the choice of wheter the offical Richard Lester Superman II take is better than Richard Donner's original take it is a matter that you can answere yourselves. I for one, loved growing up next to the Superman movies and I didn't really care about the "true to the comic book" issue many criticize widely. 

Here's the movie trailer (the Richard Lester take) I promise the next review will deal with the original Superman II cut made by Richard Donner:

Superman

You'll believe a man can fly.

There is only one Superman for those who were born & raised in the late 70's and early 80's decades. If you're a part of those decades then you're with me on the following statement: Christopher Reeve was born to be the big screen Superman. Period. Released in 1978, and directed by one of my most respected film makers Mr. Richard Donner, Superman, the Movie was a blockbuster in all the possible senses such word can convey. Donner casted legendary actors to portray a serious aproach in a movie based on children comic books. Marlon Brando played a memorable Jor-El, while Gene Hackman on the other hand, portrayed the most wonderful criminal mind of all times: Lex Luthor. The supporting cast was also memorable, how could you forget about Margot Kidder and her amazing Lois Lane impersonation? and tell me about Mark McClure as Jimmy Olsen.

Hi, I'm Superman, and you're not. Get over it!

Purists may think the film isn't true to original source, but certainly no other version of the legend has had such a lasting impact as this one. Nor has any other telling of the tale been as thorough and ambitious as that put forth by Director Richard Donner and Story writer Mario Puzo. Add to that the utterly inspired (and inspiring) score by John Williams, and you have a dose of that good old movie magic. Even the opening credits manage to raise your adrenaline levels, as the Superman symbol soars through space across the screen and Williams' opening theme perfectly builds to a masterful crescendo. It will make you want to stand up from your couch and soar out of the nearest window, though I don't recommend it if you live on anything above the first floor.

Up, Up and away!

The film begins on Superman's home world of Krypton, a dazzling planet dotted by crystalline cities which, combined again with William's incredible theme music, seem to present an image of heaven itself. A super-race of highly advanced beings, the Kryptonians' only weakness is their pride, as the infant Superman's father, Jor-el points out. It is that pride that leads them to ignore Jor-el's warnings that the planet is doomed by an impending supernova. In a last ditch effort to save his son, as well as some remnant of his race, he sends his infant son Kal-el to the planet Earth in a deep space probe. Marlon Brando, in the role of Jor-el, gives one of his best performances. His role is the stuff of Hollywood legend, since he was paid 4 million dollars for his role of about 10 minutes, but despite his exorbitant fee and minimal screen time, his performance is no less worthy.

Lex Luthor and his idiot servant.

The probe crashes in a farmer's field in the early 1950's, to be discovered by the Kents, with Glen Ford in the role of Pa Kent. Though he seems to have even less screen time than Brando, his role as the young Superman's moral example is no less pivotal to the story. Superman's childhood and most of his teen years are completely skipped over, however, Jeff East gives an excellent portrayal of the teen Clark Kent, who is only beginning to discover the real extent of his powers. 

Once Superman rescues Lois Lane, he becomes known to the world.

Most of the supporting cast equally distinguish themselves. Gene Hackman creates a charming and amusing villain in Lex Luthor, and while Margot Kidder's portrayal of Lois Lane is a bit forced and grating at times, she still shines with a kind of charm, and it is always fun to watch her slip from the tough-as-nails reporter to the flustered schoolgirl every time the Man of Steel hits the scene. If you still don't like her performance, watch the "Lois Lane screen tests" in the special features section of the DVD, which includes tryouts by various prominent actresses of the day. After watching them, I think you'll agree that the filmmakers made the right casting choice.

Eventually, Lois Lane gets to interview the mysterious caped wonder.

But of course, the person we will remember the most is Christopher Reeve as Superman, and this is the way he should be remembered. It was certainly his greatest role, and although he overplayed the nerdy and fumbling Clark Kent, and his Superman sometimes pauses to deliver silly platitudes, he does so with an air of wry amusement. He may act like a goody two-shoes, but mostly he just seems to be having a good time showing off, and damn it, why shouldn't he? He's Superman, after all. If I could fly, you could damn well bet I'd be showing off too. This is confirmed in a brief but enjoyable restored scene in which, after saving Lois Lane and the President, as well as foiling several crimes, Superman flies back to his Fortress of Solitude to discuss it with his "Father", or rather, the persona of Jor-el which has been preserved in memory crystals and sent to earth with the infant Kal-el, so that he could benefit from Jor-el's knowledge and wisdom. He admonishes his son that, while it is natural to enjoy being able to show off his powers, he must learn to be humble and keep his vanity in check.

Margot Kidder, the first big screen gal to which I fell in love with.

It is surprising how little moments of restored footage such as this one seem to breathe much more life into the characters, giving them a depth not seen in their previous cinematic incarnation. And while the film is a tale of the power of good, it is ultimately a tribute to the power of love. It is love that makes Superman more vulnerable than even kryptonite, love that makes him betray his Kryptonian father's admonition to "never interfere with human history", and love that makes him truly human. 

Eve Teschmacher, Luthor's right boob, I mean hand!

Though it is nearly an hour into the film before Superman finally makes his first heroic and world-stunning appearance, it is well worth the wait. The action gets more and more exciting, rivaling anything that today's action counterparts, like "The Mummy Returns" can dish out. The effects, though antiquated by today's overblown CGI standards, are still impressive and manage to maintain their looks and grace in their old age. As Lex Luthor launches a diabolical plan involving hijacked twin nuclear missiles, the subsequent chase, followed by Superman's efforts to save an Earthquake-ravaged California, are breathtaking even by today's standards.

Valerie Perrine, a bombshell.

Like the superhero of title, the film itself is not without its weaknesses. In trying to keep in touch with its vintage comic book roots, it can be a tad cornball at times, and occasionally gets bogged down by what I call the "golly gee-whiz" factor. Yet it does so in a very tongue-in-cheek manner, retaining enough adult sophistication and genuine drama to keep it from lapsing into a mere kiddy show or a parody of the source material. In fact, the film has several surprisingly mature nuances. If, like me, you hadn't seen this film since you were a kid, then you will be in a much better position to fully enjoy the subtleties of the film now. (i.e, Lois Lane, in her rooftop interview of Superman asks "How big are you . . . er, I mean . .. how TALL are you". I obviously missed that as a kid, because it had me rolling with laughter this time around. 

Margot Kidder was also a bombshell.

But despite a few loose threads in the cape and tights, The Man of Steel remains quite intact and appropriately larger than life. It is therefore fitting that this film has been re-mastered and re-released in collector's two-sided DVD format. The sound and picture quality are excellent, wiping away the tarnish of age and making the film shine again. Some of the many features include the aforementioned restored footage (about 10-15 minutes worth), a few additional deleted scenes (which, I thought, should have been restored into the film as well), commentary by director Richard Donner, the Lois Lane screen tests, specials on the making and origins of the film, and a music-only track (well worth the price of the DVD alone).

Margot Kidder nude, a 70's beauty.

If you haven't seen this movie since you were a kid, and you want to feel like a kid again, rent it now. If you've never seen it at all, then the release of this DVD has taken away your last excuse. You will believe a man can fly.

Here's the movie trailer:

The Avengers XXX, a Porn Parody

Parodies have certainly saved porn industry.

Porn parodies are nothing new (we've been having them since the golden era of VHS tapes) but we’ve definitely entered a day when a Hollywood film and its smutty cousin can achieve, shall we say, simultaneous release. Vivid entertainment has a long term relationship with science fiction porn parodies. Although, they have mostly made films about superheroes, they recently extended their catalogue with other sci-fi classics such as Star Wars.

I’m a comics nerd and, as such, I watched The Avengers movie in glorious 3D in theaters and then rewatch it like a couple of extra times, and yes, I think the Blu-Ray/DVD release of the film scheduled for september is too far from where we are today, and I'm anxious enough as to look for  ‘The Avengers XXX,’ parody to make the waiting a little more pleasant. I really wanted to watch it, but I know a thousand interesting ways to use my credit card for, and none of those thousand ways include paying for a porn movie. Also, I wouldn't like to see my wife seeing the bill. Luckily, there is always a way though...

Hawkeye likes training with Natasha Romanoff, you know.

Hawkeye trains his tongue into fighting russian spies' pussies.

The Widow trains capturing cocks with her giant vagina.

Aren't these the heroes we deserve?

‘The Avengers XXX’ is, in its own way, surprisingly knowledgeable about the Marvel Universe. Its authors clearly had their hands on some funnybooks in their day. The story begins with Bruce Banner naked in the desert after a big brawl with Abomination in Las Vegas.(just like the fight they actually had in comic books) 

We then move to New York City and a secret meeting held by Nick Fury of S.H.E.I.L.D.(no  I didn't mispell it) Hawkeye is there and his complaints about the low-rent nature of the digs help to explain away the obvious inconsistency of this secret agency bunkering in a cold room with zero technology. In fact, it is Hawkeye the one who utters one of the most memorable lines of the film “The Fantastic Four get the Baxter Building and we get an old abandoned warehouse. . .”

Nick Fury's secret shaft attack.

Some Battle! The mighty Thor against She-Hulk's mighty twat.

Miss Marvel shares some pussy love with Scarlet Witch.

So, the opening scene (the one with the most talking I might add) introduces some, but not all of the characters. Nick Fury goes around the table to say hello to everyone. He calls Carol Danvers Miss Marvel, which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like (it’s MS. Marvel!) and he flat out ignores Sharon Carter, who is sitting right next to him. (Maybe this is part of his mindgame, because you won’t believe what she does to him later to ensure he doesn’t forget her.) 

Anyway, the mission is clear: they must stop the Hulk. The group starts to bicker so Scarlet Witch silences all sound frequencies but her own so she can yell at them all. And that's mostly it for the storyline. After everyone's understood what they gotta do, they go about their business and you know their business means fuck the shit out of your partner as soon as you can, so yes, we come to mind that this is another porn parody and not a superhero movie. However, that doesn't mean this movie sucks. In fact, the hottest superhero porn parodies, speaking of high quality standards, come from Vivid Entertainment, so you're in for a rollercoaster ride of fun.   

MS Marvel's marvelous twat.

Some lesbo superhero action.

Scarlet Twat.

Overall, ‘The Avengers XXX, a Porn Parody’ ain’t bad for what it is, a porn parody. Thor’s moment of brooding mentions Hela’s Realm and the Midgard Serpent, keeping in line with ‘Thor’ being the movie with the most amount of Easter Eggs. I can’t deny that the young woman who plays Carol Danvers, one Lexi Swallow, is a natural – and Danni Cole’s Scarlet Witch shows a keenness to please that is typical from a daughter of an evil father. I can’t say the whole film works as more than a collection of porn scenes, and has nothing compared to the climax in Joss Whedon’s picture, which I think is the greatest superhero movie of all times.

Here's the all audiences movie trailer: