X-Men: Apocalypse

The apocalypse of the X-Men franchise is finally here.

I know I said we were kinda tired of posting about superhero films but here we are again, back at it for spammy reasons. People who bashed Terminator Genisys (one of our most popular reviews of last year) for its time travel alteration of a beloved time line will have no balls to complain about the same issue in today's entry. Superhero movies are still in the spotlight and posers love to brag about how up to date they're with the latest trends.  

Today's review, X-Men: Apocalypse has a lot in common with Terminator Genisys not just in a single way, but in many ways. The former was made to attract newer generations into the myth of a well known universe with a 30 something years old fan base. The original X-Men films date back as far as the year 2000, so updating things without messing up time lines can be a tricky task even for his original film maker.

Alright team, this time we'll get it right.

Singer trying to come up with superhero suits.

Bryan Singer is not a great film maker, he barely makes it as an average director and to put it in business terms, because superhero films are big business these days, watching a Bryan Singer film can be best described as line stretching. Line stretching (as defined by the Business Dictionary) is Increasing the number of products within an existing product range with similar products that have additional or different features. When a business already has a well established brand, it can use line stretching to expand its product line and help increase its market share without having to develop substantially new products. The final line sums up exactly what watching X-Men Apocalypse is.

 

Understanding the film industry is all about business, the line stretching concept justifies hiring people like Michael Bay and Bryan Singer as film makers. Their job is to put minimum effort into expanding a franchise without substantial matter at all. Boy aren't they lucky, are they? Getting paid for doing a terrible job!

Although the first two X-Men films did have a moderate impact in the early 2000's (spawning other superhero films like Daredevil, Hulk, The Fantastic Four & Ghost Rider) Calling these movies influential & ground breaking is a big fat lie.

The new meh villain.

Angel & Storm are bad guys now?

The X-Men universe Bryan Singer built in the early 2000's was that of a realistic take on racial discrimination against people with a unique origin, or shall I say quality? The cool looking superhero suits were all replaced by black leather, and some of the signature features of the characters were gone for the sake of a PG rating and selling a lot of ugly toys. 

Move things back to the future and by the second half of the 21st century superhero films are as big as yer momma's ass. 2014's X-Men Days of Future Past brought Singer back into action with your favorite mutants BUT as usual, his characters are his own creation, or as I'd prefer to put it, his X-Men are his own disrepectful as fuck creation. Everyone, or most of the comic book readers are clearly aware of the Days of Future Past story arc as one of the best X-Men comic books ever but, the guy who gave Superman Returns couldn't care less so he profited on the name of a serious legacy, he's the click bait bitch of Hollywood.

X-Men Apocalypse opens up with the origin story of Apocalypse and how he's been able to move from century to century until he's ready to conquer the world by finding the most powerful mutants and making them even more powerful. Once he does that, he's off to Charles  Xavier school to either convince him of joining forces or destroying him and his students. The obvious thing happens, hence the battle of good versus evil is on again. However, don't think this is a negative review, this is an honest review, we're neither official media nor have we been paid to advertise a certain point of view (it happens more frequently than you think, specially with the movie & music industry)

They completely ignored my earlier movie appearances!

Looks aren't everything Psylocke.

Anyways, X-Men Apocalypse, has its charms. Quicksilver being my favorite character from DOFP, returns with more on screen time, which is a clever move by Singer, as he delivers the most entertaining scenes with a light hearted character that enjoys his superpowers  and is always willing to help those in need with no hesitation. The other new additions are mediocre at most. Unless we're talking about the new takes on Jean Grey & Scott Summers which explain their origin story as well as finally making it up for the old Cyclops seen in the first two X-Men films. James McCvoy's Charles Xavier & Michael Fasbender's Magneto are the best written characters out of the two latest X-Men movies. These guys were made for the role, and it shows. The other strong character, although it resembles nothing the source material is Jennifer Lawrence's Mystique. She steals the show every time we see her in the emotional scenes. The rest of the characters, including the new additions and Apocalypse are simply meh! Their personalities are utterly derivative and will not stay in your mind for long. As for plot twists or original story telling, I'm afraid nope, there isn't anything surprising here. Still, there are a few references to previous X-Men films that work very well, you know, the flashback scenes, and those linking X-Men Apocalypse to characters from the original X-Men trilogy. 

Another charm the film has is references to pop culture, specially 80's pop culture. You have Quicksilver playing Ms. Pac-Man, watching Knight Rider and saving the day while the background song is the god awful 80's shit Sweet Dreams by the even shittier Eurythmics. In addition, there's a movie theater scene where Jubilee, Jean Grey, Nightcrawler (dressed with Michael Jackson's Thriller red leather jacket) & Cyclops have just finished watching Return of the Jedi. The comments about how sequels suck, specially a third sequel, are hilarious, until you're at the very end of the film and realize this scene also fits the movie you're watching. 

Thank god he's back!

Younger & better versions of beloved characters.

Now, let's get down to the real reason I compare Terminator Genesys, to the new Bryan Singer X-Men movies: Messing with timelines is always a big thing, and fan boys do not forgive (Unless, it's Back to the Future or Dr. Who, nonetheless) These new X-Men films, clearly have nothing to do with comic book X-Men, so set that aside, X-Men Apocalypse feels like a forced sequel that desperately tries to cover every plot hole and establish connections with the whole X-Men franchise (yes, even including Wolverine's solo films)  The simpler the plot, the better the experience. When things are this tangled up, the presence of Quicksilver feels like a creme brulee passing softly through your esophagus, because the main course is rusty nails! 

Out of all 2016 superhero films the ranking, if rankings are your thing, are all clear now. The first place it's taken by Captain America: Civil War, second place is Deadpool and nobody cares about third and fourth but, I'd say there's an honorable mention to Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice for trying and that's 2016 for me.  Suicide Squad? ha! you've gotta be kidding! I'm sure that one will suck greasy balls.

Finally, a decent Cyclops!

I'm a bad guy just because.

All in all, everyone knows who the X-Men are, or at least have a tad of knowledge that is enough to watch this movie, even if you don't give a shit about comic books, or never read one just because you don't like reading. Is this essential viewing? no, not at all. In fact, if you don't watch it, you're not missing much. Fox studios have tried superhero films time after time and have failed time after time with Deadpool being the only exception (although the Deadpool movie feels like a one night stand, it's better than a lot of other superhero films around)

X-Men fans well, I'm sure they already know the only adaptation they consider nearly as good as the comic books is the 90's animated X-Men series, which despite not being that true to source, didn't drastically change the psyche of its characters, reason enough to praise it as a master piece. 

Verdict? X-Men Apocalypse is a mediocre derivative film at most, but everything that has the Bryan Singer signature on it, will inevitably be mediocre.

Here's the movie trailer, and no, I don't give a fuck about spoiler/no spoiler policies, you're all smart enough to wait. You'll find out the movie sucks sooner or later anyways. 

Trailer #1:

Trailer #2:

Trailer #3: