Cave Girl

The perfect woman from the past?

Yes! I know I've been an infidel posting about movies that are considered true masterpieces by award winning standards. I hope with today's entry I get your  forgiveness.

Today's entry has been made available in the DVD format in the Millcreek Entertainment 12 movie pack collection Too Cool For School, and follows the story of a man looking for the perfect woman, how original isn't it? 

1985's Cave Girl is is not an entertaining film, believe it or not it even lacks the 'so-bad-it's-entertaining' elements which similar 80's films did provide.

The storyline follows Rex, a nerd high-school student (bad choice for the actor cause he looks way old to be a teen) who happens to be an incredibly annoying main character, charmless. On a field trip he manages to find some kind of ancient power crystal which transports him back to the stone-age. Here he meets and falls in love with a curly blonde hot chick that looks more like an 80’s girl than an actual cave girl as the film title suggests.

These scene features good stuff.

Rex meets Eva.

The stupid stone age folks.

I almost invariably find something to like in these 1980's teen comedies, but Cave Girl is dire from start to finish. The attempts at humour are stupid failures, usually revolving around Rex nervously trying to introduce Eva to the delights of pre-adolescent fumbling. The other prehistoric people are a bunch of grunting, idiotic, down-and-outs with straggly hair and fur waistcoats that honestly look like background ornaments instead of being an actual support cast. In fact they only serve to pad out the narrative which runs out of ideas after the first 20 minutes and wanders aimlessly around until finally things stagger to a faltering conclusion.

When a fart joke and a sight-gag featuring blowing up a condom, provoke not the slightest response on yours truly, well you just know the movie fails miserably. Just when things seem to have reached their lowest, new depths are plunged into with a dire love song a la 80’s style on the soundtrack, as Rex loses Eva and wanders around forlornly trying to find her in the stone age.

Dude, this movie really is rubbish of the worst kind, the only features with any merit are the movie poster featuring the scantily clad Eva posing with a club over her shoulder; and the obvious exploitation early scene when Rex goes into the wrong changing rooms and is chased out by a group of topless girls; and the brief couple of seconds when Eva finally gets completely nude.

This is it.

Tits.

Curly Blonde and her tits.

Extra Tits.

Rex makes an immediate entry into my hit-list of the most irritating characters in film.

Overall, this like many B movies are a complete disrespect to the genre, but, If you think about it, on the positive side of things, this film can be watched while you’re having a party with your friends where you use your TV to display background images. I’m still wondering why many great B movies haven’t been re-released and yet we’re being fed with thousands of shitty movies screwing up movie packs and eventually screwing up our well-deserved entertainment on the idiot box.

Here’s the movie trailer:

That's it for today and remember, I watch this awful flicks to help you on choosing the worth watching B movies.