Austin Powers in Goldmember

Stick your goldmember up your ass!

I've said this before, and here I go again in case you didn't check our latest entry: the third instalment in the Austin Powers franchise it is just ok, and if you can skip it it will also be ok. While Austin Powers in Goldmember has its moments, such as the terrific opening credit scene (the best so far,) they are so few and far between making some of this movie's unbearable.

I didn't go to the theaters in 2002 as  I could have, I don't  remember the reason but I just didn't so, like many I waited for the home video release to rent it and enjoy it at home next to a cold glass of beer. After the movie was finished I spent most of the weekend looking for more beer and completely forgotten about the movie. The second time I watched it I thought "ok, let's give it one more try, maybe I was too tough with it"  so, Amazon had this "better together" special offer featuring the three films on DVD at $6 bucks and yep I bought the deal and I don't regret it cause the first two films blew my ass away with tons of laughter.

Enter Goldmember.

Beyonce neither can act nor she can sing.

This is an actor, and a sure plus in the film.

This time out, I got tricked. After being blown away by Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, nasty humour I was pumped up after the now-established opening dance scene of the third instalment. And I thought this would bring the series back on track. Unfortunately, it only goes straight downhill after that.

Austin captures Dr. Evil immediately in this chapter, but learns through a Hannibal Lecter/Magneto meeting that another Mike Myers's creation, Goldmember, is on the loose to cause havoc. Austin must race, literally, back in time, this time in the 1970's, to thwart Goldmember's plans. Back to the year 2002 he goes and everyone's where they're supposed to be situated to make an Austin Powers movie.

A few things have changed: Austin's dad (Caine) plays an important role, Scott becomes more evil while the always-scene-stealer Mini-Me loses some and more history of Austin and Dr. Evil's past is revealed.

Fat Bastard returns.

Fook Mi & Fook Yu

Foxxy Cleopatra dildoing.

Sure, the movie has its moments. Some parts I did laugh out loud. But for the most part, it was definitely getting stale, the jokes recycled and the newest, uh, member, Goldmember ,was unbearable to watch. Yeah, I know a lot of humor is gross-out jokes, but when he eats his skin (sorry, I never caught that spoof/reference) it's beyond nasty.

Again, it's worth maybe one viewing, but I have to almost say skip this one and pray, if they make a part IV, they'll attempt to reboot the series back to its hilarious roots. At least come up with some new jokes. 

Here's the movie trailer:

Austin Powers, the Spy Who Shagged Me

Oh behave!

I believe that the general consensus is that the first Austin Powers movie is the best of the bunch. I happen to disagree (as you can probably tell from my one-line-summary). I feel that the second film actually improves on the first film by adding a few new characters and generally cutting loose on the humor making it even more bizarre and funny than in the first film. I don't expect people to agree but at least hear me out as to why I think the second film is better.  

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me starts right after the first film left: In Austin's bedroom just after he's done fucking her wife Vanessa Kensington (once more played by Elizabeth Hurley) The problem is, Vanessa happens to be a fembot! (yeah, just like the ones they fought together in part 1) So, her obvious goal is to terminate with Austin's life, of course she fails and Austin will live another day. As soon as Mr. Powers contacts his boss Basil Exposition, he reports the situation to him and Exposition's reply is "yes, we knew it all along" suggesting us the huge amounts of non-sense humour are just about to begin. However, it does feel weird having such a screen bombshell as Elizabeth Hurley just for a few minutes to justify the character's inevitable death.

The script is very well written and it is not a reprise of the original film as many expected back then. This time Dr. Evil travels to the future, and in such future (1999) he will have to update his evil plans as to understand what to do with his neverending world domination cravings. For instance, once he "returns" to 1999, his number one guy, Number Two, explains him how succesful Dr. Evil's enterprise has become since their introduction to the stock market. Dr. Evil's hideout is now found in the Space Needle in Seattle, and their business is not killing. Instead, they own the Starbucks Coffee company and serve tasteful coffees at affordable prices. Of course, Dr. Evil doesn't quite understand this new world domination plan so he decides to travel back in time to steal Austin Powers' mojo...

Enter secret agent Felicity Shagwell.

Miss Humpalot.

Fat Bastard.

As I said a few new characters have been added to the roster and we get to see some older characters in new and exiting ways. The best addition to the character rooster is Mini-Me, Doctor Evil's clone, played brilliantly by Verne Troyer. Not only is he hilariously funny but he also brings out a different side to Doctor Evil which I found to be extremely funny. On a related note I found Doctor Evil to be much more interesting as a character in the second film than in the first. Probably because the Austin character had to be established in the first film. Second there is the addition of Fat Bastard, played by Myers himself. A lot of people have responded negatively to Fat Bastard but I found him quite funny in a very weird way. Mike Myers definitely took a step up the weird ladder when he came up with him. Elizabeth Hurley (as above mentioned) is written out of the script very early in the film and instead Heather Graham is introduced as Felicity Shagwell. Heather Graham is not as strong as Hurley was as Austin's love interest but she remains nice as eye-candy and what can you expect more than that. Seth Green pretty much reprises his role from the first film. Nothing much to come after there. 

The supporting cast is pretty much the same as in the first film except this time we get to see Number Two in a young version played by Rob Lowe who does an uncanny imitation of Robert Wagner. Mindy Sterling and Michael York returns in their respective parts as well. There are also quite a few cameos in the film. Including Tim Robbins, Woody Harrelson, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and many more.

Dr. Evil & his clone (pocket size anyways)

These guys are not only partners in crime.

There's always time for a dance.

The film still spoofs Bond obviously and the title in itself is of course a reference to The Spy Who Loved Me and once again I find that no-one does it better than Myers. After the success of the first I think they gave Myers free reigns because a lot of the stuff in this film is pretty far out. An example could be the hilarious fight between Austin and Mini-Me and an equally funny scene in a tent. I won't reveal any more than that. Another thing is that the overall effects seem much more polished this time around which is probably also caused by the success of the previous film.

The story is pretty much non-existent which I found to be an improvement over the previous film which actually attempted to incorporate a story rather than just be all out fun. In fact there is a scene in which both Basil Exposition & Austin Powers discuss which year would be the most apropiate for the time travel like for instance going back in time just before Fat Bastard steals Austin's mojo out of his frozen body, of course they know doing so would make the film pointless so they don't do it and Austin travels back in time just after Fat Bastard has escaped hoping to catch him before he trades Austin's mojo with Dr. Evil. 

Felicity Shagwell likes to show off her sexy body.

Felicity Shagwell big shaved twat.

Do ya like me nude Mr. Powers?

Humour is also updated, and we get tons of laughs through different means. For example, Dr. Evil's satellite looks nothing like but a pair of tits, and his rocket looks just like a dick (balls included) that starts a non stop chain of penis nicknames that will blow you away haha! Not to mention the hilarious shadow play scene, how Dr. Evil rips off 90's songs in the sixties and Mustafa!

Just to make sure you're gonna love this film as much as my wife & I did check this memorable quotes:

Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel : What is it, son?
Radar Operator : I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot : Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot : Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman : Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man : [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman : Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant : Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire : Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire : What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher : Wang. pay attention.
Wang : I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician : Willie.
Willie : Yeah?
Musician : What's that?
Willie : [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel : Johnson.
Radar Operator : Yes, sir?
Colonel : Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this. 

All in all I think it is a matter of taste. Either you prefer the first or you prefer the second but you should definitely give this film a try just for the heck of it.

All in all for me, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is my favorite out of the trilogy, and I'd say part 1 would be the runner up winner, while part 3 is just a fair farewell movie.

Haven't watched it yet? go get it tiger!

Here's the movie trailer:

Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery

Groovy babe!

In a time when we are almost constantly barraged with goofy spoof films, it's amazing that no one had come out with a spoof of the James Bond films until 1997. Those movies have been coming out and just BEGGING to be spoofed since the early 60s, and Mike Meyers is the one who finally steps forward to do what simply has to be done, and he does a wonderful job at it.

Fans of the James Bond films will have a blast looking for all of the allusions to the old Bond films and trying to determine which Bond film is being spoofed at any given time, but it's important to keep in mind that the film pokes fun at the Bond series in good taste. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is never disrespectful to the films that it makes fun of, which is probably the single most important thing about a spoof film that makes it good. This is why the Scary Movies, as just a couple of examples, were such dismal, hideous failures. They try to be funny by viciously making fun of all kinds of movies, and end up looking stupid because they have such a nonexistent right to do that. You can't make a stupid, stupid movie and make fun of a lot of great movies (and some not so great, admittedly) and try to pretend to be respectable at the end of it all. That's the recipe for a crapfest.

One armed secret agent.

Doctor Evil.

Packed with a pair of big boobs &  a wet twat.

While it's true that a lot of the comedy in the first Austin Powers film is slapstick and obviously contrived, I think it should be a testament to the quality of the film that it is still so funny! We see all of the traditional Bond clichés in this movie, such as the usual one-liners (which are made fun of extensively and with spectacular effect here), the fancy cars, the goofy cockiness, the teeth-grinding theme song, and the occasionally inexplicable popularity with the women (this allusion makes most sense when compared to those Bond films that starred Roger Moore).

The plot involves a rivalry between Dr. Evil, an evil mastermind bent on world domination, and Austin Powers, a mockish caricature of James Bond, bent on stopping Dr. Evil's world domination schemes. Meyers portrays both characters with hilarious skill, making Austin an awkward womanizer with some serious dental problems, and Dr. Evil an evil schemer with a hilarious cutesy side. Neither character really seems like they belong in the role that they serve (as a spy and a doctor of evil), which is where a lot of the comedy comes in. There is also, of course the fact that they both spend most of the movie 30 years in their future, completely out of touch with the new world that they live in.

Number 2 is Dr. Evil´s right hand.

Sexy Fembots with machine gun nipples & bazooka pussies.

Jacuzzi sexual fart.

This is not a movie to be taken seriously, and quite frankly, I can't understand all of these reviews that I've read on the IMDb that are constantly complaining that Austin Powers is so cheesy or so childish. I've heard this same complaint about lots of other movies that are also not meant to be taken seriously, but this one is especially confusing. I trust that all you people complaining about how childish Austin Powers is realize that it is a spoof based on a whole series of movies that are also not meant to be taken seriously, right? I mean, that would be a hell of an oversight to miss that little detail. Austin Powers is one of the most refreshing comedies to come along in years, and it's sad that there are so many people who completely missed the boat on this one just because they pretend that the movie is something that it's not and was never meant to be. It's true that the movie is immensely immature and that it has unfortunately little re-watch value (one of the biggest problems with the film), but the quality of the comedy is unmistakable. And things get even better in the sequel Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me...

Yes, it is actually my name.

Alotta Fagina stickers.

Overall,  a very entertaining film that does accomplish what has been promised. The acting by Mike Myers in the lead & antagonist role is plane perfect. Randy secret agent Austin Powers was definitely written for Myers and so was the antagonist Doctor Evil. Elizabeth Hurley as Power's sidekick Vanessa Kensington steals the show bringing the capital S in Sexy. The rest of the cast of course does a very good job bringing to life clichéd spy movies characters, and speaking of characters here's a list of some of their funniest names: Basil Exposition, Alotta Fagina, Random Task, Mustafa, Ming Tea, and the list will get better &  better in the sequels.

Would I recommend it? of fucking course! this movie is a must, and I gotta tell ya I had the chance of buying the 3 movies at a bargain and I'm seriously considering getting a copy  of the recently released Blu-Ray trilogy. I guess, everyone with a sense of humor can watch it from start to finish. However, if you're not into the pun intended humour this may not be suitable for you, you stupid republican numbnuts. Anyways, next entry will definitely be about the sequel with hottie Heather Graham as Felicity Shagwell.

Here's the movie trailer:

Terminator

He's here.

Rarely has a film so frightened an audience as "The Terminator." After its release in 1984, the extremely low-budget sci-fi actioner broke box office records, and gave audiences something more to fear. Through the years, there have been stories of nature's beasts, of creatures from another world, and so on and so forth. "Jaws" was terrifying because it seemed so possible. And if "Jaws" is terrifying, "The Terminator" is horrific. The realization of this hit-man machine dawned on everyone watching the film. In a time of exceeding technology, how long will it be before man is overtaken by the very things he created? And that is what is particularly scary about a film like "The Terminator."

In "The Terminator," Arnold plays a cyborg, Cyberdyne system model 101, a T800, whatever that means. He has been sent back in time to assassinate the soon-to-be-mother of the future world leader, John Connor (who battles the machines in the future and leads an uprising). If Connor is killed, then there will be no one to oppose the machines of the future, and they will triumph. This would be pretty bad. So the future John Connor has sent a protector back in time, to help save his mother. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) tells Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) about the machine that is trying to kill her. "It can't be bargained with, it can't feel pain or mercy, and it will stop at absolutely nothing until you are dead!" Talk about a bad day.

Sarah Connor?

Kyle Reese, protector of the future.

The Terminator hunts them down time after time, including the famous police station scene, where Arnie says, "I'll be back," and returns moments later, crashing through the wall in a car. He then takes on a whole squad of cops, but don't worry, Sarah and Reese escape slightly unscathed.

There are countless classic scenes in "The Terminator." You will see them spoofed your entire life. From the image of the Terminator, to the lines they speak, to the scenes they act out. Everything is spoofed. And the film is worthy of its fame.

On the special edition "T2" DVD (the second one), there is an on-set documentary for the making of the "Terminator 2" 3-D ride at Universal Studios. As the camera moves around, it shows Cameron detailing what he wants in this scene. Some guy suggests something else, and Cameron gets a tone. "No, no, that won't work. You do it like this - we come off here, he walks around..." etc. The point is, he's a perfectionist, and a demanding director. Some directors are a bit too easy, and don't really care where their films are going. But James Cameron seems to have a clear vision of what he wants, and he goes around making sure it gets done exactly the way he wants it to be done. And it shows in his work. It's hard to find any mistakes in a James Cameron film. And it's even harder to find plot holes.

Die you fucking human!

Are you talking to me?

Some people say "Terminator 2 - Judgment Day" is better than the original. It's hard to choose, because the two films are very different. I view "The Terminator" as more of a deep, intellectually-consuming, dark thriller. I view "Judgment Day" as an action film, with a more or less recycled plot. (The plot is still good, but it's still the same, too.) It's hard to choose a favorite because they are so different. On "T2" the budget is ten times larger, probably even more than that. But if you want a horror/thriller, "The Terminator" is better for you. If you want special-effects and a really fun time, see "T2." They're both excellent films.

Two big Macs please.

I'm a nude terminator.

Sarah Connor wastes no time when it comes to saving humanity.

"The Terminator" is a great movie. It is one of my favorites; it is terrifying, horrifying, and 100 % entertaining. And unlike a lot of other cheap actioners out there, "The Terminator" has some thought put into its plot, and that is what separates it from the rest of its kind. 

Here's the movie trailer:

Fly Me

Sexy stewardesses ready to fuck & kick some ass.

Once again director Cirio H. Santiago, delivers another great Philippino exploitation film under the supervision of master Roger Corman. "Fly Me" a martial arts sexploitation hijack stewardess adventure from 1973.

“This airline serves three wild dishes. Take your choice: ‘I’m Toby, fly me as far as you want.’ ‘I’m Sherry, buy a ticket and I come free!’ ‘I’m Andrea, my foreign lay-overs are very stimulating.’”

Plot: Feeling anxious over the imminent cancellation of ABC’s Pan Am? Fret not! Roger Corman’s New World Pictures has all the sexy stewardesses and globe-hopping adventures any aviaphile could demand. “But is it episodic?” you may ask. “Is it preposterous?” “Is there a white slavery angle?” Yes, yes, and… it’s a Roger Corman production from 1973, do you really have to ask?

Much like Pan Am, Fly Me divides the action among its three air-hostesses.

First up: Sherry (played by Lyllah Torena), whom we first meet at the airport, being dropped off by one man, and then sneaking off to the airplane lavatory with another man for a quickie (once they reach “cruising altitude”). When the plane lands in Hong Kong, we learn that Sherry has been spending her non-fornicatin’ time smuggling dope. But she’s shorted one of her suppliers, so they abduct, strip, and bind her, leaving her to try to wriggle her way free while wearing only panties. When Sherry fails, her captor informs her that the big boss has a “side business.” “Call it a ‘rental service,’” he sneers. “Girls,” he adds in a whisper, in case Sherry has missed the point. (“You… fucker!” she hisses in reply.)

Those were the days.

Kung fu Blonde!

C'mon let me give ya a cum swallowing blowjob while you drive.

Meanwhile, Andrea (Lenore Kasdorf) goes looking for one of her own man-friends in Hong Kong, only to find that he’s abandoned his apartment under mysterious circumstances, which bums Andrea out so much that she’s unable to enjoy her dimly lit yacht-party.

So Andrea enlists a local importer/exporter for help in investigating her pal’s disappearance, but the more she probes, the more she draws heat from swarms of martial artists, who kick at her and rip her clothes and shoot blow-darts at her. Some of her stalkers are Asian; some are white and female; some are blind. All move fairly slowly, giving Andrea plenty of time to counter their moves with her own.

Willing to deliver the best flying sex experience.

As for novice stew Toby (Pat Anderson), she’s looking forward to the hedonism of her first trip abroad until she learns that her mother (Naomi Stevens) has decided to serve as her chaperone, to make sure that she doesn’t get into trouble. (“I put a virgin on the plane in Los Angeles. I’ll put a virgin on the plane in Hong Kong,” she promises.) Mama complains about everything, from the food she gets in Asia—even “the finest chop suey in Hong Kong” can’t satisfy her—to the handsome doctor (Richard Young) who’s courting Toby from port to port. The young couple has to sneak off to a bathhouse in Tokyo to try and find some privacy. There, the doc reassures a shy, naked Toby that he’s “not only a doctor… I’m a bone specialist.” Alas, mama crashes the party before he can show Toby exactly what that means.

The three storylines come together improbably when Toby’s mother demands to be let aboard an aerial “tourist excursion” that turns out to be a front for the brothel where Sherry’s been imprisoned. Andrea’s gumshoeing too leads her to the same place, where a brawl ensues and the ladies fight back to a life where they can sleep with lots of men on their own time, not under orders from a drug kingpin.

so, what do you think?

Can't seem to reach your cock sugar.

How am I s'possed to swallow your load with this tape in my mouth?!

Overall,  Fly Me is a must watch from prolific Filipino exploitation feature director Cirio H. Santiago, working from a blithely trashy script by Miller Drake, crams the wildly colorful and eventful 74 minute running time with abundant delicious female nudity (the first topless scenes occurs barely a minute into the movie!), seedy subplots, a funky-groovin' prog-rock score, amusingly dumb lowbrow humor, several uproariously inept chopsocky fight scenes (the blind assassin with the cane that fires deadly poison darts is a total riot!), and a rousing all-out action-loaded conclusion. Moreover, Santiago maintains a nonstop zippy pace and a light, bouncy tone from start to finish. The three female leads are all quite attractive and appealing, with Anderson the stand-out of the bunch. Popping up in nifty minor roles are Vic Diaz as crooked cop Enriquez and Dick Miller as a friendly cab driver. Of course, this flick is completely silly and ridiculous, but that's exactly why it ultimately sizes up as an absolute sleazy hoot.

Here's the less than a minute movie trailer:

and a couple of clips from the recently restored and remastered Shout Factory DVD edition of "Lethal Ladies Volume 2", featuring of course Fly Me, Cover Girl Models & The Arena:

Cover Girl Models

Thrillers have never looked better.

Knowing that the Philippines  was one of the favorite countries in which directors produced several hundreds of B movies during the heyday of exploitation, it is nothing to be surprised about, in fact there are even websites dedicated only to cover films made in the Philippines. However, here at SPAM-Alternative we try to bring you the best out of the worst or the worst out of the worst if that makes any sense at all. Today we're travelling to the small island of the Philippines to gather around 1975's Cover Girl Models, which is yet another clichéd exploitation film you should definitely watch. 

The cult director Cirio H. Santiago once again finds himself teaming up with Pat Anderson who plays a model named Barbara. She, along with two model friends – Claire (Lindsay Bloome) and Mandy (Tara Strohmeier) – hop a flight to that Hong Kong, the most favored destination in any globetrotting seventies exploitation movie. Once they get there, for reasons never fully explained in any sort of logical narrative sense, the trio wind up getting involved in an international spy ring. See, a roll of microfilm somehow fell into one of the girls’ dresses and now the nefarious bad guys want to get it back no matter the cost. Also, the girls do lots of fashion shows and get naked a few times, all of which leads up to a remarkably awful shoot out where cult actor Vic Diaz mows some poor slob down with a grease gun.

Nice wet seethrough shirt.

Three girls, one cup.

Nice vintage outfit.

So, the clichéd story has it that the three beautiful American models will deliver us with plenty of action. Director Cirio H. Santiago, working from a blithely inane script by Howard R. Cohen, relates the amiably silly story at a snappy pace, maintains a breezy'n'easy good-natured tone throughout, delivers a copious amount of tasty female nudity, and stages the occasional martial arts fight with an endearing ineptitude that's good for a few unintentional laughs. This movie is further energized by the spirited acting by a neat cast of familiar 70's exploitation cinema regulars: Bloom, Strohmeier, and Anderson are all comely, sexy, and charming as the titular trio, John Kramer contributes a solid performance as slick'n'smarmy photographer Mark, and the ubiquitous Vic Diaz excels in one of his trademark oily villain roles as the nefarious Kulik, plus there are amusing bits by Mary Woronov as uptight executive Diane and Rhonda Leigh Hopkins as the snippy and stuck-up Pamela. Felipe Sacdalan's sunny cinematography gives the picture an attractive bright look. D'Amarillo's bouncy'n'groovy score hits the right-on happening spot. Best of all, the tight 73 minute running time ensures that this flick never gets dull or overstays its welcome. A really enjoyable diversion for those that understand these kind of movies. I wouldn't be so sure if a regular movie fan would stand it though.

Maybe here I can find someone to fuck my ass.

I've swallowed cum from five men at once, don't tell me what to do.

I can't seem to find my dildo.

Definitely, Cover Girl Models doesn’t always make a lot of sense and it rarely puts the three leading ladies directly in the action (as opposed to Fly Me or the mighty T.N.T. Jackson which Santiago made the same year and with some of the same people) but it clocks in at under seventy-five minutes so you can’t really fault its pacing. It plays just as well as a collection of weird seventies travelogue footage than as anything else and the camera seems to spend as much time showing off the exotic locations than following the girls around as they try to figure out just why the bad guys are after them, but you take what you can out of movies like this one.

fuck my pussy, fuck it now!

I want your cum all over my face.

Hi, wanna fuck?

A little nudity, a few bloody shot outs with some nice squib effects, a gratuitous Vic Diaz cameo, some travelogue bits, a little more nudity… yeah you could do worse than this if you’re looking for some fun, disposable entertainment. My only complaint is that they didn't film enough nude/sex scenes, you know,  having actresses that were regulars in the exploitation scene, you're definitely expecting to see some skin,  I mean the first reason why we stand the running time of a bad film it is precisely the amount of nudity & sex we're being offered by movie posters & trailers.

Here a little clip from the movie to get you tempted: